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Not long ago I said that love was not always about making people happy, that to genuinely love somebody sometimes requires you to make them unhappy, to risk their rejection and hostility because genuine love demands you put their best interests first. Their best interests may be in direct conflict with what they think they want. I used motherhood as an example which led a non believer to declare, “is that what you think you job is, to make your kids as unhappy as possible?”
All in good humor here, but uh, yes! Precisely! I live to make my kids as miserable as possible. That is my very purpose in life. Have you never had teen-agers before? Let me tell you, if they aren’t hating on you, you’re probably doing something wrong.
Okay, all snark aside, but who can ever forget the delighted toddler, naked as a jaybird, having an absolute blast trying to insert a butter knife in an electrical outlet? It is outright painful to see such joy, such curiosity and innocence, and squash it in its tracks. The fruit of my loins, the love of my life, now shrieking in outrage because I was compelled to disarm them, spoil their fun, break their heart. Such grief and outright despair over having one’s whims thwarted.
That is painful stuff for a mother’s heart. To make matters worse, they are so darn cute, you just want to pick-up a butter knife yourself and join them in their exploration of the nature of electricity. That however, would be rather selfish and not a love- based response at all.
It doesn’t get any easier from there on out. Love requires genuine sacrifice, it forces you to constantly ask yourself who’s needs are really being fulfilled here? Happiness, joy, these are things most of us want to see more of in the world and certainly within our own children’s lives, but life does not revolve around delivering those short-term bliss hits, especially not when those little bliss hits are going to create more misery down the road.
So love compels us to say things like, “stop what you’re doing and brush your teeth,” a rather boring task that fills few people with great happiness, and yet not doing it is sure to bring future misery in the way of cavities.
Love also compels us to teach kids how to relate kindly to other people, something I barely have a good grasp on myself. We teach them not to hit people, to share their toys, to use good manners, to be mindful of the feelings of others. Does that make them “happy?” Does it validate what they “feel”? Not so much. In fact, it demands they set aside their own happiness, their own feelings, and take into account the needs of others.
It doesn’t “feel” good at first, but long-term, being self-absorbed will bring a great deal of misery down upon you too, so instead we try to encourage a bit of awareness about how your own self interests should not always take unlimited precedent in all situations. We all have to try to live together, right?
My own mother had some challenges, primarily narcissism. She has a kind of broken love that cannot even conceive of the needs of others, including her own children. I don’t say that to be unkind, it simply is what it is. She did not think about providing us with a place to live, food to eat, sending us to school, staying in her marriages, protecting us from harm. My mother was the kind of mother that did pick up a butter knife and follow us to the electrical outlet…and than blamed us when she got shocked. Her inability to function or to even perceive the world beyond her own “needs and wants” is somewhat startling to this day.
It is not love, in fact, it is the precise opposite of love. On the surface it appears as if she desires “to make everyone happy,” but in truth she is completely incapable of perceiving anyone else as existing separate from her own desires. My mother was always the actual child in our home and we learned very young that we existed solely to fulfill her needs. She has no awareness of long-term consequences or the impact of her behavior on others.
So, genuine love is actually a rather complex and painful thing, that often requires us to risk rejection, hostility, outrage, because to truly love someone is to be able to set yourself aside and look beyond what “feels good,” what makes “people happy,” and to instead to do what is right and true for them, based on their needs rather than your own.
Love also sometimes compels you to say no. If you can’t ever say no and your idea of love is “what ever makes people happy”, than whose needs are really being served there?
See, there's this thing called biology... 
yep! Mums have to learn tough love alright (and keep it well balanced with mercy I might add). I found as both parent and teacher though that kids taught reasonable boundaries, love and good manners are actually far happier than those allowed “free rein”.
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Great meme! Should be required to be posted as a full page graphic on every teens’ magazines.
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Excellent post! I don’t have children but I could really relate to the tough love theme. I have trouble saying no or being assertive with people. All I want to do is find the path of least resistance to make them happy and I can’t tell you how many times that has burned me and in some cases burned them. I’m bookmarking this for when I need to give my head a shake lol thank you!
