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abuse, blogging, drama, faith, insanitybytes, marriage, opinion, red pills, submission
Thank you Pastor Wilson, for standing in The Word, for standing up for what is right. I appreciate bearing witness to that a great deal. (For those who don’t know, Pastor Wilson is a rather outspoken, controversial, and often maligned pastor, the author of many books, and a blogger.)
I like to speak of faith, of marriage, of submission even…..and than there are the red pills. Red pills like Donal Graeme and Dalrock, hostile, angry men who pervert scripture in a way that can be used to justify abuse against women. Needless to say, I can hardly bear to see my beautiful scriptures twisted, the concept of submission so perverted and misused.
IB is a former domestic violence advocate, so I am not blind to the nature of abuse.
I’ve been speaking out against the red pills for sometime now, especially their attempts to create “Alt Christianity,” this somewhat blasphemous perversion of the faith I hold near and dear, and also their propensity to advocate violence against women, although they like to cloak that truth in rhetoric and denial.
So the whole sordid tale goes something like this. Pastor Wilson posted his “21 theses on submission.” I rather liked it….until the comments started coming in and then I knew we were in red pill territory. Sure enough, Dalrock was annoyed. Apparently Pastor Wilson’s piece was too woman friendly or something, so he wrote “Submission with a twist, and denying rebellion.” Donal joins in and fires off Shoot The Messenger.
Pastor Wilson eventually posts, “And now a brief word for the wife beaters,” which indeed, cheered me up immensely. Dalrock responded with, “Wilson’s intellectual stink bomb.”
NightWind 777 who I rather like, wrote a post called “Cultists Attack Pastor Doug Wilson,” which does help to clarify the nature of the problem even farther. That is what these “Christian” red pills do, twist scripture and attack any pastor they perceive as not advocating perpetual male superiority of the sort that would enable men to use scripture to justify abusing their wives.
The point of this post is two-fold. I really do appreciate the way Pastor Wilson identified the problem and addressed it. I believe I called him “irresponsible” and apparently I was wrong about that. Wrong in the sense that my distrust of him was misplaced because he responded beautifully.
The larger point about responsibility however, is the second part I wanted to address, not really related to Pastor Wilson at all, but as a general commentary. It is irresponsible to teach “wives submit” to men who haven’t yet mastered, “husband’s love.” Heck, to men who apparently haven’t even met Jesus Christ’s grace and mercy yet, redemption as it applies to them personally. Unless I wash you, you have no part of me…
“Wives submit” is only one half of an equation, or perhaps even less than that, if one takes into account the need for Salvation first and then a good understanding of grace. One must first know what it is to “be” loved before one knows what it is “to” love.
“Wives submit” detached from grace itself and a dozen other biblical teachings, simply becomes the excuse for why I drink, the reason I can abuse her, the reason why I have affairs, justification for all manner of sin and violence in a family. It becomes the fuel for spiritual abuse, the excuse for oppressing women, the very reason why we never have to look at our own sin issues at all.
Not my fault Lord, it’s all because of “this woman you gave me…” Needless to say those very same words from Genesis are still used today and they are kind of the opposite of leadership, the opposite of taking personally responsibility. He who is under authority, has authority. He who is not, is simply too wounded to lead anyone. He is simply wasting away in Margaritaville, lamenting the alleged failure of every woman he’s ever known.
Submission in marriage can be a beautiful thing for women, mostly because it helps you to strengthen your own relationship with the Lord, to get to know yourself, to let go of burdens that don’t belong to you, to relinquish a need for control. It can also help to create gentler, less stressed out men, bring peace to your marriage, and to help sexual relations blossom and thrive.
I mentioned that last part, because Pastor Wilson was also lambasted on facebook for allegedly promoting kinkyness or something. Not at all, it is simply that women who feel loved, those who have a gentle spirit that does not give way to fear, and men who feel respected, honored even, are a pretty dynamic sexual combination, one that brings out the best of us within our own biological framework. That’s a good thing in a marriage.
God knew exactly what He was doing when He designed us, and as it says in the bible, 3 John 1:2, “Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.”
See, there's this thing called biology... 
It seems to be an impossible conundrum for some people, but we cannot make another person worthy of being loved. We can only follow the example of our Lord.
When a woman submits to her husband, she submits because she KNOWS he loves her. Submission of any other sort is akin to slavery.
The mistake women make is submitting to a man BEFORE she knows he loves her, before she decides this man is an appropriate father for her children. This is largely the point of courtship. Unless a man is willing give chase and make his love plain to the woman he desires, she risks far too much to submit.
