I pray this post never gets back to the woman who wrote this article for The Gospel Coalition, because the last thing I want to do is pour salt in the wounds of abuse. On the other hand, salt does cleanse, sanitize, and heal…..
Here is the article, “Things I Wish You Understood: An Open Letter to Ministers From a Family Violence Survivor”
I’m walking on eggshells here, because once again I don’t want to attack her or invalidate her pain. As a therapeutic letter, I bet this was really healing, too. She found her voice and that’s always a good thing. There are probably even some pastors who do need to hear her words, who are less than sensitive, bombastic and thoughtless even. All two or three of them…..probably all red pills, but I digress….
As for over-all advice for pastors in general however, this is just not working for me. In fact, it’s so dramatic, I imagine some young pastor-guy eager to please, eager to serve, now absolutely terrified to speak at all, least he trigger someone’s issues. While I empathize deeply, our gal is basically now afraid of……The Word.
In order to make her feel safe, which you can never really do fully, you’re going to have to avoid any discussion of marriage, men, women, authority, any references to Ephesians, Colossians, or Peter. Scratch divorce, family, or love, too, and Genesis is obviously out. Even positive examples of such things are going to trigger, to open up new wounds, to cause regret or sadness.
While you’re at it, if you could just avoid any mention of potential sin on the part of women at all, that would be quite lovely, too…..Sorry, just thought I’d sneak that one in for myself….
She admits to having PTSD symptoms, she speaks of being hypervigilant, she says, “I am filled with dread, particularly if I don’t know you well enough to anticipate what you’re going to say. My heart starts to race, my breathing gets shallower, and I’m sitting on the edge of my seat. I go into “fight or flight” mode.”
Poor girl, she so needs healing, and mentors and discipleship. He is called the Great Physician for a reason, that reason being we are NOT defined by our issues, we are not designed to remain broken forever, we are not called to try to change the whole world so that what ails us can be perpetually accommodated and……embraced as the entire state of our being.
This may sound harsh, but one of the best things a brave man ever said to me was, Suck it up buttercup. You aren’t a victim. I assure you at the time I was quite the bug on more than a few people’s windshields, so I get it. This poor man was an even worse piece of collateral damage than I was, and so his words resonated, they spoke truth to me.
We must not surrender our very identity to what has happened to us. The personal is not political. Our suffering, our grief, our wounding, our sin, is not necessarily an indication of a flawed church or bad teachings. There really are flawed churches and bad teachings, but even being subjected to spiritual abuse and bad teaching requires you to eventually take some personal responsibility, ask yourself why you stayed, why you allowed it to continue to do harm to you. And to others.
When something triggers you in the bible, in The Word being spoken, in something a Pastor says, take it to God right away. Pray, ask Him about it. Often where it hurts, is the precise spot the Lord wants to heal, because He loves us.
I know everyone heals at a different pace, that grief can last a long time, but some people are busy nurturing offense and wounds longer than other people have even been alive, and their past, their story, is now their entire state of being, their very identity. It should not be.
She says of Pastors, “You have the power to trigger powerful feelings of condemnation and shame in me.” This should not be, either. “In Christ there is no condemnation” and no one, absolutely no one, is more powerful than Him. No one can trigger anything in you without your permission, and the Lord’s permission, too. Anytime you are feeling condemned and shamed, take it to the Lord immediately, because He heals. If it isn’t yours, He will wash you clean….or point you to what you need to take a look at and then wash you clean. Either way, you will be clean.
It saddens me that The Gospel Coalition, that this woman, will likely be valued, praised, for what amounts to being a victim, to remaining in a state of brokeness, to having placed her own injustice and the harm done to her, above the healing power of the Lord and His Word. Already I have seen so much praise heaped upon this letter, very few being able to hear what is actually being said.
Our own empowerment as women is not in how much we have been wronged and harmed, or how much we have suffered, but in how much He has made us whole. Part of that process of being “made whole” comes from pastors who stand in the truth of the Word, fearlessly.
pavanneh said:
As a previous “victim” and someone who sometimes falls back into the trap of “victimhood” because it is a temporary balm, An excuse to withdraw and hide while at the same time gaining sympathy and attention (sometimes) from those around us. When we are afraid to move forward and to have to rely on OURSELVES and OUR OWN power for self-determination it becomes an escape route. I have been there, I still fight it. The best words someone ever said to me was “You live your life full of excuses.” And as much as that hurt and I tried to justify it, she was right. I did. What I said in response is true as well, “Excuses are when you are not trying to change and you want to leave things as they are. I am trying to change and I am working on the things to make me a better person.” BUT, she was right. I had allowed myself to fill my life with excuses for remaining out of control and a victim. Isn’t it easier that way? Isn’t it easier when you are so tired that your bones hurt and feeling another emotion is just going to be too much?