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Thanks for your kind words and taking the time to read 😉
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My goodness. Our purpose as parents is to take perfectly self-centered beings and slowly teach them to be other-centered. It’s the hardest thing in the world.
We are up against the utter self-seeking steel will of a human being!
Human beings are naturally selfish and to learn to consider others is training to not only act, but THINK, in opposition to the natural impulses.
The job stinks.
They hate you.
It’s natural.
But once they become other-centered, they kinda understand what you were doing. The payoff is way, way too long after the crap you go through.
But you do it because the long term far off reward, which is really their reward, is worth it.
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That’s what I thought, too, Madblog! I’m rather surprised (and even a bit horrified) to discover there are several people who seem to disagree with that.
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It’s just denial to fail to realize that you’re dealing with a completely self-seeking person. I guess people don’t like to think of their kids that way.
But it gets reeeally ugly if they don’t lean other-centeredness when they’re older…teens…young adults…not so young adults.
In the interest of internet non-anonymity, please call me Madelyn.
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Great post!
I had to make sure my homework was done, room was cleaned and if I went out to play, I had to be home when the street lights started to come on.
I went to bed crying many of nights saying “I hate her!”
But when I got older all my friends I had growing up stayed in and out of jail while I went to college.
I wanted their mother to be mine as a child because they where allowed to stay out later than I. It wasn’t until I got older and found out they wished they had my mother too.
Today I thank her daily for raising me that way. She said she told me when I got older I would say that.
Love do what it have to do. Love never fail.
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I hear parents say all the time when my children grow up all I want is for them to be happy, and I kinda just laugh because though I want them to be happy there are things more important and it depends on what kind of happiness. My father is an alcoholic and he would be happy drinking him self to death, so no I dont want him to have the happiness that he desires.
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Well said IB. Ha! I once heard a parent trying to get her kid to bed and she said: “Napoleon’s Mom made him go to bed early and he hated it too. But look at what he became when he grew up – an Emperor.”
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Reblogged this on Assorted of Interest and Interesting and commented:
It’s as if I was thinking aloud and she took notes for me. Important to remind myself that love ❤ is a verb, an action word, and that my brand of love ❤ is all about purpose, strength, character building.
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Thank you for the reblog, much appreciated 😉
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Excellent post!😺
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We like to joke that parents thrive on the misery of children, and their sweet, delicious tears.
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A great post. 🙂 Thanks.
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This is great; a very real description of what it is to love someone. Children are the example here but this relates to every relationship and friendship you’ll ever have!
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Although I do not disagree with the ideas behind your post, one must be very careful in this regard, IB. The idea that loving someone involves forcing/guiding another person toward something that we perceive is best for them, regardless of what they want themselves, is what led to the Spanish Inquisition, Crusades, and other atrocities perpetrated by people who thought they were doing what was right.
It is the role of a parent to guide a child, since a child does not know what is in his or her best interest. Yet, once that child reaches adulthood, we can make suggestions but we can/should no longer expect that individual to prioritize OUR values over their own – and all the more so for a romantic partner.
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“The idea that loving someone involves forcing/guiding another person toward something that we perceive is best for them, regardless of what they want themselves, is what led to the Spanish Inquisition, Crusades…”
No. I find it very odd to even suggest that lovingly guiding and leading someone is in anyway similar to what happened during the Spanish Inquisition or the Crusades. That is total hyperbole and almost laughable.
“….but we can/should no longer expect that individual to prioritize OUR values over their own – and all the more so for a romantic partner….”
Hmmm. Well, I think romance requires a great deal of compromise and sacrifice. So to prioritize a partner’s values over our own, does fall under that category. Perhaps accommodate is a better word than prioritize? I know my husband certainly takes my values into consideration as I do his.
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I disagree, IB. The perpetrators of the Inquisition believed that by forcing infidels to convert, they were saving their souls. By executing them, they were saving them from sin and Hell (and saving others from their bad influence). They believed they had the right to enforce their opinions on others who did not share those opinions.
