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Submission does not cause abuse anymore than failing to submit causes abuse. Boy is that a tough sell in today’s culture with all these distorted and perverted messages and movies like 50 shades.

The thing about abuse and violence is that is has nothing what so ever to do with the one being abused. This is true for both men and women. There’s a pervasive myth in this culture that suggests, “well, if she just stood up for herself” or “he’s bigger than her, so it’s his fault if he lets her throw furniture at him.”

Victims of intimate violence are “guilty” of one thing and one thing only. Having more empathy for someone else then they do for themselves.

Abusers abuse for one reason only, because “they believe it is acceptable and they think they can get away with it.” Often they are replaying childhood scripts. Often they are so wounded they have no empathy for others. Sometimes they are narcissists.

Victims have no control over somebody else’s pathology. You can’t fix them, you dance with the devil, he dances with you. Don’t even fool yourself into believing you can change them, they’ll change you first.

There is psychology at play here, there are deeper issues that victims of violence do need to eventually address if they are going to heal properly. That’s true for both men and women, but you don’t address those issues to try to make somebody else change, you address those issues because you deserve to be healed, to learn your worth and value, to understand the nature of yourself. Empathy, love, forgiveness can be beautiful things, but they can also have a darker side, like when you use them to erase your own self.

Every time we say submission causes violence or non submission causes violence, we take the responsibility off the abuser and dump it on victims, as if they can somehow control the situation. We don’t like to confront our own vulnerabilities, but the truth of the matter is that sometimes we are just collateral damage in somebody elses script.

Can I also say that it’s terribly sad that every time I try talk about the joys of marriage,  people see only violence, abuse, exploitation, divorce-rape, sexual assault, gender competition, depression, suicide, sexism, oppression, as if nothing beautiful can ever come from relationships between men and women! We live in a culture that stresses the social awareness, Domestic Violence Prevention Month, Sexual Assault Awareness week, crime, mental health, poverty, racism, feminism, the patriarchy…

Sheesh, no wonder half this country is on anti depressants. Stop being so aware people, you’ll miss all the beauty in the world.