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green-eyedMale behavior causes consternation? I think not. Cause for concern perhaps, but not “consternation.”  Consternation is, “a sudden, alarming amazement or dread that results in utter confusion; dismay.” I feel as if I am rather cruelly deflating some egos here, so apologies for that. It is what it is.

One can certainly empathize with the desire to be so all-powerful, one can trigger great consternation in females, but alas, most women are incredibly alert to such tricks. Not all mind you, there are still some teen agers moaning, “Why oh why hasn’t he returned my text, it’s been like 8 minutes!”

He probably just went to the bathroom. That’s my standard answer. It’s really tacky to carry on a conversation from the bathroom. Just saying. My wisdom usually goes over like a ton of bricks.

I have an issue with two things, anthropomorphism and evolutionary psychology. Anthropomorphism is when you project human characteristics onto animals and call it science.  Evo/psych is pretty much the same.

It drives me nutty because so often it is cloaking this huge ego, this desire to perceive and define animal behavior through human eyes, as if animals are just humans of a different species. Nobody actually wants to be the wolf, as if just being a wolf, as a wolf was designed to be, could be a good thing in its own right. Many, many, evo/psych theories have been debunked a few years later when someone else comes along and observes the poor critters are failing to behave in a way that supports the proper narrative.

Hence my title, “Male behavior causes consternation?” It’s right off the science channel, hippos actually, and mating habits. I was having a chuckle cheering for the hippos, not because they were making baby hippos, but because they were totally failing to cooperate with the narrator. He had an important story to tell about how evolution had evolved so only the biggest, baddest hippo had a chance of passing along his genes. Naturally he did this by displaying all his manly hippo skills, fighting the male hippos, causing consternation among the females, and somewhat deceitfully conquering all in this survival of the fittest contest.

Except the hippos apparently could not hear the narrator and his stage directions. It soon got a bit comical. Rather than causing consternation in the female hippos, they seemed completely disinterested and simply went off to submerge themselves in the river. Our male hippo was left standing alone at the river bank. Soon another male hippo came along and they began a contest of opening their mouths wide to intimidate one another. Eventually it got a bit hostile and blood was drawn, which pleased the narrator immensely because he quite excitedly announced that the “weaker male” was now forced to beat a hasty retreat, forever denied the opportunity to pass along his inferior genes.

Dog gone if our battered male hippo didn’t decide to go console himself……down in the river where all the female hippos were already submerged. Our victor was busy on the river bank preening and praising himself and his vastly superior genes, which I know was quite true, because our narrator was also busy comforting his own self with that factoid. All while our loser was busy in the background spreading his weak and inferior genes far and wide.

“Well, there are a few exceptions,” the narrator finally announced. “It doesn’t always play out quite like you expected.”

You don’t say. Well now, that does throw a wrench in things. Also, this is totally unacceptable, because if the weaker males are going to insist on getting the girl, however are we going to evolve properly?

Well obviously, female hippos. Female hippos are simply going to have to start being more discerning about these things.