Submission does not cause abuse anymore than failing to submit causes abuse. Boy is that a tough sell in today’s culture with all these distorted and perverted messages and movies like 50 shades.
The thing about abuse and violence is that is has nothing what so ever to do with the one being abused. This is true for both men and women. There’s a pervasive myth in this culture that suggests, “well, if she just stood up for herself” or “he’s bigger than her, so it’s his fault if he lets her throw furniture at him.”
Victims of intimate violence are “guilty” of one thing and one thing only. Having more empathy for someone else then they do for themselves.
Abusers abuse for one reason only, because “they believe it is acceptable and they think they can get away with it.” Often they are replaying childhood scripts. Often they are so wounded they have no empathy for others. Sometimes they are narcissists.
Victims have no control over somebody else’s pathology. You can’t fix them, you dance with the devil, he dances with you. Don’t even fool yourself into believing you can change them, they’ll change you first.
There is psychology at play here, there are deeper issues that victims of violence do need to eventually address if they are going to heal properly. That’s true for both men and women, but you don’t address those issues to try to make somebody else change, you address those issues because you deserve to be healed, to learn your worth and value, to understand the nature of yourself. Empathy, love, forgiveness can be beautiful things, but they can also have a darker side, like when you use them to erase your own self.
Every time we say submission causes violence or non submission causes violence, we take the responsibility off the abuser and dump it on victims, as if they can somehow control the situation. We don’t like to confront our own vulnerabilities, but the truth of the matter is that sometimes we are just collateral damage in somebody elses script.
Can I also say that it’s terribly sad that every time I try talk about the joys of marriage, people see only violence, abuse, exploitation, divorce-rape, sexual assault, gender competition, depression, suicide, sexism, oppression, as if nothing beautiful can ever come from relationships between men and women! We live in a culture that stresses the social awareness, Domestic Violence Prevention Month, Sexual Assault Awareness week, crime, mental health, poverty, racism, feminism, the patriarchy…
Sheesh, no wonder half this country is on anti depressants. Stop being so aware people, you’ll miss all the beauty in the world.
Glazed said:
I like what you say here. And I don’t buy it when some people say they can’t control their tempers. Put them in a confrontation with someone bigger and stronger and ready to fight back, and it’s amazing how well they can suddenly control their tempers.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Great comment. Absolutely, people who allegedly can’t control themselves suddenly develop a surprising amount of control when they themselves are at risk.
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Eric said:
Ha—it’s funny watching the same dynamic play out with arrogant narcissists. Whenever they have power over others, they’re bullying and condescending, but as soon they fear appears they become utterly abject and slavish.
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Ellen said:
I really appreciate your insight about the “awareness” days, months, etc. They are pretty much always focused on the negative. If we had an “in celebration of marriage” week, people would be throwing fits because not every marriage is worthy of celebration. We are a culture much more interested in promoting what we are against rather than what we are for.
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flowerofthewoods said:
Honestly, my experiences have me of the opinion that such generalizations about abusers and victims tend to do more harm than good . . .
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Karen B. said:
Great word!
I certainly yield and submit to that which I believe and trust to be right, true and good for myself and others, be it a stop light, my daily greens, and yes, God and His Word. I’ve spent enough years trusting solely in myself, my instincts and impulses quite content to be left all alone without God. What a mess! Trust does take time to develop. Agree with you that the word ‘submission’ seems to be deemed as repulsive and dangerous as the horrors of abuse it has been tagged with.
In 1Corin.13- what love is and what love is not- I always found it interesting that ‘patience’ tops the list. Seems that without patience there is little staying power, especially in one’s ability to love. Love is patient, love is kind…
Tim Keller writes: “Does freedom mean people should be free to live as they choose as long as they don’t harm or diminish the freedom of others? Then we would all have to agree on what ‘harm’ is: ‘What I do in private doesn’t harm anyone’.
