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Oh my goodness, what is with this sudden “plant based” craze? The other day in the grocery store I actually saw, “plant based mashed potatoes.” I guess they cost a bit more because these are the kind of mashed potatoes you don’t have to hunt and kill?

We now have, “plant based chocolate chip cookies.” See, if it comes from plants rather than animals, it must be good for you! And just like that sugar, wheat, and chocolate are all vegetables. Vegetables are healthy!

I just want everyone to know, plants have darn near killed me. True story, I have never injured my health by simply having a steak. It’s the plant based bread, the plant based mashed potatoes, and the plant based fried zucchini that has often gotten the best of me.

I just love a fancy salad! Let me tell you, I can make a salad that has four times the calories of a two Big Mac and Fries with a super sized coke. “Plant based” can be downright deadly.

Recently someone tried to tell me ranch dressing was bad for you because it is “animal based.” I kid you not, I spent ten minutes trying to figure out what animal had been rendered down to make my dressing. I finally figured it out, they meant the buttermilk. Well shoot, the buttermilk is probably the only part that’s actually good for you! In theory we should just throw the fries out and straight shot the dressing.

French fries are extremely toxic. There are so many layers of “toxic” coming at you from all directions in just one little fry, it would take about 45 minutes to explain it all on a cellular level. If you just ate the bag they came in, your body would probably have an easier time trying to process that.

No joke, when my husband is away I sneak over to the store and buy onions and mushrooms so I can saute them up in wine and butter. It’s quite pathetic and clearly a sign of having no life, but he doesn’t like mushrooms so every opportunity I get I go murder some fungi and caramelize them when he isn’t looking.

I don’t like this “plant based,” stuff especially knowing we’ve been referring to people as “vegetables” lately. To make matters worse the movie, “Soylent Green” actually takes place in the year 2022 AD. I love that line, “Soylent Green is made out of people. They’re making our food out of people. Next thing, they’ll be breeding us like cattle for food. You’ve gotta tell them!”

I think I was about 16 when I first saw that movie. Darkly humorous, but what offended me the most was the part about, “you gotta tell them.”

Whatever for??! They’re not going to listen to me! They’re not going to believe me. They’ll see me as a threat to their perception of reality. They’ll accuse me of lying and then they’ll hunt me down and persecute me. Seriously, I’d have the video footage, testimonies, Venn diagrams, expert witnesses, DNA evidence, and people would be like, sheesh, you’re such a conspiracy theorist! I can’t believe you fall for this stuff. Don’t be so ridiculous, nobody is eating people. That’s just crazy.

True story. That is exactly what would happen.

It makes complete sense that plants would be trying to kill us. If you think about it, people are actually just plant food. The sooner they can get us into the ground, the better. I can’t think of a single reason why we should trust plants.

Do you ever wonder what vegans make of the carnivorous plants? Reminds me of that saying, “you’ll eat bugs and be happy.” Sometimes I do wonder if that really is the goal, to turn us all into carnivorous, bug eating, vegetables.

It seems to be working.