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Men and women are really very different and that is a glorious thing indeed, but it can also be very frustrating, especially of we expect one another to act, think, and perceive in the same way. It really irritates me that the world is trying so hard to declare that there are no innate differences between men and women, that gender is simply a state of mind.
It irritates me because I grew up being told this and the culture around me enforced it…. and then I encountered actual men. The juxtaposition between “gender is just a social construct” versus observable reality will make you crazy. It’s a form of Gaslighting. Psychological abuse. Here is what people are saying, but here is what I am perceiving. So my perceptions must be wrong? So I can’t even trust my own eyes? So I must be doing something wrong here? Am I married to a defective unit?
In the context of marriage, this caused me endless grief. How does he not know? A lamentation from many wives. What is going on in his head? What is the thought process behind this? He must be a defective unit because all normal people would know these things! Where are his reasoning skills hiding? Women will rationalize, spin, and try to understand what is going on within men way past the point of all common sense, but if we have been told that men and women are the same, we’re dealing with faulty data, with a flawed foundational principle from which our logic now tries to flow.
All in good humor here, but my husband is a really lousy woman. What does that even mean? Well, he is just not sensitive, emotional, intuitive, multi tasking, and empathetic. He does possess some aspects of those skills but they simply do not manifest themselves in a feminine way. So the answer to the question, “how does he not know” is a simple one, he is a man, he perceives the world differently, his priorities are different, his focus is different. Not wrong, just different. “He does not know” because he has a different set of eyes.
To not understand, recognize, and honor this can cause endless and unnecessary grief. There’s just something wrong with the man! He is a defective unit? Perhaps he doesn’t love me? I must change him! Maybe if I just pour enough words over him, he’ll see the light? Or maybe there is just someone better out there…
Or you could just become a feminist, bound and determined to dismantle the whole patriarchy, and rewire the very biological nature of men themselves, until we have completely eviscerated and eliminated the whole problem. I like it, I am all about world domination, but I think logic suggests that we should first ask the question, do men have any innate worth and value just the way they are? Did God make a mistake here? Is the equation itself wrong or are our perceptions of the equation wrong?
So, should he “know?” Isn’t it his responsibility to know? To “know” what? A bit humorous here, but to know everything we need men to know in any given circumstance, even when we ourselves do not quite know what that even is. That leads to the idea of having unrealistic expectations and why I often quip about how men must be Batman…or perhaps a pirate. Pirates are pretty amazing, too. Just read my mind and I’ll be happy.
The thing is, our expectations often exist in the realm of fantasy.That is not necessarily a bad thing. Women have the eyes to see potential, to call men to their higher selves, to show them what they are truly capable of, to bring out their worth and value. However, we will never get there if our expectations of men revolve around expecting them to perceive the world as women do. Men can be gloriously awesome men or they can be deeply flawed and defective women.
So Matt is a wonderful blogger, a divorced dad over at Must Be This Tall to Ride, who quite bravely has been trying to tackle explaining why he left his crying wife alone in the hospital right after she gave birth. The poor guy, that is huge trigger for women, all of us who have proceeded to cut him no slack, as in you are simply without excuse, dude. Matt as a dude, has rather graciously tried to explain his reasoning, what he was thinking, but most of us have simply had a visceral reaction, like claw the guys eyes out. I love visceral reactions, what emotions have to teach us.
What Matt’s post has taught me, reinforced for me, is just how innately different men and women are. I really have to disengage from my fleshly response, compartmentalize my brain, and try to think like a guy in order to empathize here. That’s not so easy, the biological, fleshly aspects of gender can be powerful and setting them aside even for a few moments can be challenging. Everything female within me screams abandonment, failure to protect, betrayal, you louse, but absent those triggers I can see how his decision really had nothing to do with her at all. From his perspective he was looking at long-term cause and effect, getting a good night’s sleep so he would be refreshed, notifying the family of the birth that had just taken place, all very responsible things, tactical choices that completely ignored the theoretical implications of leaving your crying wife at the hospital. It’s a very typical male response to problem solving, one having no malicious intent behind it.
