Does anyone watch this television show? I do not, I actually listen to the dialog for comic relief. I suppose that is a bit like claiming to read porn mags for the articles?

Naked and Alone is a strange concept right off the bat, a male and female get dumped off somewhere unpleasant, naked and alone with only one tool for their survival. Generally there are mosquitos, snakes, and lots of mud.

It may well start out with sexual overtones, they are taking two complete strangers here and placing them somewhere totally naked. However, the horrors of biological reality attack quickly, so somewhere in the midst of the leeches, the dehydration, and the hypothermia, all concepts of sexuality tend to vanish quickly. That vanishing is part of what makes me laugh.

That and listening to a couple of foolish people needlessly torture themselves for the sake of entertainment tends to cheer me up immensely.

The narration goes something like this, “Scott has now been vomiting for 23 hours straight after forgetting to boil his water yesterday. He has been given and anti-emetic to try to control his nausea. Meanwhile, Susan appears to be withdrawing more and more into herself and is no longer taking an interest in her surroundings.”

I imagine the camera will pan in on Scott retching violently on the ground while Susan with her glazed over eyes is staring off into nothingness.

The narration continues, “Now half-starved, covered in leeches, and facing dehydration, survival takes on a new desperation as Scott and Susan seek some form of nourishment.”

Generally the nourishment must involve something completely disgusting. I mean, who wants to munch on a few ants or berries, when you can try to spear a giant pink jungle worm and attempt to swallow him whole?

Susan no longer seems concerned about the giant leeches wrapping her ankles as she anxiously awaits her share of the worm from Scott. Scott was rated a 7.5 on our survival scale, but due to his repeated issues with dysentery, that score has now been reduced to a 3.5. Susan’s ability to completely checkout of reality has earned her an additional survival point, however.

Not to put too fine of a point on it, but anyone who would willingly agree to go out in the middle of no where, stark naked and without supplies, doesn’t rate high on my survivability scale.

For anyone who may find themselves in a similar situation through no fault of their own, step one is always to build a fire. Always! Fire first! It provides heat, allows you to boil water, keeps wild animals away, and lifts your spirits. Also, it helps to keep the leeches and mosquitos at bay.  Under no circumstances should you first go hunting for food, try to build an elaborate shelter, or drink stagnant water out of slimy pools.

Also, for goodness sakes, find something to cloth yourself with. Only a complete moron walks around in the wilderness naked. You may think you’re cool, but all you’re going to get is hypothermia or 3rd degree burns from the sun.

judgement