The other day the President, while advocating for universal pre-school, stated that stay at home mommy-hood was not a choice we wanted Americans to make. Perhaps he misspoke but this statement goes into the bucket of abuse being heaped upon wives and mothers for decades now. It sits in the bucket of slop along with not wanting women to “be punished with a baby,” or how “women shouldn’t have to waste their lives baking cookies” or any other myriad of offensive and demeaning things being said that cut right to the core and who and what women are and the role we play in the world.
Not long ago someone asked me, a wife, mother, grandma, “So now that the kids are grown, are you finally going to do something useful with yourself?” Perhaps it wasn’t intended as a shaming tactic designed to completely erase the last 30 years of my life, collapse my psyche, and send me into a tailspin…..I jest, it wasn’t quite that bad, but it did make me keenly aware of how the labor and work of women is being demeaned and erased.
There’s a young girl here, pregnant, out of wedlock, currently enjoying all the slugs of the self righteous who say things like “she’s thrown her life away” and “how sad, she’s totally ruined her future” and “I guess that’s all some people know how to do, make babies.” Ironically these digs are not coming from Christians but rather the secular world of feminist and liberal thought. This girl is perceived as a shameful failure, a woman who does not appreciate the value of a good education and a career. A woman who obviously surrendered all to a man at some point, oh the horror. For those who don’t know, surrendering anything to men, ever, is a great social faux pas these days. A proper lady knows to surrender all to the benevolence of government instead.
It’s a bit of a twist, but it’s actually Christians who are showing this girl some kindness, finding her a place to live, giving her a baby shower. The horse is out of the barn, there’s no point crying over spilt milk. Besides, this girl is simply doing what women have been doing for centuries, bringing life into the world. That’s a beautiful thing. She’s already going to face a lot of challenges in the process, financial, emotional. No matter how wonderfully some women rise to the occasion as single moms, it is far easier, far more beneficial to have children within the context of marriage. Husbands and fathers make a huge difference. She will have to learn this all while raising a child by herself.
There is a war on women being waged right now. It seeks to erase who we are as women, to replace our value as wives and mothers, with our ability to pursue wealth and careers. It seeks to rob women of our identity as the nurturers and givers of life and to change us into the providers of casual sex, a job they promise will be accommodated by providing us with free birth control and access to abortion. It’s a war that seeks to replace the role of men with the role of the state.
Why so many women remain unable to see this for what it is, continues to baffle me. It’s not women who win the game in the end, it’s not any of us, actually. As if the offense were not bad enough, they twist that knife in a bit farther and convince us this is all happening for our own good. Women now get to cheer on and advocate for our new role, as the collateral damage of somebody else’s culture war.
See, there's this thing called biology... 
I pray all the best for that mother-to-be and her baby! 🙂
For all their talk of wanting to help women, feminists trample on a lot of women. Have people forgotten that the one who rocks the cradle rules the world? Women literally bring up the next generation of innovators, thinkers, doers, and moral advocators. The more time a woman spends rearing her children, the more effective her teaching will be. Her presence in the lives of her children creates emotional stability for them, and if there’s anything this world needs, it’s emotional stability.
At least I know I would never trade my mother welcoming me home from school with a hug and a smile with me coming home to an empty, indifferent house.
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On the flip side, having the choice is important. Women need to have the ability to support themselves especially in tragic circumstances. Admittedly, there are days I wish that I did not work full time. We could embrace a woman’s role as family nurturer, even when she is working, though. I resent being forced to sacrifice family for my calling as a physician. It doesn’t have to be that way. As women we must support each other, regardless of choice or circumstance.
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Interesting post IB – I doubt it is possible for any public figure to make any statement on women’s rights without upsetting at least a portion of the female population – the beliefs are so varied.
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Bravo! The uniqueness of our biology (the ability to bear children) is demeaned … at all stages. Feminists turn their backs on women who embrace legitimate femininity. Reminds me of the My Fair Lady song, A Hymn to Him: Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
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Well said, Wise!
From my masculine perspective, we get it wrong on both sides… we absolutely do demand that women be more like men(1) … and that men take on all the trappings of femininity.
This relentless demand that people go against their most basic natures has caused the schizophrenic view society has of manhood, womanhood, masculinity, femininity, male, female, boy, girl, man, woman.
No surprise, therefore, that we’d have young girls and boys proclaiming — with absolute certainty — that they’re not girls or boys, but rather something else, or a little bit of both, or some third thing… And, of course, the “enlightened” secular priesthood of the media immediately pounce on the announcement, accept it, and demand that all others accept it, on pain of public, politically correct shaming. Or worse.