While it completely disregards the wife’s feelings, that is not necessarily about having a desire to hurt her, but rather embracing the more masculine trait of “doing” rather than just being.
Matt poses a very wise question here, “How much better might our relationships be if, when something happens and we’re missing too much information to KNOW why it happened, we tell ourselves the most generous, best-possible story to explain it rather than the most cynical, or worst-possible explanation?”
Amen! My jaded and cynical eyes have really had to suspend disbelief, to let go of what I think I know, and to assume my husband has noble intentions and a desire to always do what’s best for us. That ain’t so easy, that makes you vulnerable, it is risky, and it can open you up to disapointment. It’s interesting to me what we people seem to fear the most in love, is getting it wrong, trusting and being betrayed. Cynicism and thinking the worse can protect us somewhat, but than we risk never knowing what love is really all about.
So marriage, just one act of forgiveness after another and always telling yourself the “most generous, best possible story,” to explain your spouses actions. Men, having a totally dfferant way of perceiving things, while often a real pain in the neck, are also the same qualities that attract us to them. Empathy really is key and love is a choice, we have to choose to love people just as they are, not as we wish them to be.
"A" dad said:
“How much better might our relationships be if, when something happens and we’re missing too much information to KNOW why it happened, we tell ourselves the most generous, best-possible story to explain it rather than the most cynical, or worst-possible explanation?”
Memi,
this one is a good question, but also, a double edged sword. It cuts both ways. The flip side of this notion is that while people think they are being magnanomous by thinking the best of people; thinking the best of people is also the easiest thing to think.
As in; “He does not have a drinking problem.”, “She does not have a drug problem”. “My child would never do that.” “My spouse would never do that.” When he does, she does and they would. : – (
Yes, if you give people (including yourself) the benefit of a doubt from time to time, that is typically a good thing.
When you start giving people the benefit of a doubt frequently, there are bigger problems between ones’ self and the person in question.
On the other hand, when people make judgements supported by bad information, (Lundy Bancroft for instance) as opposed to thinking better of people, here is the horror that can happen:
https://exposegcm.wordpress.com/2012/06/13/what-happened-to-my-wife/#comments
https://exposegcm.wordpress.com/2013/02/09/why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/
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Elizabethan said:
Literally, I looked into everything my abuser did that she was acting “In the best intentions” and “Didn’t know if she was hurting everybody” and “the best possible reason she’d do that” when literally everything she did was to hurt me, hurt my friends, and make a scene, and isolate me, and convince me to isolate myself and just, ruin my happiness.
I am cynical for a reason, and I need to see proof, and I will wait till I see proof, and that’s depressing sometimes, but that’s how abused people cope. Love or leave it, call it a sin or a god send.
The sick part is that I saw everything she did with the best possible intentions and therefore couldn’t see what others were doing with the same good will, even if they were acting in good will and to help a girl out and to build to a bridge…
It is good advice if someone is acting out unusually cruel, but when it’s a habit and a perception that they hold, there is no hope there and its good to just leave. Fatigue is also a thing, you can read good into it, but if you are out, you are out and not going back in.
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"A" dad said:
E’, sounds like you have been through a rough patch. I am in the middle of one myself. Here is part of what Jesus told his disciples when he sent them out into the world:
16 “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.
Matthew 10
There is a right way to be “as shrewd as snakes”, while still being “innocent as doves”.
I hope we both find the right way to be both, where we should! Hang in there! Keep the faith, in the right things.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thank you for those links, A dad. Much appreciated. I spent a long time working with domestic violence/ sexual assault victims. Abuse is a real thing in the world, I get that, but I watched things change, I watched feminism take over, and the goal was no longer about healing victims anymore, but about punishing men. False allegations, manipulation, brainwashing women. Needless to say, I eventually lost my job.
It’s actually battered women who taught me that our minds are powerful things, that the stories we tell ourselves about our spouses make all the difference in the world. One problem today is what our culture is doing to men, how women are being taught to perceive them negatively, and how those narratives are destroying our marriages.
