Don’t ever let your own world be defined by men, and certainly not by the weight of their opinions. Don’t let women’s perceptions define you, either.
I am grieved by this Dear Darla series, I am saddened by the fact that some girls will buy the messages being sold, and will die trying to live up to them, die trying to fulfill the emotional needs of a fictional idiot. What an epic tragedy, what a theft of all that is innocent and beautiful about young women.
One of my favorite sayings is, “you aren’t the donkey whisperer.” It means those of us with good souls can have a tendency to waste far too much time trying to understand and empathize with emotionally immature, spiritually dead jackasses. You so ain’t the donkey whisperer.
Real men take responsibility for their own baggage, and sometimes they’ll even help you to carry your own. No donkey whispering needed, no long list of red pill ideologies you must obey and no intricate Venn diagrams describing the sexual market place. No hypervigilance required. No constantly walking on eggshells and chronically soothing the easily wounded male ego.
Love is easy, love is light! Read the Bible, “for my yoke is easy, my burden is light.” If it feels heavy, it’s not love. Set that load down!
My husband, bless his heart, adds a really nice complementarian balance to my perpetual patience and grace. It’s been a bit of a comical marital journey because I have an abundance of compassion and wisdom whereas my husband is less interested in such things. His advice to those he loves in nearly any given situation is, “you should just punch them in the head.”
He has a valid point.
Needless to say, I’m a peaceful sort and non violent so “punching someone in the head” can have a more metaphorical context, as in, just say “nope,” dump the extra baggage, and be assured there are many, many, many way better monkeys on the monkey tree. Just thank the Lord for His housecleaning, for the potential upgrade, and say, Next!
That goes for pastors and politicians, as well as for boyfriends. You have the same access to the Holy Spirit that any of us do. Talk to God about it, go right to the Highest Expert, and never let fools rule over you.
I know I probably bore my readers carrying on about Pastor Wilson, but here’s the deal, girls are so worth it, women have such value and purpose, we are precious to the kingdom, and messages like this tend to separate us from ourselves and even from Jesus Christ Himself. Somebody needs to stand up, somebody needs to say “no.” It really matters. Girls today probably have even less awareness of their self worth, their innate value, than women of my generation did. It just breaks my heart.
Wilson goes on to try to instill more fear, Darla, you’re in your early 20s now, so men no longer find you attractive, you’re not getting any attention, and obviously you’re going to die alone, fat and ugly. He doesn’t use those exact words but he implies it and he actually does say, “If you are forty and unmarried, is that situation to be preferred to being the wife of Bill? It is not just Bill v. John. It is also Bill v. ten years from now having yet another a glass of wine on your deck in the evening by yourself.”
Duh! Yes, being alone on your deck having a glass of wine is to be much preferred over “being the wife of Bill.” Sheesh! What a buffoon.
And poor Bill. Can you even imagine?? “I settled for Bill after weighing and measuring some other options, like potential death, dismemberment, or being alone?” Sheesh. I pray no one ever treats my son that way.
Darla, those of us in Christ are never alone. It does not matter if you are married, widowed, or single, or just alone on your deck with a bottle of wine and a dozen cats, Jesus loves you, Jesus will fulfill ALL your needs, for ALL of your life. In truth there is no greater loneliness than being surrounded by people who don’t understand you, and no more painful of a loneliness than being married to someone who has emotionally abandoned you. Worse yet, when you’ve emotionally abandoned yourself.
A bit funny, I’m rather happily married but some of the most beautiful times, the most joyous thing in my life today, are actually those stolen moments alone on my deck with no one but Jesus and a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. No offense to anyone at all, it is just that alone time is not necessarily “loneliness,” it can be the delicious blessing of solitude.
Don’t ever sacrifice the essence of who you are due to someone else’s scary tales about the alleged horror of being, “40 and alone on your deck.” I kid you not, nearly every woman over 20 that I’ve ever met, actually desires time alone. This is true of wives, moms, widows, and single women. I have never in my entire life heard a woman say, “I so wish I had just thrown away my self respect, lowered my standards, rendered myself invisible, and married Bill so I wouldn’t have to sit here alone.” Nope, not one single woman has ever told me, If only I had chained myself to that emotionally stunted, arrogant narcissist with an ego five stories higher than his IQ, so I wouldn’t have to sit here alone on my deck drinking wine.