As to your comment on “the uniqueness of our biology,” — so true! As a man, the sheer awesomeness (and I never use that word lightly) of what women can do is jaw-dropping, astonishing, head-shaking-in-wonderment, beautifully, awe-inspiringly awesome.(2) Every man is aware of this, whether he’s top-of-mind aware of it or not. I’m sure that women, deep down, have the same idea and reverence toward men, but being a man, I can’t have that outside perspective.
Best,
— x
Notes:
(1) My favorite example is a local woman newsreader with a strong, deep, forceful apparently very affected, very masculine voice. It’s amusing to listen to her as she does her best imitation of Ted Baxter.
(2) Women deserve three references to awe in one sentence!
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Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
I chose to not be a mother but I think that mother’s today are not given the same respect as any other profession. Children are the future and well raised ones a treasure. No one should put any one down for deciding on motherhood as a life path. A lot cannot afford the choice but if someone can then they deserve respect for that choice. The president I think is entirely misguided in his comments.
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Again, beautifully said, IB!
Best,
— x
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Reblogged this on ally1lakeside.
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Reblogged this on duncanmason.
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IB, I’m not surprised by your interpretation of what Obama said as a suggestion that being a stay-at-home mother is not something American women should be. I heard what he said and I didn’t hear that at all. I heard a response to the fact that millions of mothers have no choice but to work in order to support (or help support) their families financially and that by providing high-quality pre-school availability, those mothers who either have to work or choose to work (and yes, that should be their choice) have a way to ensure that, while at work, their children are well cared for.
To declare that there is a “war on women” going on in this country is a page out of the Fox News book declaring each December that there is a war on Christmas going on.
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“I heard a response to the fact that millions of mothers have no choice but to work…..”
Did you consider the fact that “have no choice” and “not a choice we want Americans to make” are pretty much both anti-choice declarations? You’ll have to forgive me but, “you have no choice, we want you to have no choice, yay freedom” just doesn’t resonate well.
“To declare that there is a “war on women” going on in this country is a page out of the Fox News book..”
Doobster,, the “war on women” is a meme that came from your side of the aisle to try and shut up my side of the aisle. Are you telling me that your side took a page out of the Fox playbook or something? Because all I’m doing is playing off your own meme and taking it to it’s logical conclusion.
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“Not a choice we want Americans to make” was not about choosing to be a mother. Some women have no choice to work, but the comment was in the context of having to choose between staying home to take care of your children or sacrifice current and future earnings because of making that choice. It was about having to sacrifice career and earnings as a result of choosing to be a mother. If a woman has to work due to economic circumstances or chooses to work, she should have a way to ensure that her children are taken care of while she is at work.
So your interpretation of what he said as being “we want you to have no choice” is just totally off the mark, IB.
I don’t know where the “war on women” or “war on feminism” memes came from, although I do know where “War on Christmas” came from. I have a distaste for any meme where whenever someone is doing something someone else doesn’t particularly like, the phrase “war on [whatever]” gets attached to it. So it doesn’t matter to me whether they come from the left or from the right, they are just labels intended to inflame others who are too lazy or too ignorant to scratch below the surface of whatever the issues are.
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“….the comment was in the context of having to choose between staying home to take care of your children or sacrifice current and future earnings because of making that choice”
It always astounds me when people don’t understand this, but women simply cannot be in two places at the same time. When we stay home with children, we are going to be “sacrificing current and futures wages.” Unless we figure out how to clone ourselves and send one of us to work while our other self stays home, the end result is always going to be, not at work, no wages.
Taxing us so we can provide universal preschool, so we can work, so we can pay more taxes, so we can have pre-school, so we can work, sounds a bit like being trapped on a treadmill to nowhere. So now you have just created more women who must work due to economics. Then in a most patronizing twist, the President informs us that staying home therefore sacrificing future wages is not a choice we want Americans to make. But you have just ensured that it is a choice we are going to now be forced to make, because universal pre-school and the sacrifice of future wages!
Whether we work or not, we now get to pay the bill for the pre-school we are being provided while being constantly told that our only worth and value comes from our ability to earn current and future wages.
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Well said!
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I’m convinced of women’s role based on the Bible, so it surprises me when I encounter the abrasive views some have in connection to the things you deal with in this post, IB. As others have mentioned, the current media-favored position is that women aren’t valuable unless they are acting like men. I don’t know how it escapes the notice of feminists that this position is actually anti-feminine.
