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Honest to goodness, our evangelizing internet atheists really need to get some new material. I am growing quite bored with the same old, same old, talking  points. For those who don’t know, boring me is a unforgiveable sin. That is not in the bible by the way, that is declaration from my desktop.

The accusation of the ages that surely must have passed its expiration date by now and spoiled into a revolting liquid mass, goes something like this,  “So IB, are you so delusional and indoctrinated that you believe in talking animals?”

Of course not, that would be downright nutty. Surreal. Defying the laws of nature. Cray-cray. Completely flies in the face of reality.

Obviously, like most sane people, I believe in a top-secret cult of hairless apes trying to indoctrinate me through an invisible wi/fi signal using all these strange letters and symbols to convey passive/aggressive rhetoric and hyperbole deliberately designed to influence my behavior.

The devil could not possibly have “made me do it” like Taylor Swift now sings, clearly the fault lies squarely at the feet of my  cultian naked ape overlords who sprung up from random nothingness in a happy accident, and now having “evolved,” spend each morning downloading their old, tired talking points so they may send them through the invisible airways to an avatar sitting on the other side of a keyboard across the world somewhere, in the hopes of gaining a new deconvertee.

A deconvertee to what exactly? Apparently a deconvertee into the cult of hairless apes who visit the mothership each day to pick up the blue kool-aid they need in order to give value and meaning to their own existence, an existence that can only be proven by projecting the essence of themselves across the invisible airways in the form of this strange code that with any luck, will properly implant themselves in the unknown avatar’s brain somewhere.

Yes, I admit it! I am being stalked by a bunch of hairless apes attempting to implant things into my brain via invisible air waves using strange symbols and codes. I don’t know where they came from, they just sprung up from nothingness.

No seriously, I think I truly do believe in the more rational concept of talking animals, burning bushes, and disembodied hands writing on the wall. I’ve actually seen some things far more bizarre.

Like hairless rats, wrapped in ribbon, bearing chocolate.