Sheesh. What a buffoon.
Or as my husband would say, just punch them fools in the head and evict them from your world. You won’t regret it.
jsolbakken said:
My advice to men looking for a woman is first consider if she is able to respond positively to your love. Which presupposes that the man is capable of giving love. As Leonard Nimoy wrote in a poem about human growth:
I
I am
I am ready
I am ready to give
I am ready to give and to receive
I am ready to give and to receive love
My advice to a woman is to look for a man who is able to give and to receive love, do not, whatever the heck you do, be taken in by your own impulses to be attracted to money, power, status, looks, and flattery. In other words, do not be a 21st Century type of woman. Be not conformed to this world, but rather be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
What is love? Funny you should ask:
Agape (ag-ah’-pay);
Word Origin: Greek, Noun Feminine, Strong #: 26
brotherly love, affection, good will, love, benevolence
love feasts
KJV Word Usage and Count
love 86
charity 27
dear 1
charitably 1
feast of charity 1
I Corinthians 13
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
Romans 13
8 Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.
LikeLiked by 2 people
insanitybytes22 said:
Great comment! I’ve never heard that Nimoy poem, but that’s quite perfect.
I also really like the KJV definition of love as “charity.” That was once a huge revelation to me! In the modern world we love our shoes, our coffee, and “love” has become very trivial and we think “charity” is just about money or getting a tax deduction. How amazing it is to realize love is charity! We should probably put that in wedding vows, promise to be charitable towards one another. 🙂
LikeLike
jilldomschot said:
I don’t think that’s a 21st C woman you’re describing there! Attraction to money, power, status, looks, flattery is a historic problem with humans. And marriage is one of those institutions that can bring those attributes to your family line. Of course, the flattery part is deceptive, but humans aren’t that bright either.
LikeLiked by 1 person
jsolbakken said:
“21st C woman”
I think what’s happened to humanity is that our enemies, the Satanic Globalists, have managed to augment all our worst traits and impulses in order to better manipulate us. They did this with great skill using various techniques and technologies. So, while it’s true that we’ve always had these shortcomings, our enemies are able to weaponize our desires against us for their own benefit in ways that previous tyrants could not even dream of.
For example, modern pornography is well known to be far more powerful for inciting a lustful carnal mentality that the quaint archaic forms from ancient times such as Hugh Hefner’s “Playboy” magazine and his centerfolds.
There’s lots of documentation of all this but one particularly interesting take on it is provided by Professor E Michael Jones. The Globalists accuse him of being anti-semitic but I don’t think he is. I think he just has a bit of a trollish streak.
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
Something that always puzzles me, in my world I really don’t see many women attracted to money, power, wealth, and status? That would make some sense and have a certain kind of logic behind it. Instead many of the young girls I know I are attracted to the unemployed artists, unemployed guitar players, basement dwelling video gamers, and various addicts in assorted phases of addiction.
LikeLiked by 1 person
jilldomschot said:
I see that too, but I figured it was just the social plane I dwell on. I do not run in upper crust circles. The part I find interesting about our modern era is the stereotype only goes one way, that only women are hypergamous. That is possibly because we’re a country with new money, and new billionaires will buy themselves women whose only pedigree is beauty. In the more traditional historical systems, both men and women looked for as much status and income as they could reasonably hope to marry into. It usually ended up being an exchange among social equals. Depending on the time, place, and social class, that exchange could easily involve compatibility and/or romantic love. Female hypergamy, otoh, seems to be a romanticized modern concept.
LikeLiked by 1 person
jsolbakken said:
“Instead many of the young girls I know I are attracted to the unemployed artists, unemployed guitar players, basement dwelling video gamers, and various addicts in assorted phases of addiction.”
Perhaps these girls suffer from an inferiority complex, or perhaps prefer someone who is or appears to be more needy and less self sufficient.
Being rich could mean having a LearJet®, or it could just mean having a job. Depends on the individual situation.
