I ran away one day when life overwhelmed me, down by the creek where I often go and I met him there, this scraggly black man who just didn’t belong there. He was something urban, off the streets of a big city, standing there cursing himself, homeless, unrooted, likely entwined with meth.
I would have simply given him a wide berth in the city, stepped over him like a fallen log, but there by the creek in the early morning hours everything became very surreal and I felt him so powerfully, that sense of not belonging, parts of him not fitting in any more than he fit in with the physical surroundings of my little rural sanctuary by the creek.
It hurt so much, it just hit me like a punch in the stomach, the kind that just leaves you retching, and so there I was dry heaving while moving towards him, calling out, “are you okay,” no longer sure if I was speaking to him or to myself. I startled him and he stepped back quickly, on the defense now, whispering softly, “I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay” like a mantra he could wrap around himself.
“I am not, I am not okay at all,” I stated plainly, but I did not say the part about how I was not okay because something within him had just punched me in the stomach.
He turned and ran and I let out this little plaintive wail, “Please don’t leave me,” a child’s cry really, a premonition that echoed back at me months later. Please don’t leave me, as if I needed him more than he needed me.
His name was Mike. They found him hanging in a tree a few weeks ago. No one knows how long he’d been there, likely suicide. He rejected me that day, left me behind by the creek, left me with nothing but my dark gallows humor, reminding me that Mike is now the third man I once needed, I once pleaded with, that simply went and hung himself in a damn tree.
Suicides make me angry, very self absorbed of me I know, but that wail, please don’t leave me, comes from deep within my soul, I need you. I need you so desperately, whoever and whatever you are, I need you to light the path before me, because I am as lost as you are.
Mike had a story to tell, one that was indeed rooted in rejection, in a sense of not belonging, of never quite fitting in. He was a Navy vet, a likely meth addict, a man with a kind and gentle face and big brown eyes. His song, his essence captured a lot of hearts in these parts. I was blessed to have captured his attention a few times, to have caught his eyes and made contact however fleeting, outside and beyond that encounter at the creek. I shot humanity his way, as if some how my eyes were like a weapon that could penetrate his soul, little bullets saying, please, just know that you are loved.
I often mock this town, I call it the 9th circuit of hell, but that does not tell the whole story, that does not acknowledge all of those who do reach out to the least of these, the many, many people that do everything in their power to let some people know they are loved, that they are seen, that we care. There are hands reaching out all over this place and hearts determined to let no one leave this world having been unseen, unknown.
Me, I simply feel, each encounter with someone a triumph over that numbness that can chill your soul like cheap anesthesia. I feel and simply let God collect my tears in a bottle. I have no idea why, perhaps because Jesus Christ once told Peter, “if you love me feed my sheep” and all I have to feed the sheep with is my heart.
newenglandsun said:
Are you okay???
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insanitybytes22 said:
I am always okay. All will be well with my soul, I am in good hands. How about you, are you well?
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newenglandsun said:
I don’t think so I’m afraid.
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insanitybytes22 said:
I’m sorry. Fear can be a real problem. Take heart, we’re all in this together.
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newenglandsun said:
Last week I cut myself. The other day, my mother and grandmother were soaking in every single lie of the msm and I completely lost it.
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insanitybytes22 said:
I wish you wouldn’t cut yourself. There is nothing in this world worth hurting yourself over. And certainly not the media! Turn that stuff off.
You sound so lonely to me. Is there anyone you can be around, talk with? Friends?Church? Sometimes just being around other people helps. We can get too caught up in our own selves. Be well and be kind to yourself, these are tough times we’re living in.
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newenglandsun said:
Fairly lonely person…few online friends, go to Latin class, volunteer at an assisted living place, i go to church but other than that, all on my own.
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insanitybytes22 said:
You go to Latin class? I’m quite impressed! I’m glad you volunteer at an assisted living place. There’s a lot of wisdom lurking in those places and some good humor, too.
None of us are really alone, not ever, but it can sure feel like that sometimes. God is with us always, but we have to get out there in the people world too, reach out to others who may be even more lonely than we are.
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newenglandsun said:
i’m in my third semester right now. condeamus murum!
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insanitybytes22 said:
LOL! I have no idea what “condeamus murum” means. English is my first language and I struggle with that, too. Latin is a good to learn however, it helps you to understand the roots of words,it helps to make learning other languages easier. Congratulations on sticking with it.
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newenglandsun said:
It’s the subjunctive first person plural of condeo, condere, condui, conditus meaning “to build” and murum is the accusative of murus muri meaning “to build”. “Let us build a wall!”
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insanitybytes22 said:
Oh, okay! So it’s the campaign slogan of He Who Shall Not Be Named? 🙂
Walls can be good,walls make for good neighbors,right? I like Proverbs 25:28,it’s one of my favorites, “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.” So walls can be good things, boundaries that help us to rule over our own spirit.
Don’t let politics get you down, it’s just a thing and all will be well, no matter what happens. God is in control. We people are a bit out of control, but God isn’t. All will be well.
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newenglandsun said:
Lord Voldemort–yes. 🙂
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insanitybytes22 said:
LOL! Well, so great is my faith, that not even Lord Voldemort concerns me. 🙂
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newenglandsun said:
He who shall not be named is what the Harry Potter characters call ‘Lord Voldemort’.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Yes, I know. 🙂 Listen, I have to go work now, but I’ll be back in a few hours. Be good to yourself today, will ya? I shall return 🙂
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newenglandsun said:
I’ll be good for Mama Insanity.
