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There’s a light mist hovering over the waters today, blanketing the jungle, and in the interest of science I am once again compelled to risk my life observing the beast in his natural habitat. If this could be accomplished in a lab somewhere, preferably with a case of conveniently located tranquilizer darts, I’d feel more  comfortable, but sacrifices must be made.

Today I am observing the species’ behavior in interpersonal relationships, particularly  marriage. How, you may ask, can I maintain my scientific objectivity and collect  this data, due to the fact that I am also part of the equation? Well, you see, the test  subject is so bossy, I am quite able to remain an innocent bystander.

I-n-n-o-c-e-n-t.

In fact, I’m not even required to participate in our own disagreements. This allows me the  freedom to observe my own arguments as an uninvolved third party. The test subject has mastered the art of debate by standing in for the opposition, therefore controlling both sides of the argument. Very clever, if I do say so myself.

It goes something like this,

“Are you speaking to me?”
“No, I’m speaking FOR you.”
“What??”
“I’m saying what you would say.”
“Are you arguing with me…all by yourself?”
“It’s not an argument, I’m just saying what you would say and you’re wrong.”
“How can you possibly know I’m wrong when you haven’t even heard what I have to say?”
“I know how you think.”
“I don’t even know how I think. In fact, I don’t even know what we’re talking about.”
“I do.”
“Aren’t you being a bit irrational?”
“I’m not trying to be rational.”

I have to pause here, this is actually one of hubby’s more endearing qualities. He never pretends to be rational when he’s not, you know, even trying to be rational.

Clearly the beast has won his own argument with his own self, because he’s now smirking. Naturally my scientific brain starts running towards the next experiment and I ask, “What’s to stop me from having my own argument with you?”

“Nothing.”
“Well then, maybe I’ll do it and answer for you this time.”
“You can if you want, but you won’t win.”
“What?? How can I possibly not win my own argument?”
“You’re too smart.”
“What? I’m too smart to win….an imaginary argument……with an imaginary opponent…… over a subject I am completely clueless about……”

Oh good grief, he’s right. I really am too smart for this. While he’s busy making up with his imaginary wife, I think I’ll go find that box of tranquilizer darts.

 

 

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