Like the song went, if I was a carpenter, and you was a lady, etc. The song did not go, if I was a tycoon, and you was a wench.
The important part is the love part, which is a function of the moral character and emotional stability and mental attitude and spiritual state.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The Night Wind said:
TBH, the only women I know of attracted to wealth and status are sex workers. The most common complaint from normal men at all levels is that they are invisible to women while bums, losers, and bully-boys get all the attention. I think that lack of self-confidence is part of the reason here: a woman with a guy like that can appear giving and self-sacrificing while she’s also going to be free of blame anytime she leaves. IOW, she doesn’t really have to commit like she would to a decent man.
LikeLiked by 1 person
jsolbakken said:
“TBH, the only women I know of attracted to wealth and status are sex workers”
Prostitutes are attracted to money and power for different reasons. Prostitutes want the instant cash. Normal women want the sense of security and the comforts of luxury that are more indirect. Marilyn Monroe put it very simply in that movie I never actually saw, “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes,” to the effect that women are attracted to rich men the same way that men are attracted to beautiful women, i.e. it’s absolutely natural and cannot be changed to any significant extent.
LikeLike
jilldomschot said:
Alone time is more valuable than heaps of gold. It’s more valuable than almost any worldly desire. I never have enough of it. Thankfully, I’m married to someone who doesn’t need a lot of attention and who doesn’t give too much to me either. I guess when it comes to choosing a mate, there is one attribute that an individual will most need, a most valued. That’s the one that Darla shouldn’t compromise on, unless her values are screwed up. But if that’s the case, it’s probably still better if she end up alone.
LikeLiked by 2 people
insanitybytes22 said:
So true, Jill! My objection to this kind of garbage isn’t just the bad marital advice, it’s also the attempts to get us to fear being alone, perhaps even to make that into some kind of shameful thing. Well, Jesus often went off alone to spend time with the Father and I think we should follow His example.
Also, I find it rather creepy that Wilson said, “You are in your mid-twenties now, and so you may have noticed that requests to go out with guys are starting to taper off.” While it is true that men who want to have babies are more likely to be drawn towards women of child bearing age, implying that a 22 year old is now over the hill, no longer desirable, is just skeevy. Compared to what, a 14 year old?
LikeLiked by 1 person
jilldomschot said:
And does the average Darla have clusters of boys hanging around? Maybe Darla is super attractive. I don’t know. I just don’t remember clusters of boys ever hovering around and having to choose between Harry, Jack, and Ronald. I thought that only happened in the rom coms that men like Mr. Wilson eschew as being unrealistic.
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
Ha! Good point about that only happening in rom/coms. The idea of women sitting around trying to rate a group of men in order to choose the highest ranking one, really does sound like a very male dominated point of view. LOL! I suspect a lot of men might think they are engaged in some kind of a competition and the real tragedy is that most women aren’t even paying any attention.
LikeLike
Barabbas Me said:
Doug Wilson? That was the first mistake listening to or even asking him for advice on marriage and singleness. Seek the Lord. Be satisfied with Him and in yourself first. Marriage isn’t two halves making a whole. It’s about two whole and mature and complete persons coming together to make a New Unified Person called a marriage. One in Him, One in Each other. An elder at a church I went to years ago told me when I was going thru my discontented “I ain’t got no partner… I wanna get married too” phase. He said “it’s better to be single than to wish you were”. Contentment and focusing on the here and now is the key. If you wake up to a day that was never promised anyway and you are single, then God’s will for you today is to be a single servant today. “Be glad and rejoice” in that. You have great value. Don’t worry about “but I NEED a man” or “I just NEED a woman”. You aren’t Jerry Maguire. Only God “completes” you. Trust His timing, ways and wisdom. And please… stop asking Doug freakin’ Wilson for advice… sheesh!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
LOL! Amen, amen, amen! Only Christ completes us and only He brings contentment.
Unfortunately Wilson has a platform and some influence, and so people turn to him. Those of us who are more sensible and less bombastic need to raise our voices and let people know there is another way, a better way.