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newenglandsun said:
OTOH, his campaign ads are better–
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anitvan said:
Hey…
My husband cuts. So does my daughter. Please believe me when I say that I don’t judge you at all for cutting. I understand the place where that comes from, where feeling physical pain is sweet relief to your under pain. No dear, I have nothing but compassion for you.
But I am concerned for your well-being as well. You could hurt yourself really badly without even meaning to. Are you safe right now sweetie?
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newenglandsun said:
I believe you. One thing I like in our denominations of Christianity is that we both can see a confessor on a regular basis 🙂
I don’t think many Lutherans know that though.
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anitvan said:
Most Lutherans *should* know it (we formally learn about confession and absolution during confirmation) but very few Lutherans avail themselves of it.
I have only made use of it personally on a handful of occasions and I was glad to have it available.
On the other hand, Lutherans practise corporate confession weekly as a part of the Liturgy and I love that practice too
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newenglandsun said:
Yeah. We Anglicans do the same 🙂
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anitvan said:
Hey, how are you doing today? You’ve been on my mind…hope you are doing well ☺
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anitvan said:
Oh IB. You made me cry.
The city I live in is a wealthy one. Everybody is rich, rich, rich and appear to live happy, shiny lives. But there is a dark underbelly here too, one that I’m ashamed to say I didn’t give much thought to until I ended up smack dab in the middle of it.
We don’t have money anymore; we did once, but it is gone and I’m just as poor as everybody around me. The only difference is, I have hope.
I’m very aware that, for some of my neighbours, mine might be the only friendly face they see all day. The only one who *doesn’t* avoid their gaze as we pass; who looks and smiles and affirms their worth.
There is a world out there, broken and without hope and I feel for every last one of them.
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insanitybytes22 said:
There really is a broken world out there, one without hope. Hope is everything but how we can communicate that to people sure is challenging. I feel rich, I feel blessed, and I so wish everyone else did too.
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ColorStorm said:
Dang, you have a gift.
And when we see or hear of the end of the road for some people, how they just maybe cannot tolerate a kind of pain or anguish……..they take a piece of ourselves with them.
Bless ya mbytes.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thanks for your kind words, Colorstorm.
They really do take a piece of us with them, that’s a good point. I’d sure like to see less brokeness in the world, more hope. I know this Guy, He came to set the captives free, and He can fix everything that’s wrong within us, but sadly that’s a tough sell.
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altruistico said:
IB;
A captivating story that draws in the reader and forces them to listen to their own conscience over opportunities lost or accomplished. I know that each day God gives to each one of us opportunities for which to be benevolent, kind and loving towards others. But we don’t always do that. Do we? There in, as Christians, lies our own personal downfall. For even the heathen has pity on others.
Your story tweaked my conscience; reminding me of countless times I failed to be benevolent, kind and loving towards others and to be helpful in times of their need. It is a terrible thing when once a conscience is pained. I hope, as people read your post, their conscience is bitterly enflamed; doing so as a reminder that “we are to tend His flock”, “we are to feed the hungry and give to the poor”, “we are to show mercy ad kindness for He first sowed it to us” and be ever mindful that “what we have done to the least of these; we have done unto Him.”
Thank you for sharing this post; for it has served as a reminder and blessed me richly.
May the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob bless you and yours.
Yours in Christ;
Michael
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thanks for your kind words. My conscience has been panged a few times too, one of the hazards of living in a small town, I guess. You’ll have a casual acquaintance with someone, be thinking, I really should get around to talking to them about faith,and the next day they’re gone. Life is short, and there are so many missed opportunities. Somethings can’t be helped, but when God is nudging us and we delay, it’s a terrible thing. We just know in our spirit when we were called to speak and act and we didn’t. I have done that, so today I try to avoid having any regrets, I try to listen to Him when He’s talking to me.
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altruistico said:
You are quite welcome, IB; and thank you for responding to my comment. Greatly appreciated.
I have a tendency to tell people “Life at it’s longest is still short.” We never know when we are entertaining angels and we never know how much someone needs us until we take the time to see.
God bless you, IB, and May God bless.
Yours in Christ;
Michael
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Wally Fry said:
Very moving IB
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Paul said:
Amen (please help the cutter)
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Dan Ledwith said:
In this case, a hug would speak louder than words, and would do more good, I left one here for you. /hug
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Pingback: Down By the Creek… – somebodysneighbor
karenlts25 said:
On Fri, Sep 23, 2016 at 8:48 AM, See, there’s this thing called biology… wrote:
> insanitybytes22 posted: “I ran away one day when life overwhelmed me, down > by the creek where I often go and I met him there, this scraggly black man > who just didn’t belong there. He was something urban, off the streets of a > big city, standing there cursing himself, homeless, unr” >
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"A" dad said:
Proverbs 24
11 Rescue those being led away to death;
hold back those staggering toward slaughter.
12 If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,”
does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?
Does not he who guards your life know it?
Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?
13 Eat honey, my son, for it is good;
honey from the comb is sweet to your taste.
14 Know also that wisdom is like honey for you:
If you find it, there is a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.
Nice try Memi, trying to hold Mike back.
Thanks for the Wisdom many of us receive from you.
John 16:32-33
32 “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.
33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Take heart Memi, as you often do.
As you can see from your blog commenters, you have attracted plenty of “stray dogs” to put some care on! ; – )
“Does not he who guards your life know it?
Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?”
; – )
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SLIMJIM said:
Suicides hits very hard for me…sorry to hear this. Praying for you and also for those commenting
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