We have different views of what healthy flourishing human life looks like. Yet what we do in private shapes the kind of person we becomes, how we talk and act, how we relate to other people and since we interact with our community, what we do in private does affect others. According to the Bible, your neighbour comes into your presence with certain claims on you, that you treat him or her in ways that enhance their well-being, that they have an inherent worth, an inviolable dignity because they are made in the image of God. Questions of justice are bound up with competing notions of honor and virtue, pride and recognition.”
“Justice is not only about the right way to distribute things, it is also about the right way to value things.” –Michael Sandel
Each soul valued enough to die for. Fearfully and wonderfully made.
Thanks IB!
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thank you for that great quote and for your lovely words of wisdom.
This really is the clincher, “I certainly yield and submit to that which I believe and trust to be right….” Sometimes we can get so resistant and so cynical, we can’t even let ourselves submit to the good things anymore. When that happens we miss out.
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kimberlyharding said:
Excellent points!
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Tricia said:
Very good words IB on a subject that has always touched my heart put forth in a delicate and intelligent way. I do think some focus has to come from the abused looking at themselves and why they feel so unworthy as to allow the poor treatment to continue. I wrote a post expounding on this during the Ray Rice elevator video fiasco of him clocking his wife. https://freedomthroughempowerment.wordpress.com/2014/09/18/abuse-victims-self-empowerment-changing-narrative/
Sorry to be so self promoting but my essay goes in to much more detail on what I’m trying to say here.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Feel free to promote away anytime. I love to read other people’s perspectives on things 🙂
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Rajiv said:
Brilliant post
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La Sabrosona said:
IB I don’t “know” you well, I’ve only recently started following you and I’m curious about this post’s juxtaposition of abuse vs victims and the beauty of marriage and anti-depressants. Kindly I must say that I haven’t read anything “inspirational” or on the virtues of love, beauty, life etc on this blog. From what I understand you are a “cynic”. I’m confused as to whether or not you are an ardent believer in Christianity and Jesus and the bible’s teachings or are ardently against it…not to be misunderstood for confrontation, this question is purely an observation that has turned into a query.
Since there’s no confrontation on my part, just pure curiosity in this request, I hope you are able to answer in a neutral way, as opposed to being defensive.
Thanks 🙂
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insanitybytes22 said:
“Kindly I must say that I haven’t read anything “inspirational” or on the virtues of love, beauty, life etc on this blog”
https://insanitybytes2.wordpress.com/2014/04/30/christs-love-for-women/
https://insanitybytes2.wordpress.com/2015/01/05/the-woman-with-the-perfume/
https://insanitybytes2.wordpress.com/2014/05/13/knights-in-white-satin/
https://insanitybytes2.wordpress.com/2014/06/04/marriage-is-the-most-beautiful-tango/
https://insanitybytes2.wordpress.com/2014/07/14/praises/
https://insanitybytes2.wordpress.com/2014/12/06/conversion/
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La Sabrosona said:
Thank you. I look forward to reading these posts.
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Eric said:
IB2:
I was at the supermarket recently and looked at some women’s magazines. Practically every story in those journals were about stalking, rape, incest, abortion, sexual abuse, how all men are pigs, &c. In contrast, I saw recently some of the same magazines in an antique store from the 1940s. They were full of stories about how to land the right man, making happy homes, the joys of motherhood…
Today our culture not only despises normal relationships, you notice that you NEVER hear any of this negativity directed at homosexual or other perverted forms of relationships, which always are held up as deeply romantic and loving. Which illustrates more than anything else the kinds of perverts who dominate our culture.
And of course, the Churchian Gamers buy into the negativity and promote THAT as the ideal.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Oh, Amen Eric! That is exactly what I am speaking of. This is pure propaganda. It’s tough to focus on the positive when your TV, magazines, news…… and churchian gamers, are promoting nothing but the darker side of life. I know these things are not true, that people’s perceptions are being distorted and manipulated, but for many, that’s all they’ve ever known!
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silenceofmind said:
I can’t tell you how many times submitting has kept me from being trampled on the way to the alter at church.
I serve as what the Catholic Church calls, “lector.”
