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co-dependency, dying to self, faith, healing, insanitybytes22, life, love, opinion, people pleasers
“You just need to get along better with people.” Boy, them there are some real trigger words for most victims of abuse, exploitation, or for the people pleasers and co-dependents among us. I’ve heard them a few times in my life too, at very inappropriate times, totally victim blaming and out of context.
They are words devoid of justice, devoid of protection, that reveal a complete lack of awareness over power differentials. Bit like telling the victim of a robbery they just need to learn how to get along with burglars better.
Sometimes very liberal people will say things like, “can’t we all just get along” and Christians will say things like, “we have to love our enemies and turn the other cheek.” While those are sweet words and quite appropriate in context, they are not the answer to every given conflict. Not all spats are conflicts between equals and not all conflicts are bad. In fact, conflict can be very healthy and necessary.
You probably can’t tell from my blogging, which can sound strident sometimes, but IB was born a co-dependent extraordinaire. That’s no joke, a “lay down in the railroad tracks and die for you” co-dependent. A, “sure I’ll be happy to sit in the car and keep the engine going while you run into the bank with a mask on,” co-dependent. A “my very existence is all about you and my only regret is that I now seem to have no self to lay down anymore” co-dependent.
I am extremely lucky to still be alive. I come from some dark and dangerous places. It took the Lord some 20 years to pry me out of that bondage, to free me of those chains, and He is right there should I ever slip back into those old patterns of behavior.
A co-dependent extraordinaire.
God bless my husband too, he knows me well. He has never suggested I “just need to get along with people better.” All in good humor here, but he has often suggested I need cut some people loose and to punch a few others in the head. He’s almost always right, too. I have come to trust his wisdom and to realize that he sometimes sees things I cannot.
I mention this because I want people to know there is a huge difference between dying to self for the Lord and dying to self for another person. Dying to self for another person is actually a form of idolatry, of people worship. I have seen cultians, New Age spiritualists, and even a handful of Christians, pervert this concept in order to manipulate, abuse, and control people.
It’s a sticky wicket because it can get all convoluted. Basically if anyone ever suggests you need to die to self, change who you are, relinquish yourself in order to be worthy of being friends with them, you got an issue and you need some new friends, stat. Real friends will accept you as you are. Real leaders will always point you to Jesus Christ and not to themselves.
A couple of bible verses that have really helped me, Exodus 20:3, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” Including thy drunken uncle, thy dysfunctional relatives, thy abusive spouse, thy exploitative employer.
Luke 9:60, “Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God.” We have a calling, a job to do. It can be painful to walk away, in fact, I’m really bad at it, but there is a time to just let the dead bury the dead.
Matthew 10:27, “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” Those are some hard words, some strong meat, but nothing and nobody should ever come before our own relationship with the Lord.
Luke 9:23, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” All in good humor here, but that would be HIS cross or YOUR cross and not a cross belonging to someone else. We are not called to forever carry someone else’s cross for them. Jesus is the One who paid their ransom and they can take up His burden, it is light.
I realize there probably are a few people in the world who are not givers, not people pleasers, not co-dependents, people who genuinely need to soften their heart, show a little kindness, exchange some ego for some empathy. However, it’s not arrogance, ego, or pride that suggests I am so rarely one of those people, it is praise for the Lord’s good work, it is rejoicing because He has taught me so well where I end and another begins, it is the sheer delight that comes from having been rescued, redeemed, from being so lovingly led to take the next exit off what could have so clearly been the highway to hell.
It is dying to self for Him, that has left me totally, delightfully, cheerfully imperfect.
I totally despise control freak men.. really, truly… I mean, the way they treat women. It sounds like you’ve been a victim of at least one, if not many. Having said that, there are many women who do admire that trait in “their” men (especially in the sexual context; you would not believe how much of THAT is out there) and that’s fine if you are happy in what you’re getting into. But if a woman has been “snared” into a marriage or relationship (“I didn’t know he was like that until after we got married.”, kinda thing) it’s gotta be hell. I have met so many victims of that kind of abuse… (my current GF is one such victim, and I love her in spite of some of that baggage spilling onto me from time to time).
One of the traits I’ve had to temper over the years in my own emotional sense is that by nature I am a “protector”… which is far different than control freak or a possessor. It is also far different than being “protective”. It also goes beyond just my female relationships… as I have a sense constantly at play looking around (subliminally) to check on the safety of others around me. But by far… my own thought when someone shares their story of abuse with me… “I wish I had been there for you when it mattered most to have kept you from suffering.”
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You’re quite right, there are some control freak men out there and some women do tend to get their wires crossed. We could write a whole book on sexual attraction gone wrong. I was not too vulnerable to that, I tend to pick up the lost, the victims,the sad ones in need of rescuing,both men and women.