LikeLike
jilldomschot said:
I’m sure nobody is asking for his advice. That’s why he has to couch it as a fictional letter on his blog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sara's Musings said:
I just turned 70 over a month ago. I’m single (as in never married), not a lesbian (as some over my lifetime have assumed as I got older and I was still “not married”. Cinderella stories have been fed to women for centuries so that is actually nothing new, but I can honestly say in looking back over my life that it was not intentional on my part that I stayed single. In fact, I always thought I would eventually marry, but after some rather dismal dating prospects during my younger years (I was engaged twice but I wasn’t “in love” with either and called it off both times–the second time it was five weeks before the wedding was to take place), I gave up on “dating” at the age of 52 after two experiences with online dating that turned out to be worse then anyone I had dated in my younger years. BTW, I have never been a fan of “women’s liberation” (e.g., I don’t hate men and I never have), but being treated as equals would be nice. I’m not sure that will ever happen except on a personal one-on-one basis.
My parents divorced in the mid-1960’s when I was 12 back when divorce was rare. My mom married at 19 so she had no work skills to support herself or us kids except for the minimum wage jobs she found, and her health took a turn for the worse after their divorce when she acquired diabetes at the age of 36, and it ended up taking her life at the age of 54 (I was 30 when she died). I had two brothers (one older and one younger), and since I was the only girl, I never wanted to end up like Mom so I had a natural fear of what a bad marriage could do to a woman with no work skills and with kids to raise. To this day I don’t like looking back at those years.
I read Wilson’s post that you linked to in your post, and I remember how the church I grew up in was very much like what he describes when it comes to women. The hardest thing about growing up in the church was how, as a female, it seems we were somehow second class citizens at the beck and call of men and society-at-large. Being an unmarried woman at the age of 40 was a curse (think of the terms “spinster,” “old maid” with cats, etc.), but an unmarried man at the age of 40 was “a real catch,” a “bachelor,” and “in his prime”. Even today, men who are older, say 70, and who have never been married do not live with the same stigma women live with who are single (as in “never married” single) beginning around the age of 40 for women, let alone 70. I could write a book, but I won’t as it wouldn’t come close to making the NY Times bestsellers list… 🙂
Well anyway, as I mentioned above, it was never my intention to stay single all of my life (at least so far at the age of 70). I will say I would much rather sit on a balcony (or deck) alone then married to the wrong man. Back when I was approaching 30, I remember other single women my age at church feeling “desperate” at their “single” status, and some married any guy who asked them just to be married. I almost did that myself with the second guy I almost married when I was 30, but to this day I am grateful that I did not marry him. In my opinion, being married to the wrong man is worse then being single. And regardless of how society might still feel about old unmarried women (and the stigma is still very much alive out there), I’d still rather be single then to be married to the wrong man.
LikeLiked by 1 person
jsolbakken said:
As a man I must be superior to women because when I tell you to get in to the life boat without me I expect you to obey me, if you rebel I will gently knock you out and tenderly toss you in to it.
LikeLike
Sara's Musings said:
You wouldn’t have to knock me out to get into a life boat… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sara's Musings said:
Oops, I left a word out of my last reply and I’m adding a few more. It should read “You wouldn’t have to knock me out to get me into a life boat with or without you… 🙂 🙂 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
Great comment, Sara. Your story about your mom is a familiar one. So many women have found themselves in that same situation, struggling to take care of themselves and their kids with very few skills and little opportunity. It’s not just divorce, but also things like war, disability, health issues, being widowed.
It would be quite lovely if churches like Wilson’s would simply perceive women as actual whole people, as beloved sisters, daughters, mothers, and not as defective units or second class citizens.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Roland Ledoux said:
I loved it!
“That goes for pastors and politicians, as well as for boyfriends. You have the same access to the Holy Spirit that any of us do. Talk to God about it, go right to the Highest Expert, and never let fools rule over you.”
I love this quote of yours too! All I can say is right on target! For years I have told others that if God can speak to someone for or about you, He can and most assuredly speak to YOU! Too many are willing to listen to others rather than tuning their ears to our Heavenly Father when what He truly desires is that all precious one-on-one relationship. Yes God can speak to others on your behalf, but when He does it is meant for a confirmation for what He has already been speaking to you about!
