Portlandia can be disturbing, but they crack me up sometimes. This clip, this preview, called “I’m Not Bad, Right?” did not disappoint, in fact it’s pretty profound.
Click to watch it, it’s brief and somewhat funny, but basically this lady in a lawyer firm finally makes partner, the only lady, and she proceeds to try to communicate with the guys, all who must now be emotionally reassured, nurtured, comforted, told they aren’t bad.
Mothered.
It struck me as comical because this is something that happens quite often when we flip gender roles around and sow confusion. I’ve seen it, I’ve even done it myself. It’s funny because women, especially feminists, often don’t recognize it and we should because we’re smarter than that.
You simply cannot be “one of the guys” and a woman at the same time, one who enjoys the female privilege of…..not being “one of the guys.” You cannot be a powerful mothering avatar either, bound and determined to teach these guys something, without winding up with a pack of emotional dependents you didn’t even give birth too. You also cannot be cutesy, desiring male approval, without also inviting it and than feeling oddly disrespected, whether they remember to notice your eyes or not.
It’s quite the dilemma and a bit comical if you can just sit back detached and watch it all go down in front of you. I’ve sat through a few of these experiences and thought, “oh great, now the clowns really are running the asylum.”
Biology matters. I say that all the time and this is a biology blog after all, so obviously observing how culture, especially feminism, attempts to totally disregard biology while endlessly trying to pound a square peg into a round hole is my thing. Sometimes this disconnect makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me cry, but mostly it makes me think I’m trapped on a penal colony run by crazy people.
This clip struck a nerve with me because I am a recovered codependent with that powerful mothering urge going on too, so I empathize. I actually took it to a whole new level myself, so rather than even bothering to try to explain what’s going on with me, I’m five steps ahead of the game, I already see the “clean upon aisle six” that is coming just as soon as I totally overwhelm you with the truth of my experience. Then not only will I get to deal with my own emotions and stress, I’ll get to clean up all yours, too. Yay me.
I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Just as fine as can be.
That is how you trap yourself in a prison of your own making and start feeling bitter about the people around you and all these totally one sided-relationships you seem to be stuck in. Obviously what needs to change is the whole entire rest of the world ……and not you.
I mentioned this clip for another reason too, we people are not very good at multi- tasking our relationships. Our roles matter. Roles may shift and change a bit, but they cannot go in two directions at once, nor can they change hourly. A somewhat humorous consequence of our Portlandia lady’s confusion, is that she has completely destroyed all attraction cues between the sexes. Observe her face in this clip, she’s totally disgusted by all these weak men with so much emotional baggage, and they’re all rather scared and intimidated by her. Everybody is now insecure and unhappy.
If we take that same dynamic into marriage with us, it just sows havoc too. I get myself into trouble sometimes trying to speak of biblical gender roles, but there’s some real wisdom to be found there. Our emotional well being, our romantic well being, our relational well being, revolves around our ability to work within our own biological framework, something the bible has been whispering to us for thousands of years.
If you want to know what it looks like when you try to resist that whisper, well, just watch Portlandia.
See, there's this thing called biology... 
And this is what happens when everyone attempts to be a mother. Oh yes, they are mothers alright, but another different breed of mother altogether.
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Ahh yes, nothing wrong with a bit of mothering, but then there’s the mothering that is all about power and control. Good if you’re trying to get a bunch of small kids across the street, not so good when dealing with grown up men. 🙂
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That ‘mothering’ vibe didn’t even occur to me.
It’s fascinating how two people can watch the same clip and have such different takes on it.
The tragicomic thing to me was that those guys were congratulating themselves on having their first female partner after 17 years (really? In 17 years you never found ONE qualified woman?) – and just kept on going making it ALL about themselves.
“Do your speech!”
*woman starts*
“But no ME, right?”
*woman reassures, tries again*
“But not ME, right?”
…
and then SHE gets to apologize for making a poor fragile ego on the phone uncomfortable. *facepalm*
I’d be disgusted, too. By this passive-aggressive BS of men who don’t know how to exist outside a world where you either intimidate or are intimidated. Who STILL have to make it all about themselves.
“You simply cannot be “one of the guys” and a woman at the same time, one who enjoys the female privilege of…..not being “one of the guys”
You can. It’s called balance and mutual respect.
I work in a male dominated environment. There are still people who think I shouldn’t be allowed to be in this profession in the first place due to my internal plumbing. No matter how good I am at what I do. Never mind my biology even gives me certain advantages.