On a different note, I suspect the President’s statements are more concerned with universal preschool—getting children away from parents and under the tutelage of those who will influence those little lives in their most formative years as the liberal educational industry dictates. Ironic that the (mostly) women who run the preschools and daycares aren’t vilified the same way mothers are. I guess feeding, teaching, caring for the next generation is only a demeaning job if you do it for your own children as opposed to those of strangers.
Becky
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Thank you for your comment. It’s reassuring knowing there are other people walking around that can see how anti-feminine some of these ideas really are.
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The only thing that really matters is choice. In any relationship where children are a factor they take precedent as they require support and nurturing.
But not all women/couples want to have children.
The irony here is that for eons the fight has been about a woman’s right to seek independence on her terms and not those dictated by a patriarchal society and the stay-at-home woman was practically a given.
Even for those women who attended university and attained degrees there was a tacit understanding in most cases that it was merely to bide time until she found a husband to ”look after her” and while she worked, if her job was the same as a man’s she was invariably paid less, simply because she was a woman, and woe betide any woman who protested this ”arrangement”.
I have no idea what Obama said, but I venture that as forthright as Michelle appears and how she comes across as a fully equal partner in their marriage, it would be highly unlikely that your President set out to marginalize woman in any way whatsoever, but rather to empower them; to encourage self-reliance and self-worth and societal respect and acceptance, irrespective of whether they stay at home for their children or decide to enter the workplace.
Sadly, I believe you have got hold of the wrong end of the stick and gone and beat about the burning bush with it. Or, in this, the burning obama.
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“I believe you have got hold of the wrong end of the stick and gone and beat about the burning bush with it. Or, in this, the burning obama.”
Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but if the man is on fire, shouldn’t we at least try to at least beat the flames out? It seems rather cruel to just stand by and watch him combust 😉
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Probably best to give ‘Mo’ a shout. He knew how to deal with a burning bush. Although, that particular bush claimed he was being spoken too if memory serves?
Anyhow I imagine if Mo handled the bush he’d have no problem with an obama.
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First of all, I’d love to have to the time to look into this in more detail, because Doobster’s comment is very revealing. I can’t but think that you and your ilk are taking this completely out of context.
Secondly, we’ve discussed this kind of thing at length already, and I’ll spare you the lecture about how different things are most countries in western Europe. But I do feel very sorry for mothers in the US and it comes down to what Ark, in one of his rare serious and thoughtful comments, says above. It’s all about choice. If either mothers or fathers want to stay at home with children then hopefully they have the option to do so. But it’s just not that simple in your country because you don’t have the mechanisms to support parents make choices for the family, and often it’s clear it’s financially impossible.
Another point I’d make is that my daughter loves nursery. She gets the opportunity to learn so much, do a million different activities, and socialise with loads of different kids her age and older. I’d hate to take that away from her so she could spend all week dragging round the shops and house with a depressed and deskilled mother (unfortunately I don’t know of any stay at home mothers who truly relish day after day keeping house and entertaining kids).
We truly have the best of all worlds here – both of us get to work giving us self-development opportunities and a varied life; both of us get days of childcare giving us time to bond with our daughter; our daughter gets quality time with other kids doing activities we couldn’t dream up; and we get time together as a family. I wouldn’t change any of that for this invented “value of wife and mother” you’re rambling about. It’s about the value of functioning, developing and fulfilled family unit – each individual having choice, variety and space to grow.
Oh, and most men these days want to be more involved with their children, and this kind of outdated attitude robs them of that opportunity.
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True. I want to be involved with my kids otherwise my daughter won’t service my car. But its quid pro quo as I can cook and use the washing machine. I don’t iron though. Do NOT ask me to iron.
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LOL, my poor children once found an iron in the closet and acted as if they had made some great archaeological discovery. They honestly had never seen one and had no idea what they were even used for. When I plugged in it and tried to show them, they didn’t believe me. “That’s silly,” they declared, “why would anybody ever do that?” 😉
Well yeah, why would anybody ever do that? That’s kind of why you guys have never seen an iron before.
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Oh, I have ironed plenty in my time. My father was in the RAF ( Royal Air Force) and he did all his own ironing as a single bloke and a fair amount when he ot married. All his uniforms an dress gear.
When we were old enough we were required to iron much of our own stuff too. It was part of chores. We all did it.
You have no idea how enthusiastic us kids were to contribute part of our allowance towards a Tumble Dryer.
Shake out those warm school shirts and stick them straight on a hanger. No ironing! Yay!
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So well said. I was going to jump on those words of the President’s, as it’s a theme of my blog. But you beat me to it!
