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John Zande, of Superstitious Naked Ape fame, and also the subject of my biological goo post, has written a book and invited us to read it. A book called, “The Owner of All Infernal Names: An Introductory Treatise on the Existence, Nature & Government of our Omnimalevolent Creator.”

First off Zande, I wish you well. Writing can be difficult and it is always nice to see someone taking up the challenge. I hope it benefits you. That said, I must apologize because I cannot possibly read your book. I also cannot review your book because I make a point to never review anything I haven’t read. It’s not you, Zande, it is totally me.

I am actually in a relationship with Christ, one that goes far beyond the intellectual and has become tightly entwined with the heart and spirit too. In fact, often when I have been trying to reason faith out, He has slipped in right under the radar, totally defied my rather pathetic attempts at intellectualism, and entered my heart. What can I say, it is what it is. What it is, is most wonderful and bedazzling treasure hunt, not unlike falling in love over and over again….

I shall attempt pull my head out of the clouds for a moment however and give you a review of the one part of your book I actually have read, the title. “All Infernal Names: An Introductory Treatise on the Existence, Nature & Government of our Omnimalevolent Creator.”

Oh, Zande! How can you possibly write a book about the very nature and government of God, a God you do not even believe in?? Does that not defy all logic and reason?  A treatise on the nature of God from one who does not even know Him, refuses to even consider Him? How in the world does that work?? Since you do not know Him, you are simply critiquing a figment of your own imagination, Zande.

See, I know you do not know Him because you call Him omnimalevolent. It means “to be absolutely evil and surpass all forms of benevolence,” doesn’t it? That is enough to make me want to cry. The Creator of the universe evil and lacking benevolence?? Have you never seen a sunset Zande, I mean really seen one? Kittens? Puppy dogs? Baby toes?? Fuzzy pajamas on a cold winter night, chocolate, the snow cresting on a mountain under the moonlight?

Have you ever been underwater struggling to find your way up, broken the surface, and gulped in all that cool and delicious air like an oxygen starved beast that did not even know what they were missing?? That is what God is like, Zande. He is like a gulp of fresh air when you are drowning or a cool drink of water after being lost in the desert. He is beyond anything you can even imagine. There is a love there that is so intense, so powerful, it defies our own brain’s capacity to even conceive of such a thing.

That is why we seldom get to catch a glimpse of Him in this world, Zande. He’d blow your hard drive. There are simply not enough little neuronal connections to try to relate the experience to. Those who have caught a glimpse of His shadow have simply fallen on their face.

There is a lot of suffering and misery in the world, Zande, mostly of our own making. We are simply without excuse. We are living on a planet with enough for everyone and yet we allow people to starve, we wage wars, we deny the very existence of God and we dismiss love as nothing more than a shot of oxytocin. It’s enough to make you despair for all of humankind. How can we possibly be so bloody stupid? Maybe instead of demanding to know why God allows such suffering, we should be asking ourselves why we do.

Did we ever really leave paradise, Zande, or are we all still here, trapped in a prison of  our own making?

One more thing Zande, something I find fascinating. With a spooky kind of synchronicity, I’ve noticed that all of those who seem to believe in this alleged omnimalovolent God (Christians included) are often big fans of the animal rescues, donating all proceeds there. I didn’t understand why at first and then it clicked. When we perceive our own Creator as malevolent and unmerciful, we really just perceive our own selves and others that way. We’re so busy creating Him in our own image, we cannot even see it. subconsciously we begin to empathize far more with the animals then we do with our own kind.

Dog spelled backwards is God, Zande. That is no accident. There are no coincidences. Dogs are like God’s last-ditch effort to help us believe in love. Anyone who can look into those puppy dog eyes and tell me that the Creator of the universe lacks benevolence towards us, is simply deceiving himself.

“In His image,” Zande, not in our own. Those are profound words with far-reaching implications. To  know Him and to love Him, is to know and love our own selves, flaws and all.