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krackenMy official stance on all eschatology is the theological principle of abiding panism. That’s where you just abide in the Lord and trust that it will all pan out.

Recently however, I heard a man talking about the rapture with such enthusiasm and graphic detail it was quite comical. His tone was so decidedly masculine, as in one of those dragon slayer guys who is not quite sure what delights him more, bravely conquering gross things or high risk activities.

Gender differences crack me up and his tale was so packed with them, he had me stifling giggles. About part way through he must have suddenly realized who he was actually talking to, ladies or some approximation thereof, because he suddenly cleared his throat and said, “pardon my language.” It was really quite sweet, perhaps triggered in part by the look of sheer horror on our faces. I assure you, no apologies were necessary.

pirate2It is just that, I ain’t going now. You, my fine Sir, have now given me rapture-phobia. I don’t even like to fly in airplanes, so the idea of being sucked right off the planet and suspended mid-air with all the appropriate swoosh sounds, did not sit well with me at all.

“In the blink of an eye our bodies will be immediately decimated into a thousand pieces….”

Uh, okay, but that’s totally unacceptable to me, too! Β I have no desire to be sucked off the face of the planet and decimated into a million pieces mid-sky somewhere. Forget “Come quickly Lord Jesus,” I am now absolutely convinced, “oh please Lord, do delay as long as possible. If you would be so kind, I would much prefer to just die peacefully of natural causes.”

Also, it’s a twinkle, not a blink. Does it matter? It so does matter, a twinkle is much faster than a blink, more close to the speed of light really. Also, twinkles are much warmer, friendly, inviting. They speak of joyousness while a blink is more like a hostile startle reflex.

“Startled! Yes, it’s going to scare the heck out of us,” Β he says, totally delighted.

Well, it’s certainly starting to scare the heck out of me, I thought. Now you’ve gone and frightened the ladies. Like I said, I ain’t going.

Women are certainly nothing to sneeze at and we do conquer our share of gross things, slay our own dragons, and bravely face many challenges, but just the same there is a definite gender difference there. We tend to be slightly less enthusiastic about taking great risks, not quite as inclined to eagerly embrace a harsh environment, even in our own imaginations.

Let us reconsider all this with a far more feminine flair shall we? Perfect love casts out fear, so with a warm and inviting twinkle in His eye, we will be gently invited to float delicately into His arms above the earth, the whole event happening at the speed of light, far too fast for us to over think anything, or let anxiety set in and begin to torment us. We shall be “caught up with Him” and it will be much more like falling in love, our new bodies arriving in a way more akin to a spa, a luxurious soak in a tub somewhere, complete with a full makeover. Naturally we shall all be ravishingly beautiful, relaxed, and at peace, and we will spend most of those transformational rapture moments closing our eyes and feeling the music while we dance.

Ahhhh, there. FIFY. Β Now that’s so much better, isn’t it? πŸ™‚