When a man loves a woman and that woman submits to him, we have the beginning of a family. Otherwise, we have a one night stand and all the evils attendant with fornication.
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“It is irresponsible to teach “wives submit” to men who haven’t yet mastered, “husband’s love.”
Amen. That’s Paul’s whole point. These admonitions work in tension with one another. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church, in other words, lay down our lives for them. That’s the only part we men are to be focusing on. The trouble is, when I get a couple in my office who are having marital problems, they only want to confess the other person’s sins, not their own!
The fact remains, it’s very hard to be abusive when one is walking in other-centered, self-giving love. That’s how love works in relationships. In this way, we submit to one another in the reverential fear of God (Eph.5:21).
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LOVE THIS!!
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Thank you for the link. Writers like Dalrock are part of the reason why so many unchurched women recoil from the idea of submission. So do some single Christian women, BTW. They read things like that and are afraid of joining with a husband. Domestic Abuse is the only logical outcome of their philosophy.
In the comments section of the first article, Dalrock actually gave a rare definition where he explained that a wife’s submission to her husband was of ‘the heart and faith’; whereas as heart and faith aren’t involved in a husband’s obligation to love his wife. The only conclusion one can draw from that is that wives are to idolize their husbands, whereas sex is the only expression of a husband’s love. As usual, they’ve reversed things: the Apostles taught husbands to ‘love their wives as Christ loved the Church”. The Red Pills make that out to mean that wives are to love their husbands as though he were Christ
I’ve noticed on some of their other blogs they’ve taken to using the term ‘Alt-Christian’. I hope the term catches on, so that they’re distinguished from the real thing.
As for Wilson, I wish that he’d spoken out before. I wrote somewhere at the time of the last controversy that failing to speak out against the Male Supremacists/heretics would guarantee he’d be attacked by them later. He’s handling them admirably—I think that Dalrock may have bitten off more than he can chew pocking a fight with Wilson.
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Here’s a little something from my ministerial life… Of all the weddings I’ve performed, I can count on one hand – actually 2 fingers – the times I’ve included the “obey” word in the wedding vows. Very few people want that included, even the Christian ones. I know the abuse of the teaching has contributed to the dislike of the word, but it’s really unfortunate that it’s a subject so avoided from the pulpit that so many young believers recoil at having it addressed in their vows.
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I am no different. It is a somewhat funny tale, but long ago we wrote our own vows,none of this obey stuff or any other patriarchal nonsense. The pastor having 3 weddings to do before actually resigning and leaving town, got them all confused and mixed up,and so part way through the ceremony I realized this was not what we had rehearsed at all. So did he,and the poor guy was all red faced and sweating, forced to just resort to traditional vows, looking at me quite terrified as he included the word obey. I took pity on him and complied.
God always gets the last laugh,doesn’t he?
Since then I have pondered the matter extensively and it occurs to me that we women are setting ourselves up, because why would you marry a man so unreliable, so prone to misuse his authority that you are already convinced you will be unable to obey? And men so afraid of their own selves,they assume they will cross a line should they have any power at all.
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Very timely; also thank you IB for your posts defending biblical view of submission and man/woman issue
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Forget Paul and all of the arguments that his words start. What did God say?
God created Eve to be a proper and fitting help for Adam. That defines a heirarchy. One can submit without ever helping. One cannot truely help without submitting. It is not a question of who has the best vision. It is a question of who’s vision God said should be followed.
God told Eve that Adam would (not should, would) rule over her. That defines a heirarchy.
Nowhere is it written in the Bible that God told woman that she could do as she pleased until husband loved her in a way that she deemed satisfactory. Nowhere in the Bible is it recorded that the Church gave directions to Christ. Always, the Church receives direction from Christ. That is how Christ loved the Church. By giving directions to it, not taking directions from it. That is the model for husbands and wives: husband is to wife as Christ is to Church. Giving directions -> receiving directions.
What does Jesus do to those who are lukewarm towards him? More modeling of Christ:Church = husband:wife.
I am not presenting these words to defend Dalrock’s comments. I’m presenting these words to provide the Biblical standard against which all of the comments above must be measured.
The proper relationship is helper to helped. A heirarchy. Created by God. But it is a foolish person who believes they will get the best help possible from someone by abusing them.
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” But it is a foolish person who believes they will get the best help possible from someone by abusing them.”
Unfortunately, the foolish seem to be a renewable resource. Abusing others under a false doctrine and disordered understanding, is a real enough thing in the world and one of the reasons why it is irresponsible to speak of submission outside the context of other biblical principles. Dalrock is without excuse and his comment section testifies to the fruits of his work.
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