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Have a laugh with me, I was out secretly stashing a Jesus rock in the shrubbery when this guy came by and informed me he hated religious people. I was like, “Me too! Totally. So did Jesus.” It was comical because he did not see the rock in my hand and so he had no idea I was actually a, “religious people.” It was also comical because I wasn’t even being snarky, that’s where my heart was, too.

Gah, I can hardly abide religious people, myself.

To understand we first need to look at the definition of that word “religious.” The first definition is, “Having or showing belief in and reverence for God or a deity,” but it’s the third definition, the last one that really gets to the meat of the matter. “Extremely scrupulous or conscientious.“

Oh my goodness, is that not like nails on a chalkboard? A root canal?? Bless their little hearts, aren’t they just so precious?? See, right here in the 9th circuit of hell, in a county with one of the highest rates of non belief in the entire country, I am surrounded on all sides by religious people. Militant religious people. Extremely self righteous and downright scrupulous hypocrites, I tell ya.

Lady in the grocery store actually chewed me out for my egg bigotry the other day. We sold out of cheap white eggs and I was like, “darn there’s no eggs!” She came flying down the aisle to make sure I knew I was discriminating against the lonely and oppressed brown eggs. I was too! For crying out loud, they were 8 dollars a dozen, all hand massaged out of a chicken by the farmer’s virgin daughters.

You need to understand how confused I was. The phrase “egg bigotry” didn’t even come to me until later. At the time I was just standing there watching her face go all red and this little vein in her neck throb. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out what she was so agitated about or why she had swallowed a lemon. Also, her words made no sense, which caused her to demand to know if I spoke English, which just sent me down another rabbit hole of trying to figure out if she was really implying brown people who don’t speak English are stupid? And what in the world does this have to do with eggs??

So you see, I can be a bit slow on the uptake. On the other hand, she never did find out if I spoke English or not, so perhaps that’s a hidden blessing.

Being “conscientious” used to be a good thing, but people’s self righteousness has just gone too far, and now we’re just like a bunch of karens in a candy store who can’t wait to report you to the management. It’s the epitome of hypocritical, self righteous, religious bullying.

By the way, my Management is awesome. Report me, I dare ya.

I kid you not, the other day I ducked under a wet Ukrainian flag and walked right into a Pride flag, before bumping into this horrified woman wearing 3 masks and trying to social distance. The looks of sheer disgust coming at me from all sides made me wonder if I was just supposed to just start leaving the house ringing a bell and yelling unclean, unclean!

Next time I need eggs I will go out in the middle of the night and poach some from some actual hens.

I can think of a lot of other words for “religious” too, some that even have more than four letters in them, but “full of yourself” comes to mind. Self important. Snobby. Persnickety. Prissy. Proper. Self righteous. Judgy. Arrogant. Hypocrites. Pits of vipers. White washed tombs.

So you see, it’s very, very religious where I live.

It’s kind of good in a way, it’s like a giant laboratory full of rats. You can duplicate this experiment to your heart’s content or until you throw up, whichever comes first. I mean, clearly you can take away Jesus, take away the church, fill your political places with nothing but woke people, and you will still have religious people walking around on your planet oppressing others with their small minded shaming tactics and perpetual thirst for power and control. This is not symptomatic of “religion,” this is symptomatic of human nature.

Some of the most religious people I know are actually atheists.

I fully repent of any “extremely scrupulous or conscientious” tendencies that might make me sound like I just swallowed a lemon. Of course without “religion” I really have no logical argument for why it matters one way or another.