I love the whole premise of your article. Oh and by the way, it seems your hubby and you are exact opposites of my wife and I. She loves the Lord but hates stupidity (not ignorance, just stupid) and her first thought is “whack them up side of the head!” When I read that about your hubby I couldn’t stop laughing! God surely does have a sense of humor!! But then, that’s why my wife and I are such a good balance as I must assume you and your spouse are!! Thanks Sis for another great message!! 🙂 👍💗🕊📖😇
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
Ha! I really do think there is some wisdom behind the old adage about how “opposites attract.” Many times I’ve looked at my husband and thought, well now, that’s totally wrong, but still a really nice balance for my tendency to wander too far off the road in the other direction. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Tricia said:
Alone time and holding on to your identity as an individual really is important, whether married or single.
I married later in life at 51 so was already pretty well established with”me time”. Luckily my husband shares the same view of its importance, it’s definitely made for a good marriage!
LikeLiked by 3 people
insanitybytes22 said:
Amen! I think marriage later in life, whether you started there or worked your way there eventually, can be really, really good! A big part of that really is related to having the ability to understand your identity as an individual and being comfortable about being alone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
irtfyblog said:
IB, Great rebuttal!!!
I just want to say that I can name four women who are devout Christians, who married in their late 20’s, and not one of them loved the man they married; and when I asked each of them why they were getting married to the men who proposed, all three had the same answer. . . “No one else is asking.”
It’s been over 25 years since the last of the three got married, but their words still resonate with me. I have since lost touch with those women, but still shake my head every time I think about their answer, and I wonder how their marriages ended up.
Maybe they “learned” or “forced” themselves to love the men they married…I don’t know. Regardless, I think it’s very common for young women to marry a “john” or “bill” or “steve” or whomever, just because that man asked; and maybe that comes as a shock, perhaps not, but I’ve found that a lot of young women didn’t marry for love. They married because of convenience or the appetite to be married because their friends and family are getting married. Worst of all…they marry someone they don’t love because they fear dying alone. Sadly, a lot of these young women – and men – don’t understand the ups and downs that come with relationships, and they refuse to acknowledge that the person they marry might have a mental health issue or a drinking, drug or gambling problem that won’t come to light until months or years after they said, “I do”.
Furthermore, I fault churches for creating a dynamic that segregates by a current “life group” status. Things like: “married”. “empty nesters”. “single”. “college aged”. “multigenerational” (whatever that is), etc. . . are all meant to stigmatize and create division within the body. I think churches would be wise to eliminate the segregation of life groups, but that’s just my opinion.
There’s so much more I want to say, but I’m getting on my soapbox, so I best end this comment now. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
insanitybytes22 said:
Great comment!
I am totally with you on not segregating church, not dividing us into so many silly, little groups. A lot of people don’t agree with me, but I include gender in that. There’s nothing wrong with having a women’s group or a men’s meeting, but when you bring them together to talk about life issues and different perspectives, a whole lot of healing can happen.
So sad, one doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the idea of getting married because “no one else was asking” or “you were the last man on earth.” That makes for a good story in a science fiction tale about repopulating the Earth, but it’s really kind of hurtful in real life.
LikeLiked by 1 person
irtfyblog said:
Oh yes!! I agree One Million Percent with you about the men’s and women’s groups and not segregating based on gender either. A lot of people in churches just don’t have a clue anymore. I actually got into a heated discussion about this very topic once with a wife of a pastor at a church I attended years ago. Her argument was that she felt more liberated to share while in an all-women’s group rather than a mixed-gender group…to which I replied… “So, in the first couple chapters of the book of Acts we see a divided and segregated church based on gender and status of life, right?” and continued to share my belief that a lot of healing would be accomplished in the church family if we all learned to trust one another, but to do that we need to come together and stop dividing . . . let’s just say we agreed to disagree on the topic. 🙂
Also, the four women I mentioned were very attractive, kind, loving, college educated and had careers in the medical field.