The guys I work with directly however have few such hangups. At the job, we DO the job. Male, female, transwhatever if we had one.
During downtime – well, it IS male dominated. So the girls adapt, and don’t get bent out of shape over burps and sports talk and discreet scratching of midsections. The guys in turn refrain from being d*ckwads most of the time, and when they ARE they don’t get bent out of shape when they catch an elbow in the ribs in response.
Outside my unit not all women have that. But it’s not due to them being rabid feminists. Or wanting ‘female privilege’.
“…is that she has completely destroyed all attraction cues between the sexes”
SHE has? By wanting to do the job she is qualified for? Why are attraction cues needed at work in the first place? Are they required in purely male workplaces?
“[…] and they’re all rather scared and intimidated by her. Everybody is now insecure and unhappy.”
Well, she had to put up with it for 17 years, right? That rather limits my compassion in this case.
Radical notion: If you’re a good guy, what are you worried about? If you MUST ask “I’m not bad, right?”, it implies you’re not sure.
On a more lighthearted note: I occasionally DO intimidate the living daylight out of poor young males. First clue: They’d NEVER interrupt me when I’m talking. Not even to ask “I’m not bad, right?”
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” I occasionally DO intimidate the living daylight out of poor young males.”
Me too sometimes! I can actually be quite intimidating, a fact I find rather funny, because it’s so out of character, it’s not my heart. The problem being that’s actually abuse.
Reverse the genders and think about a woman having the living daylights scared out of her, so much so she KNOWS not even to try to interrupt. Silenced. Powerless. Intimidated. Now it’s not so fun, it’s actually cruel and oppressive, the behavior of a bully really.
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I would tend to agree in principle, IB, with a few caveats.
The first one here being context. When, for example, I’m teaching a class with 15 young, testosterone-laden soldiers, I can’t afford to project anything less than alpha-she-wolf authority. Nor can I tolerate any shenanigans.
The smart ones want to learn, and are respectful of rank and experience. Some young bucks however need to be snapped out of their posturing. But fear not, if they survived their Drill Sergeants, I will hardly scar them for life by making them sit and shut up 😉
Similarly, when actual danger to life and limb is in play, I have NO problem with intimidating seven kinds of daylight out of anyone if that’s what it takes to keep them from being stupid and getting hurt. Though in those cases I obviously get no silent amusement out of it.
“Reverse the genders and think about a woman having the living daylights scared out of her…”
Mmmhhh context again. As well as probability.
By and large, males have the physical advantage in one-on-one confrontations.
A lone female intimidating four young, strapping, unruly soldiers EACH of whom could either overpower her or at least give her a good run for it (strength and enthusiasm vs fitness and experience) … has a humorous edge to it.
Turn it around and picture a grown male who COULD severely harm smaller, less well trained/experienced women … not so funny. Especially since said women are rather unlikely to challenge his authority in the first place.
In a civilian setting, how often do you find a man frightened of a woman inflicting physical harm if he doesn’t comply? How much more likely is YOUR scenario with the silenced woman to occur?
But to (hopefully) put your mind at ease: I’m not hurting the lads. I’m not acting out of malice (even when they are testing my patience), nor do I go on silly power trips (I have no time for such foolishness). But neither will I coddle them, or indulge bad behavior.
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“But to (hopefully) put your mind at ease”
LOL! Sorry, didn’t mean to imply you were abusing any young lads. I was trying to speak in more general terms.
“In a civilian setting, how often do you find a man frightened of a woman inflicting physical harm if he doesn’t comply?”
Surprisingly often, with the added complication of feeling as if the system is against them, so they can’t fight back, they can’t defend themselves,and they are often concerned about being falsely accused. This little parody of “I’m not bad, right” kind of captures an aspect of psychological abuse we don’t often recognize. For the most part, men wish to be pleasing to females, so to be labeled “bad” can really be kind of intimidating. What do we often do to the men we label “bad”? Fire them, put them in prison, shoot them? Those may be imaginary fears or hyperbole, but emotionally those things carry a lot of weight.
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uhhhh….I’m not speaking for the others because I don’t know any of the others…well, you either for that matter because we have never technically met. So, answer me this. “I’m not bad, am I?”
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Ha! Funny, Patrick. 🙂
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Ha! Funny video. Good points. I think the problem is that many males were never weaned from their mother. Yup, we’re that sad. 🙂
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Nope, you are not bad buddy 🙂
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