Lectors read particular sections from the Bible during the part of the Mass called the, “Liturgy of the Word.”
People who want to be lectors have to audition, be approved and then present themselves for official blessing (commissioning) by the pastor, before the congregation at a designated Sunday Mass.
Anyways…
…Most lectors love what they do.
I can attest to a very special joy that comes from reading the Bible to other brothers and sisters during the Mass celebration.
Unfortunately, with joy, charism and specially sanctioned duty comes greed, covetousness and pride.
It’s just the way of man.
Consequently, I always submit and never get in the way of another lector and the church microphone.
That same attitude and philosophy also works well out in the parking lot after Mass is over.
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insanitybytes22 said:
LOL! There is truth there, Silence, I have seen that. You should see my hubby on the rare occasions he makes it to church with me, we boldly flee before the music is even over so as to avoid the stampede in the parking lot.
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thetruthisstrangerthanfiction said:
oh hey… speaking of “50 Shades”, I heard recently that there is actually a ton of evidence within the book to support the idea that it is not only promoting the whole dominance/sexuality perversion stuff, but actually full blown pedophilia as well. (in sort of thinly masked, “coded” sort of way.) I guess that very much ties into all those other veins, but just makes it all that much more disturbing…..
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insanitybytes22 said:
Quite true, truth. I think the Twilight series really played the pedophilia card, but there are hints of it in 50 shades, too. I’ve already heard a few fems and others advocating for it as a lifestyle choice. I hope I’m wrong, but that does seem to be the direction we are heading.
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ColorStorm said:
You said: ‘Submission does not cause abuse.’ (Don’t you love it when people tell you what you said? 😉 😉 It is true as you say in your post ib. but…………….then again:
Submission does cause abuse! There is a character who gets rather perturbed when people submit.
‘Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.’
Yes! Certainly the devil is not happy to be so abused, to be so neglected, and have peoples devotion go to God, and to have him wallow in his arrogance.
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insanitybytes22 said:
A most excellent point, ColorStorm. When you surrender to all that is good and golden, it really does tend to thwart the enemy. Victory has it’s rewards 😉
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girlintheflowerydress said:
Oh dear Lord this scares the crap out if me!!! I wrote a blog about Jesus sacrifice bring for all people, even pedophiles, from the perspective of one who was molested as a child. The reason I wrote was because I was often disturbed by the torturous and murderous threats made towards pedophiles it child molesters by not only secular people but Christian’s too! After I published it a bunch of people commented on the post with studies and long speeches all advocating that there is nothing wrong with the pedophelia. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe it. People always hate hearing the term “slippery slope” when it comes to sexuality, but it’s simply the nature of the flesh, and when we let the nature of the flesh direct us as a nation, then we are doomed. The flesh is never truly satisfied with anything…
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girlintheflowerydress said:
This comment was supposed to be in reply to truth and IB’s conversation… I apologize, my commenting skills seem to be lacking. XD
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insanitybytes22 said:
I hear you! It is a slippery slope indeed and I really pray we don’t go there. We live in interesting times and then God says, “fear not!” Oh boy, that’s not so easy when you start taking a hard look at some of these things.
It is those who are lead astray and exploited that really motivate me to stand against this stuff. That’s a type of thievery, it robs children of their mind, body. and soul. Satan is first and foremost a thief. On the bright side however, God has a way of healing what’s been broken and making something even stronger, even more beautiful that what you started with.
Forgiveness can bring a lot of healing to victims and Christ’s redemption is certainly available to all, even the pedophiles, but that doesn’t mean we suddenly start condoning such things.
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girlintheflowerydress said:
Indeed! I’m living proof of both the stolen innocence and restored purity of being sexually abused and then giving it to God and forgiving the one who abused. God has defiantly taken the brokenness in me and put it back together into something even stronger. 🙂
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insanitybytes22 said:
Amen to that! God is good and His love for us is immeasurable.
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Dawn said:
I loved the way you ended this. People get offended way too easily. Instead of letting little things get to us, we need to get thicker skins.
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