Step One: Use a consistent IP address and unsecured public wifi so every darn pervert and hacker has access to your stuff. It’s a bit like creating a six lane traffic jam for spies. The NSA will be so distracted trying to weave their way through all the weirdos spying on YOU, you’ll be left in relative anonymity.
Step Two: Drunk blogging. Wait for a full moon, get yourself a box of cheap wine, and let the skeletons in your closet come out to play…Try to use plenty of melodrama, much like an episode of Dark Shadows. The goal here is to keep them hanging on the edge of their seat, wondering what the heck that crazy girl is going to reveal next…
Step Three: To prevent identity theft resulting from the swiss cheese vulnerabilities our security people have left on the intertoobz, destroy your own identity first. Seriously foul it up! Credit card debt, transposed SS numbers, paternity suits, whatever floats your boat. Make it so bad that a hacker actually has to pay YOU to take it back. Go ahead, steal my identity, I dare you…
Step Four: Go on facebook to that little place where it says, “what’s on your mind today?” Really let them have it. None of this “Fine” stuff. FB wants to know how you feel, really let them know exactly how you feel. Then be sure to click like on every lawyer and public defender’s website in all 50 states. How do I feel? I feel like I’m going to need a #%& public defender in about five minutes, that’s how I feel!
Step Five: Visit the website of some cute celebrity and completely humiliate yourself. Declare your undying love, confess your deepest fantasies, practice your erotica writing skills. They’ll either kick you out or take you up on your offers. It’s win/win.
Step Six: Drunken haiku. Need I say more? You know darn well that’s code for something…
Step Seven: Be moody and unpredictable. You know, act like a girl…Make your comments irrational and in opposition to each other. Be a kind gentle spirit on one website and within seconds… a raging inferno of bitchiness on the next. Keep them guessing.
Step Eight: Create multiple online identities and email address. Translate the US Constitution into Pig Latin and spam yourself with it daily. Chances are good they’ll eventually break your code, but on the bright side, they might actually read the thing.
Do it people, do it for your country. Think of the poor NSA people forced to play Candy Crush with bored housewives all day. Think of the poor guy who has to monitor the phone sex lines…..
****Repost from Aug 2014
janeybgood said:
Laughing out loud here (cannot bring myself to write ‘LOL’). Still laughing. Step 3 killed me.
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johnspenn said:
Funny! Re: identity theft- I always say I WISH someone would steal my identity, it would get me off the hook for all the crap I’ve gotten myself into!
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boteotu said:
Reblogged this on Blogger at the Edge of the Universe. and commented:
XD
Actually, I think that would work..
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wiseblooding said:
Love it! Clean living has gotten me nowhere. Now it’s time to live on the ledge.
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Kheleya Fahrmann said:
Seriously: the NSA couldn’t care less if you rob delicatessen stores every night as long as you don’t step on the government’s toes, and then your robbery habit becomes just a pretext they use to neutralize whatever threat they think you are to the government. Someone out there is spying on every one of us, and there’s really no such thing as privacy. The saving grace is that, almost always, the spies couldn’t care less about morals because they themselves don’t have any. Just avoid p***ing off the people in power and let them waste their time snooping on you all they want.
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authorleighmichaels said:
BAHAHA!! Love this!
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Mike said:
Reblogged this on makeaneffort and commented:
Very Funny! I had step three down years ago…. and I regularly do step two and seven simultaneously.
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Ada said:
Hilarious! 😀
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Els and El said:
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Human Interest said:
Reblogged this on Human Interest.
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KtKat said:
Reblogged this on The House of Hale and commented:
The same could be applied to everyone hacking and keeping cyber tabs on you. A few of these methods I’ve employed myself! 😉 A good giggle, worth the read and share.
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garym6059 said:
Hilarious! Drunken Haiku classic.
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Kentucky Angel said:
Gee, I already have about 15 email addys, isn’t that enuff? And my fingers periodically are positioned on the wrpmg leus. so it looks like vokrm when I’m just typing away. I wrote 3 pages of my brother’s thesis with my fingers on the wrong keys, and he was pressed for time. I watched him stick it in the folder and hand it in without proofing it. I’m the QUEEN of cole, or coke, or something to that effict. And ya know the phone calls you get from sales people who start out with “How are you today?” I spent about 20 inutes once with stories about my dog getting tun over by a vcah nd havimg a headache, and he never hung up, just told me how sorry he was and starte his [otch.
How’s this for code?
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insanitybytes22 said:
Ha! Well done. They’ll never break that code. Heck, half the time I even speak plain English no one understands me. 😉
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Kentucky Angel said:
I have that same problem. My mom insisted we all speak perfect English, rather than the “kuntry” type our friends spoke, so not many people appreciated that. Except our teachers, of course. What a pain all my life. I want to correct everyone I have to listen to when they mis-use I and me. It makes me crazy.
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Shelby said:
Yes, and what about then and than? That’s serious crazy-making right their. (hee-hee)
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Salvageable said:
Very, very funny. I will have to try those suggestions that I am not already doing. Here’s another–take all the online-quizzes that ask which Disney Princess you are or which celebrity you should date. Answer some questions honestly and other with humor. Watch your pop-up ads change after you do this, and know that NSA is wondering about you too. J.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Ha! Now that’s really true, Salvageable. You can actually social engineer your own self. What a weird world we’re living in.
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PARTNERING WITH EAGLES said:
Good satire; On a serious note, for all parents: https://whatyouthoughtiwentaway.wordpress.com/2016/05/16/its-not-just-happening-here-folks/
“…former Oregon House Majority Leader and current stop_common_core_rotten_to_the_core_button-r863ac01ab1a04608b2bb256b61bc37ff_x7kn6_1024candidate for Secretary of State using the “Service Learning Program” (part of Common Core there) to force students to canvas for progressive political candidates for school credit!”
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