Love that protection thing you got going on there, “I wish I’d been there for you when it mattered most….” That’s very kind,a very traditional guy thing.
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Not sure if you’re a Trekkie of the first series.. but metaphorically speaking, I am reminded of the episode, “The Empath”. That’s me.
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Yep, I’m a Trekkie. I do remember that episode. That’s me, too! The trick is learning how to protect yourself. That and making sure you don’t wind up in the hands of any aliens. 🙂
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Ilegal or otherwise. 🙂
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Amen. Though we are called to love each other as Jesus loved us, including our abusers, we are not called to allow ourselves to be abused. Nor should the powers that be expect us to in the name of Jesus. Any power that expects us to is disjointed. Co-dependency does not help the abuser. Only cutting them off and allowing them to wallow in the pit they have carved will call them to the Cross. I have had to learn that as well, as I have also been in abusive, co-dependent relationships that tend to suck the life out of you.
Jesus does expect us to be self-sacrificing in our love for each other, but co-dependency as you have rightly stated, interferes with our relationship to God. Our first and greatest call is to follow Jesus, and anything that gets in the way of that is idolatry.
I would like to briefly touch on Doug’s comment about control freaks. As long as we can differentiate submission from control freak. Women are called to obey their husbands. I do admire a man that can take away the burden from us that has been on us since Feminism “liberated” us. However, women are freed through the good model of submission. It’s the bad kind, the domineering, micro-managing, control freak model that abuses. The kind that dismisses women to a corner and shuts out her thoughts and feelings altogether. Believe me when I say there is a lot of very evil type of abuse of that kind out there. That’s where the church comes in; the church should be the moderator and the preventive medicine for that type of abuse.
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“The church should be the moderator and preventative medicine for that type of abuse.”
I love that Pam,well said. I really believe we all have a responsibility there, that our words matter,and so those who are speaking of things like submission, hierarchies,headship, are obliged to pay attention to how our words maybe received. Perhaps it’s from hearing all those beautiful words of scripture in the mouths of so many red pills that has made me keenly aware of how even scripture can be misused to create something dark and ugly.
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Amen. That’s why I am careful when I speak of it to emphasize the importance that abuse not be tolerated. Men in the old days that beat their wives were looked on very badly, as brutes. Since the 1960s, the liberal attitude is to feel sorry for the abuser and shun the victim in most kind of scenarios. The horrible part is when it is wrapped in religion. When the patriarchal system of church protects it, justifies it. Though they keep it under the rug, you can sense that the red pill bloggers advocate for force in keeping a wife under submission. One simply cannot force submission and that’s something they fail to realize. Jesus does not force anyone to submit to him. They fail on so many points, IB. Their system is not fueled by love, and they have put themselves in the place of God.
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IB, I’ve learned that how we treat others very much reflects how we view Jesus. Red pill bloggers, indeed, any Christian abuser, must see a God who slaps them down when they don;t obey, who lashes out at them and forces submission on them. Can they really see themselves as being perfect, and mercy, compassion and love as weakness? Perhaps they can, but God will hold them to the same measure that they hold others in.
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“…and quite appropriate in context, they are not the answer to every given conflict.” This whole piece is brilliant wisdom, obviously one that has been authentically lived out by the author. Thank you for writing it. Reblogged.
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Reblogged this on INSPIRATION with an ATTITUDE and commented:
This is a piece of brilliant wisdom obviously lived out by one who has authentically walked the path. Thank you, Insanity Bytes, for writing it!
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Thank you Dawn, much appreciated. 🙂
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Ohh.. her name is Dawn? Pretty name.
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What’s your name?
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An important, difficult, confusing topic for me, particularly since I returned to the fold. One thing I can say is, there are no slaves in Christ. There’s a big difference, at least in my mind, between suffering out of love, like our Lord, and suffering out of fear. One might in fact continue in a less than ideal situation, knowing that, very firm boundaries must exist and are just as much a part of our Christian duty as suffering. And maybe I’ve just verbalized the whole journey.
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Outstanding post! You explain this perfectly and I’m grateful to you for putting it so well. Thank you!
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Yes! Thank you for this heartfelt and truthful post.
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Good word, IB. I was never co-dependent, but very passive aggressive. (“Do whatever you want…I’ll get even when you’re not looking…and you’re stupid anyway!”) I smiled with a sneer and was terribly cynical. God had to ridiculously love that out of me, so now my gift of suspicious has taken on a more faithful questioning nature (most of time!). 🙂
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Been there, done that, got the emotional baggage stickers to prove it. I resonate with pretty much every word of this (and God gave me a husband who was never shy about cutting any strings I may have otherwise clung to, also).
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