Sometimes, when I think back on my conversations with each of them, I tend to wonder if they were secretly attracted to me or a friend of mine but were too shy to say anything and feared being rejected. I guess I’ll never know.
Also…you might be on to something…that would be a good Sci-fi story! You should work on that screenplay.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The Night Wind said:
One thing that I’ve noticed about these Red Pills in general is that none of what they write about seems to based on any actual contact with real-world relationships. I still remember Heartiste getting hooted across the internet once when he tried to teach men how to please a woman sexually and he left everybody wondering whether he actually knew what female privates looked like. Or Rollo Tomassi boasting that PUAs had contributed more to human knowledge about the nature of women than psychologists had. The only one of these guys I know who actually has a model Red Pill marriage that he advertises is Owen Benjamin. Any woman considering advice from Wilson ought to watch a few vids of Owen’s Happy Home life and think really hard about whether being a Red Pilled Wife is a future she really wants. It ought to make her question too if that kind of life really is God’s Will as Wilson claims.
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
Very true! What really struck me about some of the loudest red pills was not what a great time they were having, but how deeply lonely they were. It was really painful to watch. As if to confirm my observations, I recently listened to this podcast, couple of guys recovering from that mindset discussing hook up culture and pick up artistry and how terribly lonely it really was. It’s always the same routine, there’s no human connection, and eventually nihilism just sets in.
A few weeks back Wilson wrote another post that was basically telling men don’t share your heart, don’t risk intimacy, don’t create any kind of emotional bond or she won’t respect you anymore. So this guy is just supposed to marry someone he has to wear a mask around for the rest of his life, so his wife never finds out who he really is and rejects him. That was just sad.
LikeLike
jsolbakken said:
“What really struck me about some of the loudest red pills was not what a great time they were having, but how deeply lonely they were.”
Yes, absolutely, because God said the truth when He said that it was not good for man to be alone. What went wrong is that God’s design for marriage got twisted by enemies.
What you might want to ponder is why people, both men and women, would prefer loneliness to relationships. For me, it is because I don’t like the look of the Sword of Damocles that hangs over my head if I opted for relationship. Sure, it might never fall, perhaps it is unlikely to fall, but its significance is not that it falls, but that it hangs.
If society were willing to make the Sword smaller and less sharp, it would change things. But God’s enemies made the Sword huge, and like a razor, and put poison on it just for good measure. So, that’s why I say, no thanks, I’d rather be lonely.
Perhaps you recall what Robin Williams said about the issue, that it was worse to be around people who made you feel even more lonely that you’d be feeling otherwise. So, it’s all relative, is it not?
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
Well, I don’t believe that the opposite of relationships is loneliness. Many people in relationships are lonely and many people not in relationships are not lonely. So it’s a false equivalency to say one must chose either loneliness or relationships.
As for your Sword of Damocles, it will fall, it comes down on everyone at some point. We’re all going to get rejected, hurt and emotionally beat up, hopefully not from a spouse, but being crushed is a given in life. Rather than trying to fix society, I think we need to ask ourselves why are all so fragile, why we all are so risk adverse, why we are suddenly so obsessed with safety? It is not protecting ourselves that keeps us safe, it’s knowing that we have the immunity to expose ourselves and survive that makes us strong.
LikeLike
jsolbakken said:
Risk is generally a subjective concept, without one simple answer. Some people think that skate boarding, hang gliding, sky diving, and running with the bulls in Spain are worth the risk compared to the reward. Others, not so much.
It’s not reasonable to suppose that someone who elects to eschew marriage is driven by abject irrational fear, the issue is more complex than that. And it’s not a matter of fixing all of our sick and sad society, it might be a matter of improving the laws surrounding marriage at the margins and that might allow more to be willing to take the risk than are willing at the present time.
People now demand the right to get divorced, which I can accept. I think though that one change to the current regime could be that the one who cancels the marriage without proper cause should walk away with nothing. The way it is now it’s like if someone buys a house but then refuses to pay the mortgage yet gets to keep the house.
There’s a reason the saying has come along that says, don’t bother getting married, just find someone who hates your guts and buy them a house.