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"A" dad said:
Ephesians 6:12
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Memi, I don’t think you lost your job. I think you got a promotion. Thanks for the work you do here and elsewhere. Here is Lundy Bancroft, the charaltan “abuse expert”, and his link announcing his own cult, “Nature’s Temple”, he is quite a deceiver.
http://transitiontoanewworld.blogspot.com/2011/03/new-spiritual-community.html
This is the “principality” I see that we are both fighting. Take heart! As with all good fights, the battle is The Lord’s!
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Elizabethan said:
Abuse is a thing in the world and just changing your perspective doesn’t stop it from being abuse. You can whitewash it or see it as just them needing more help then you, but at the end of the day that behavior and habitually putting yourself last will destroy you.
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"A" dad said:
E’, sounds like we are on the same page.
Being “shrewd as a dove” is not a godly thing.
Being “innocent as a snake” is not a godly thing either! 😏🕊☀️
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Citizen Tom said:
Empathy has its limits. A man can put himself in his wife’s shoes, but the chances are good those shoes won’t fit. So if the guy stops at that point, his lady will just laugh. However, the fellow with at that post modern earnestness tries to do more,….well, I don’t think many women actually want to be married to a cross-dresser.
Guys want gals, gals want guys because we ain’t the same.
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insanitybytes22 said:
“…the fellow with at that post modern earnestness..”
You made me laugh, Tom. I should probably cry over how sad that really is, but gah, nothing irritates me more than a bit of post modern earnestness!
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amommasview said:
I think everything is said by you and also by Ah Dad… I don’t want to be a lazy and only say “fantastic post” or “thought provoking”. But at this stage I’m actually out of words. I really don’t know what to say besides the two short comments mentioned before. My head is still working, thinking about what the best words would be. My husband is a lousy woman as well but he is a great man, and that’s what he is supposed to be for me. Now excuse me while I continue thinking about your post for a little bit longer…
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thanks for reading and for your comment. It’s been an interesting discussion and I always appreciate a good conversation.
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amommasview said:
It is… I just read his post. So many thoughts…
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"A" dad said:
“A” moma, ; – ) I am having trouble up-voting. Anyway, here is a bit from the Word that always helps:
Isaiah 53:6
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
Grace and truth is offered to all of us. If we have properly received Grace and truth, we are obligated to offer both to others, and especially our spouse.
People who deny that they need Grace, are typically not big fans of truth either.
In this situation, we do well to keep in mind that:
5 Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Proverbs 27
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amommasview said:
Interesting…
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emilyy96 said:
I admit, I’ve been supporting the “gender is just a social construct” viewpoint more and more lately. Deep down, I don’t really think it’s true. God says as much in the Bible – he created us differently for different tasks. But… Whenever I hear about the inherent differences between men and women, it’s always followed by an argument that lends support to reactionary ideologies policies that oppress women. After all, if men and women are inherently different, then you now have an argument against any attempt to empower women. Women aren’t made for working because men and women are inherently different, women don’t enter STEM fields because men and women are inherently different and so on. So, while I don’t agree with them, I understand why feminists argue that gender is a social construct.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Emily, there are some places on the internet that are such a swirling mass of confusion and bitterness, that really do advocate “reactionary ideologies policies that oppress women,” and those places are enough to drive anyone towards feminism. To bear witness to the kind of hatred towards women lurking in some people’s hearts, is enough to convince anyone that we should support gender as a social construct and do everything we can to reduce and limit male power. Domination as destruction of the feminine, pretty creepy stuff. So yeah, I understand how these ideas come into being, too. 🙂
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Paul said:
Amen IB!
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SandySays1 said:
From an observers POV- How much of the what you humans struggle with gender differences is tangible (and they look real to me) and what are a product of your insane political system is a real question to me. Woof, woof.
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Somali K Chakrabarti said:
Yes, men and women are wired to perceive the world differently, but in my opinion therein lies the need for empathy.
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