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Always make sure you have an automated answering service.

1. If you are an ultra reformed, extra special Calvanist who wishes to accuse me of heresy, please push one.

2. If you are a bleeding heart and wish to accuse me of hatred, please push two.

3. If you are an evangelizing atheist and wish to leave a six page screed explaining why I am delusional, please push three.

4. If you are a honey badger who wishes to tell me I am doing womanhood all wrong, please push four.

5. If you are a feminist who wishes to explain the difference between sex and gender to me, please push five.

6. If you are a divorced MRA who wishes to tell me I am doing marriage all wrong, please push six.

7. If you are an evangelizing egalitarian, please just go away, you’re kind of scary.

8. If you’re a complementarian who wishes to warn me about egalitarians, please push seven.

9. If you are an atheist who wishes to write a post about how I am possessed by demons, please seek help.

10. If you are an ordinary troll, please stay on the line. We prize “ordinary” in this neck of the woods. Hellen Wait will be with you shortly.