It’s okay to fake it

Tags

biology, marriage, relationships, sex, women

There’s a saying, “fake it till you make it.” In the context of marriage,
I’m thinking specifically of showing good manners, of civilized behavior,
of being respectfully even when you don’t feel like it. There’s a bit of
fortune cookie wisdom that instructs people to treat their spouse like you
would an honored guest in your house.

In plain-speak, that means waking up and thinking, “I should have smothered you with a pillow in your sleep,” but instead you say “good morning, it’s nice waking up next to you.” Words have power. Speak those words over the situation and the feelings will usually follow.

In today’s world, especially with women, being authentic is all the rage. We tend to believe we have to follow our feelings at all times. To be polite when you’re seething, can feel deceptive. The thing is, emotions and feelings can be deceptive and fleeting all  by themselves! It really is okay to say “please” and “thank you” and all those superficial  things, even in the midst of an emotional storm, in fact it’s vitally necessary for your own  mental health. In marriage it becomes even more important, as a way of keeping the lid on things,  of maintaining the peace. No matter what the conflict is, pouring more emotion onto  it seldom fixes anything.

So, marital sex, “faking it,” and consent. I recently bumped into a bit of head
butting with some Fems over this. In the context of a loving marriage, it is
okay to say yes to sex even if you aren’t all that enthusiastic about it. Even
when the dishes need to be done and you have a good book you’d rather read.
It’s okay! Chances are good you’ll soon forget all about the dishes anyway.

(In case any men have ever felt rejected or hurt because they’ve been passed over in
favor of a good book, try not to take it personally, it’s usually more about how women’s brains work than how we feel about you.)

There’s this silly idea going around that women must feel completely thrilled about
sex, 100% enthusiastically feeling it, or else we’re not consenting. In the context of
marriage, this is completely ridiculous. It may make me unpopular with some, but marriage itself is all about implied consent, one flesh. I don’t want to use the word “entitlement,” but there is a contract there, a covenant. Let me be clear, if you’re never enjoying it, something is wrong. This idea however, that consent must always be related to how swept away you are by the mere mention of sex, is a bunch of hooey. Life is not a romance novel.

Some women think I’m condoning marital rape or something. That’s absolutely ridiculous. If somebody treats you that poorly, you probably shouldn’t be married to them in the first place. What I’m condemning is women saying no to themselves, to their own enjoyment, because some people in our culture are running around promoting this idea that full bodily autonomy must apply even in the context of marriage, and that consent is completely defined by the emotions, thoughts, and feelings of the moment.

It’s kind of heartbreaking, there are some women right now feeling bad about themselves, feeling ashamed, because they had sex with their husbands when they weren’t really excited about it. I kid you not, they are now concerned that they did not consent, therefore they have betrayed themselves, aided and abetted rape, deceived their husband’s, and let the entire Sisterhood down. All at the same time! Yes, I know it’s crazy, but sometimes women’s heads really will go there, especially as feminism marches a path of destruction right through the whole concept of traditional marriage.

No wonder marriage rates have declined and single people now outnumber married ones in the US. Marriage is challenging enough without all the added angst.

To these women I have to say, stop beating yourselves up. It’s okay! Stop listening to the world’s advice. See, as happy as I may make some men by stating that sex is a part of the marriage deal, that wives should say yes as often as possible, it’s really more about the women and what all these new fangled ideas are trying to do to our heads, to our sexuality, to our marriages.

****This is a reblog from 2014