As far as Church and the Pastors I have talked to; most really don’t know how to handle members with histories of physical and sexual abuse. They fail to empathize many times and there have been too many times of dismissive behavior or outright shaming because it is easier to blame the victim then deal with the questions like “Why should I have faith?” “Does God hate me?” “Why did he let this happen, how bad is a 2-year-old to have something like this happen?” Or go far into the other spectrum and give too much support and not enough push for the person to realize they have to give up the anger and fear in order to move ahead. As much as you want to sympathize and help it can be detrimental too by not pushing them forward.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Amen! Well said. Nice to meet another who understands.
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Brandon Adams said:
Healing takes time. In the meanwhile, I don’t think she said anything terribly un-Biblical. Her sixth point resonated, and her eighth was gracious.
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Sarah said:
I really agree with you! I think she was just suggesting that pastors should be careful with their words. I also grew up in a situation like the woman mentioned and I feel so much more peaceful when pastors acknowledge that fairytale Christian marriages don’t always exist and sometimes women (or men) are not to blame. It’s just always good to cover all the bases and cater to different types of people and their experiences. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask of a pastor, because that is what Jesus did when He came to earth; His words applied to everyone. I think the article the woman wrote was awesome, but I also appreciated reading this post about it to see another point of view.
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Lisa V said:
A Pastor is suppose to teach the Bible. And sometimes it hurts and stirs things in us that are uncomfortable. God never promised us to have an easy life, and though I don’t have any explanation for what happened to the woman in the letter (my heart goes out to her), I don’t think it’s the Pastor’s job to tailor his sermon to make every single parishioner comfortable with what he’s teaching. That’s our job to take it to God. I pray she will find healing, and not give up on Christ. Because there is healing in His love. Just a side note, I think it’s kind of presumptuous of her to assume that a Pastor has never had first hand experience with what she’s gone through. Maybe the pastor is a pastor because of the experience he/she has been delivered from. I hope she finds her peace.
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silenceofmind said:
I have PTSD and it is a genuine disability.
And the topic of this yet another great post hits the nail on the head.
It has been up to me and has brought me no end of satisfaction, to find a way to profound change when my bizarre behavior becomes intolerable to “normal” people.
One time I got into it with a bunch of intolerant lefties in a college astronomy class over the global warming issue. It’s one thing to be right and tactfully present your case to a bunch of hostiles.
It’s another thing all together to cut everyone’s heart out on the way to being right.
My therapy for that moment was to stand up in front of the class and an apologize “for being a total ass.”
And you are absolutely right about the healing power of the grace of God.
But it is so difficult because God will not touch my freewill.
I burn myself to cinders until I search and finally find a way to modify my own behavior.
In the end, it is up to me to change.
The world will not change to accommodate me and in fact, because of the way I manifest my disability, the world will work very hard to crush me like a bug.
It’s one of those situations where I either do or die.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Powerful words, Silence. This probably won’t help at all,but PTSD is a hard gift, but a gift just the same, because God chooses those who suffer with deliberation and purpose. I often think of the Apostle Paul and his road to Damascus moment. God invested in Him so heavily because He had great worth and value to the Kingdom. Ask Job,” a more righteous man you cannot find.” God often puts those he loves through the mill,into the wine press.
I hear you about freewill. I often say God is such gentleman, because He won’t interfere in mine either. I too can be a total donkey’s behind and have had to rather therapeutically apologize.
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Julie (aka Cookie) said:
Healing, spiritual healing, deep spiritual healing is truly what is needed…but I’m just throwing in 2 cents here…which may or may not be appreciated….
I think I’ve shared this before but being adopted, that’s a whole ‘nuther back hole that many want to send up the flag pole of victimization.
I know, cause I’ve been there and done that to some degree…
and then there was that deep spiritual healing, but I digress….
anywhoo–I saw a bumper sticker that is in the same vein….