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
You are right, “risk is a subjective concept without one simple answer.” I was thinking in very broad terms however, not just regarding marriage, but all relationships, the way people today don’t even want to risk being exposed to germs. Everything needs to be made “safe” for us and that now has profound emotional implications. Right off the bat it implies that everybody is not safe and they’re all out to get you. So now we need more laws, more regulations, and we presume nobody can be self regulated. Now we need Big government to step in, monitor, and take care of us. As a result, the Gov now regulates marriages and divorce, too.
LikeLike
The Night Wind said:
I came across this article recently and to me it was a really a sad commentary on the state of men in America today.
https://damesthatknow.com/15-complaints-modern-women-have-about-dating-and-men-in-2022/
Notice too that despite what Red Pills say, modern women don’t seem overly impressed with Alpha-Male posing any more than they are with weak men.
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
Oh yes, she did come up with a pretty good list! I hear some similar things.
I think unhealed trauma is a huge one. We have a lot of boys growing up in unstable circumstance, broken homes, but we’ve also still got the old fashioned notion that men should be stoics, just walk it off and get over it.
LikeLike
jsolbakken said:
Owen Benjamin is an interesting guy, but I’d be careful taking his advice any more seriously than the other, perhaps more obvious, grifters like Rollo Tomassi.
Since I was MGTOW for decades before it got the name, I’m confident in stating what I think it’s really about, which can be understood if you consider that the significance of the Sword of Damocles is that it hangs, not that it falls.
LikeLike
Citizen Tom said:
I don’t think Pastor Wilson advice is of much help. Biblical? Don’t think so.
We need other people. As the story of Adam and Eve attests, most of us need the opposite sex, but it is best to wait until we are married to have sex. I doubt the arranged marriages of the past were as irrational as we tend to think today. They did get things settled, and they obligated the extended families to help make the matches work.
Contrary to Post Christian conventional wisdom, test runs are more likely to mess things up than help. But we experiment — we sin — and I suspect that has as much to do with young people waiting too long to marry as being picky. I think experimentation also contributes to marital instability.
How does a lady decide which guy? Guys are not picky? Only ladies? The real issue for a woman is which guy she loves and trusts enough to have a child with him. If a guy is unwilling humble himself and give chase, that is probably not a good sign. Beyond that I don’t have much advice. As I see it, the role of a father is to help his daughters understand what they should look for in a man. Similarly, mothers should strive to model what their sons should seek in a woman. It is our example as parents, not the advice of pastors that matters most, and we need God’s help (as parents), not Pastor Wilson’s odd advice, to provide a good example.
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
I’m with you Tom, on thinking young people these days wait too long to get married. Also, they need to be around good examples, their parents yes, but I mean we need to see some healthy relationships happening out in the culture. Hollywood has spent years selling us complete dysfunction as entertainment, as celebrity. Even the common statistic about how “half of all marriages end in divorce” is a lie, a deception, but we tend to believe it as if it were a hard fact.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Citizen Tom said:
Half of all marriages don’t end in divorce? I suppose that is because the people doing all the divorcing marry multiple times.
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
Yep, very true, Tom. “There are lies, darned lies and statistics.” My old neighbors, nice people, had five divorces each, so that would be counted as 10 failed marriages. A person with a marriage that works out the first time can only be counted once.
LikeLiked by 1 person
HAT said:
For most of human history in many (most?) cultures, including the Biblical ones, marriages were arranged by parents. Love was something people wished and prayed for, or figured they would work at. We have luxurious problems.
The demographics of the contemporary Christian community in the US are that all women will not get married. Not unless we bring back polygamy. Preparing women to think that only marriage and a bio family of their own is the only fully satisfying vocation in the face of that reality is nothing other than denial. Which was not a Christian virtue last time I checked.
LikeLiked by 1 person
insanitybytes22 said:
Exactly. In Isaiah 54 it actually tells barren women to sing and rejoice, you have many more children then someone with a husband. That’s a paraphrase, but that’s the essence of it. We are all spiritual mother’s of some kind and the fruit women produce is not solely biological children. It’s pretty neat that the Bible took note of that truth thousands of years ago.
LikeLiked by 1 person