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Well said! You can usually tell the children that have stay at home mum’s – they are the well behaved well adjusted ones. A working mother to a large degree gives her children to the state – we can see the fruits of that.
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@Claire
My mother was a stay at home mum til I was twelve then she decided to go back to work.
This must explain why now, as an adult and parent I am only partially well-behaved and well-adjusted.
Drat! If only my mother had remained at home until I was 21,when I not only left home but emigrated, I would have been a fully-behaved and fully-adjusted adult.
There may still be time to save my own children. Thanks for the heads up. I shall ensure my wife resigns from work tomorrow and henceforth stays at home.
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lol! Good one! (As an ex teacher I’m speaking generalities of course. We all do what we can.)
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Generalities are sometimes dangerous and jokes aside your initial post has scathing undertones.
Look up the thread and read Violetwsip’s comment.
As i stated at the outset. It is all about choice, self respect and self-reliance.
If you believe it is your ”duty” to stay home because of culture or societal pressure then you are not exercising genuine choice, but rather bowing to some form of archaic cultural patriarchal pressure.
Bringing up kids is a humongous responsibility but it doesn’t mean your own individuality should be subsumed in the process.
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I can’t agree enough! I’ve been on both sides: college educated working woman and stay at home mom and there is no contest as to which “role” I feel best suited for. It’s so sad that the things that make us feminine, our unique abilities and qualities are being demeaned to this extent today. If a woman wants to work, more power to her, but shouldn’t feminists, by their own definition, support and celebrate women who want to and are able to stay home and raise kids if that’s their choice? Makes no sense…
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“There is a war on women being waged right now. It seeks to erase who we are as women, to replace our value as wives and mothers, with our ability to pursue wealth and careers. It seeks to rob women of our identity as the nurturers and givers of life and to change us into the providers of casual sex, a job they promise will be accommodated by providing us with free birth control and access to abortion. It’s a war that seeks to replace the role of men with the role of the state.”
I’ve never heard the argument made any more clearly than this. Excellent post!
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I work in public education. I see children who come from single family homes, two parent homes, both parents working, no parents working, one parent working, one staying at home, two moms, two dads, etc., etc. Generalizations can certainly be made about which children do well in school and in life, and why. However, I find that children do well in school and are well adjusted when they know they are loved, when their little lives are predicable, when parenting is consistent, and the adults in their lives get along, having healthy relationships.
thanks for the post and the great conversation 🙂
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Reblogged this on I Struck the Board, and cried, No more.
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Pingback: misleading discussions about generic gender roles | violetwisp
“There is a war on women being waged right now. It seeks to erase who we are as women, to replace our value as wives and mothers, with our ability to pursue wealth and careers. It seeks to rob women of our identity as the nurturers and givers of life and to change us into the providers of casual sex, a job they promise will be accommodated by providing us with free birth control and access to abortion. It’s a war that seeks to replace the role of men with the role of the state.”
I’m really a bit conflicted about how I feel about these sentiments… On the one hand, I am all about shaking my fist at increasing the “role of the state” to any degree, in any segment of society, but I guess I’m just not sure I jive with just how much you’re making it all about the male/female “roles”.
If a woman does end up working a 9-5, that doesn’t mean that she is necessarily compromising her “identity” as a woman, mother, “nurturer” etc. When woman who ARE working stoop to such a serpentine level that they take pot shots at young women raising unexpected babies, well, we should simply recognize them for the shallow folks they are who apparently need to justify their own life choices in such a negative way, and ignore their ignorant jibes. People judge others, for being in whatever opposite camp they find themselves in, it’s pretty universal…
But in the end, yes, I’d say it’s overall more about a “war on the family”, if we’re going to say there is such a “war” going on, at least, a war against the traditional understanding of family, where in the state was not expected to be the nanny-of-all-trades to “fill in all the gaps” and thus intrude into the most personal aspects of our daily lives…
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“Not long ago someone asked me, a wife, mother, grandma, “So now that the kids are grown, are you finally going to do something useful with yourself?”
Ouch. The wording seems off. Lol. I understand they may have meant well, but the wording was off.
I like this post, because it addresses a topic that always concerned me. It’s okay to have a choice, until that choice goes against what I think you should choose. Lol. They are making motherhood seem like a stain against humanity, if a woman and her partner decides she could remain home. Apparently women are fighting to have rights, until those rights begin infringing upon the feelings of other women and men with a warped perception of reality. Great post as usual
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http://saradiehl.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/trick-or-treat-its-definitely-a-trick/
I think you and Sara have a similar perspective on things. I enjoy her writing and felt I should introduce you two.
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