“So you were adopted…it happened…it’s now time to get over it…..”
In a more serious vein, I think most folks currently breathing could attest to being some sort of victim. And I say that not to lessen any traumas or abuses or the horrors associated with whatever created the victimization…but one thing I’ve always held on to was the notion that I could be either reactive and a victim and live will what all that entails, or either I could be proactive and move forward—despite the trauma always wanting to pull me back.
It takes work and effort to move past our wounds, no matter how deep.
Spiritual healing—the true laying on of hands, anointing with holy oil and being prayed over by those who know what they’re doing and for Whom it is they’re working for…that is so key… and then add in the hard work—
but it’s that…. or else sitting stagnant and miserable.
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jackfussellacrosstheland said:
Wow, these words . . . We must not surrender our very identity to what has happened to us
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beholdinghimministries said:
I really connect to “we must not surrender our very identity to what has happened to us”… I also know that domestic violence is a horrible circumstance to find yourself in…I have never lived through it but have a love one who did for probably 17 years. When we found out, I asked how did you ever allow…her response was that by the time I figured it out, I was sick myself. It is easy to look in from the sideline but this stuff is real and since it is not only physical but mental the trauma and scars and corresponding thinking and behaviors really do take a work of God over time. Victims are usually beaten down so mentally and emotionally, it is like taking baby steps. I relate to this lady’s story because I frankly believe that domestic violence is one of the big secrets of the church…women (sometimes men) going thru this, threatened to lose their lives if they ever tell a soul, if not their life, the children or parents…the signs are every where and no one in church will speak up…sometimes these men hold positions in the church and leadership should make it known that it is unacceptable and remove from positions of authority. I have read so much on this subject and the cycles of abuse and for women who are one man, women who have been taught that the only reason for divorce and leaving a man is infidelity on his part…there is an iron door that is hard to make it through unless some spiritual authority teaches and releases. When all a church teaches is that a woman is to submit to her husband without the balance of Scripture on what true love for a woman is…yes, a woman would be on edge about the hearing the unbalanced teachings that held her in bondage for so long and allowed her to beaten down emotionally, physically, mentally and provoked fear. Domestic violence knows no age, socioeconomic, cultural, etc. difference. The woman on the other side of town, living in the million dollar home with 3 degrees is just as likely to be abused as the woman living in public housing. The perpetrator often tells the woman that no one is going to help her because it is her fault, no one cares. This woman would be well served to be surrounded by strong women of faith who will walk with her thru this season of life and in the study of God’s Word so the needed washing would occur… and she will need to soak in that bathtub a long, long time. Pastors, teachers, leaders need to speak truth in love and with compassion that brings hope, healing and strength…otherwise our very identity will be what has happened to us rather than in Christ. The church is the place that every person no matter where the struggle in life may be rooted can find truth and the hope and healing that is needed. Sorry that this is so long but so very personal to me and an issue that I care about.
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jesusfollowingishard said:
All a pastor or teacher has to do is make a rabbit trail about what those bible passages don’t mean. What teachers are so ignorant and unskilled they can’t say hey when I said marriage is for a lifetime lets be clear if your spouse is abusive….
That’s all.
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authorstephanieparkermckean said:
You are real, wise & right! God bless you. “We are NOT defined by our issues, we are not designed to remain broken forever.” “Some people are busy nurturing offense and wounds longer than other people have even been alive>” Suck it up, indeed, Buttercup. I’m a childhood sex abuse and abortion survivor…but NOT a victim. May God bless and heal her and bring her into the place of peace, joy, and fellowship He designed for her – and all of us.
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ColorStorm said:
Please listen to my voice with your most discerning of ears msb:
I am starting to really dislike that word ‘trigger,’ with no slur on Tonto or Kimosobi.
Still, nice post. Salt is well, as you say, necessary. 😉
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insanitybytes22 said:
I know,right? It’s become an over used word, especially on the internet, one used more often to shut down conversation than to embiggen it. Maybe we’re just calling our horse, Colorstorm. Looking for the Lone Ranger? This thing is distressing,send me a masked man.:)
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ColorStorm said:
The lone ranger has a nice ring to it, but we’ll probably offend oat herders and horse whisperers. ;_
Then again, we can always create new words! ColorBytes or insanitystorm! That’ll fix em. haha.