To tone down the hyperbole, let’s apply the concept to a situation of a parent with a grown-up child. The child wants to marry a certain individual, and the parent disapproves (for reasons she believes to be valid). She discusses her concerns with her child, and the child decides to proceed nonetheless. Should the parent, at that point, continue to press her perspective, in your opinion? Should she exercise “tough love”? Or should she realize that every adult individual is ultimately free to make their own choices, and that beyond voicing her opinion, anything further would be destructively controlling?
Another example: Husband is overweight, and wife wants him to lose the weight, both for his health and for her attraction to him. She discusses her concerns with him, but he does not change his habits. She sees his behavior as hurtful to her feelings – “if he loved me, he would listen to me.” But those feelings are narcissistic. She is not seeing the flip-side of the coin, that if SHE loved HIM, she would not feel that he had to act a certain way just because she wants him to.
I think that this is a sore topic, more so for women than for men. I have noticed that women tend to be more interested in controlling others than men, and tend to see such control as “love”. This is the way we love a child, but not an adult. And how many women, after nagging at their husbands, begin to see their husbands as children? There is a plague of this in our society – and the fault IMHO lies not with the men, but with the women’s expectations.
I will grant you that in a good relationship, each partner prioritizes the opinions of the other (not necessarily above their own, but not far below it). But there is a world of difference between expecting that your partner will HEAR you versus that they will OBEY you. That is not love. Too many people think it is.
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IB did not put the thoughts in the terms you’re using…you are reading an extreme (and incorrect) perspective into her post. Surely you would correct a child who was endangering himself, unequivocally? Are you a tyrant then?
Obviously we do not expect obedience from adults. Quit the red herrings! 🙂
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Oh, I completely agree with your examples of the over weight husband and the adult child marrying an undesirable spouse.
I also agree, gender makes a huge difference here, as do the roles between men and women. For example, I promised to love, honor, and obey, my husband did not. He promised to love and cherish. Would I eat my veggies if he asked me to? Most likely, yes. Would he eat his if I nagged him about it? Most likely not. Eating your veggies is a rather insignificant example of “values,” but it does show the difference within gender relations. With any luck he will hear me and eat them for his own health.
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@madblog, if only what you wrote was true!
I admitted in my previous post that guidance is how parents express love to young children – so I agree with you in that regard. But regarding your assertion that “obviously we do not expect obedience from adults” – I disagree.
How many women marry men, expecting them to change and growing disappointed when they don’t? How many women use the expression “If he loved me, he would……”? How many women experience hurt feelings when their husbands choose not to listen to their advice, and then proceed to nagging….because they believe that if their husbands would only listen to them, they would be better off?
Unfortunately, many people believe that “love” is best expressed in the way that IB posted – doing what we believe is “best” for our partner, rather than what our partner “wants”. The problem with that idea is that often, our ideas of what is best for our partner is really just a projection of what we want ourselves, or what we think our partners SHOULD want.
My point here is that there is a huge difference between expressing love as guidance of a minor child versus the way we should express love for an adult – even an adult child of ours. If this was hyperbole or a red herring, controlling mothers-in-law and nagging wives would not be as common as they are.
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“Unfortunately, many people believe that “love” is best expressed in the way that IB posted – doing what we believe is “best” for our partner, rather than what our partner “wants”. The problem with that idea is that often, our ideas of what is best for our partner is really just a projection of what we want ourselves, or what we think our partners SHOULD want.”
Interesting Jeremy, because I believe that is precisely what I was attempting to say in this post.
I addressed this by mentioning narcissism, “our ideas of what is best for our partner is really just a projection of what we want ourselves.”
The nagging wives and controlling mother in laws you mention are actually engaging in some behavioral narcissism. Were it not so much about them and their own desires, they would be able to see how their own love is actually more about control than it is about doing what is in someone else’s best interests.
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“Love also sometimes compels yo to say no” True that.
Moonstruck
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