There is good in every sad situation though truth be told. Just have to find it.
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Mel Wild said:
Well said, IB. I think the point we should take away from this is keeping the tension between being sensitive to a person’s present pain, acknowledging that it’s real, but then not letting them stay there. As a pastor myself, that would be just as harmful and irresponsible as walking on the proverbial eggshells. As you said so well, not surrendering our identity to what happened to us is so important. That’s a prison Jesus died to set us free from; we’re not allowing Him to turn what was meant for evil into good (in fact, Joseph is a good example of a healthy way to process abuse and pain).
We cannot help it if we’ve been victimized, but when we stay there we become a volunteer.
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insanitybytes22 said:
“Volunteers versus victims,” love your wording there, Mel.
Just thinking of this piece in terms of the power of our words, how important it is to speak life over ourselves. It may not always look good on the outside, we may not be feeling it quite yet, but there is great power in declaring oneself whole, healed, and the much favored daughter of a King.
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Mel Wild said:
Amen. Much of how we live and respond to circumstances will be according to how we see ourselves. So important.
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SLIMJIM said:
IB,
This needs to be said. I commend you for writing this. It’s easy to take flak for saying what you said but you also wrote it in a way that is compassionate and winsome. We must not surrender our identity in Christ and all that comes with it at the altar of victimhood. That’s the medicine in the long run: Our identity in Christ.
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Tricia said:
Another good post IB. Our whole culture it seems has fallen victim to, well, a victim mentality and while it’s important to empathize with others and tread with care where needed, it does no good to let someone wallow in the misery of past wrongs. It’s not empowering at all as your last paragraph amply states.
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jesusfollowingishard said:
She didn’t seem like having a victim mentality to me, she seemed brave to even show up to church to remain in the faith. Believe me know one wants ptsd symptoms. There is this, it would almost be as if something was wrong with her if she didn’t have anxiety or ptsd, it would be like she wasn’t human. It’s a natural normal thing that protects us from being hurt, one has to retrain oneself to know one is safe. It’s going to make her a wonderful person to minister to others, she only wants people in leadership to not put a bunch of cards on the table that abusers can use. If pastors explain what those misused scriptures don’t mean it will help, bring healing and people will feel safe to ask for help. People will also notice red flags that they are being abused because of some decent sermons.
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jesusfollowingishard said:
It only seemed like she was a strong women who was needing to be heard and that she unfortunately didn’t get the support she should have, like I did. I wrote a similar article. https://christianity9968.wordpress.com/2017/08/03/rethinking-christianity/
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thank you for leaving a link to your post. We share some similar insights.I too had big alarm bells go off over the idea of eternal submission of the son, never ending hierarchies, Jesus as the object of a wraithful God who poured his hatred out on us,a whole host of ideas that seem so theologically flawed to me,and they are like just rolling out the red carpet for domestic violence and spiritual abuse of all kinds.
I’m so glad you’ve managed to hang onto faith and that you have been blessed by CS Lewis. You might enjoy the piece I wrote for Rick. “Nope,that’s not my Aslan,” has got me through some hard times in my life, and since I’ve really enjoyed noticing there are others in the world who have done the same.
https://literarylife.org/2017/06/11/gab/
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"A" dad said:
Hey Meim! sorry I have not been over here in a while. (possibly it’s my own PTSD re: my situation, plus the summer is busy)
Re: the Gospel coalition post, your “suck it up butter cup” comment is probably more appropriate than most would think.
Also, Barb Roberts approved of the TGC post, so that is typically a reason to dislike a post, what with her being a Lundy Bancroft dupe and all. : – (
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insanitybytes22 said:
No apologies necessary, Adad. It’s always nice to hear from you. You and your situation are always in my prayers. I pray for a few awesome men right now, who I know all carry a tough load. Y’all strengthen me without even knowing it. 🙂
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A dad said:
Memi, I posted on the TGC site for this article.
If you can, let me know if you think I was careful enough. 🤔
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insanitybytes22 said:
I appreciate your heart Adad and your kindness when addressing these things. Speaking the truth in love is not so easy. You do it admirably.
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Minnie Musings said:
I’m working on not giving in to a victim mentality. Your article shared a lot of the same ideas I’m trying to tell myself, only you did it more clearly. Thank you.
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