In life on the ground I’ve had to deal with a lot of death and dying and grief and sadness. When I was a kid my grandma was killed and she was kind of like my life line to the world, so her death was experienced as total abandonment, complete rejection. I was totally alone in the world. Also, mad at God for allowing it to happen.

Naturally all people dying since goes right back to those original feelings of abandonment and rejection. God has been so good to me though, there has been so much healing. Today I just feel that trip back in time to abandonment and rejection as small twinges, as fleeting moments of, why did you leave me?

Now of course, hardly anyone ever dies on purpose, just to leave you behind, but those feelings can pop up especially if you really depended and counted on someone being there forever. We kind of do that as people, we tend to forget that life can be fleeting, that someone can be there one moment and gone the next. I think if we really grasped that truth, we might make better use of our time together, maybe be kinder to one another.

I feel that sometimes, that need to hear someone’s story, their song, while there is still time. We really are all like a song. Some scientists actually took our DNA which is unique to each one of us, and they set it to music. Each of us are a song that has never been played by someone else. Our finger prints are like that too, very unique to each one of us. Billions of people on the planet and yet we are not being replicated, cloned, each one of us is specially designed, slightly different, an individual song.

Back to being mad at God however, I have done that a few times, explained that this death thing is painful, appalling, horrendous, and I do not approve at all. All in good humor here, but it turns out He quite agrees with me. I once understood death and faith on an intellectual level, on a theological level, but it didn’t permeate my soul, I didn’t feel it, I didn’t realize He really cared. Hence the reason why someone fairly bright, firmly rooted in faith, armed with theology, can find themselves mad and yelling at God Himself. I didn’t want logical answers or intellectual ones, I wanted emotional ones and that is exactly what He gave me. He is a great comforter.

Jesus wept. He cares deeply. He collects our tears in a bottle, too. He laid down His very life for us in a battle against death, one that ended in His victory. This death thing was not really part of His plan, not what He desired for us. Now of course God is sovereign, all-knowing, so not even death caught Him by surprise. John 1:1 reminds us of that, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”

He cares, deeply, personally, about each one of us, and He cares about the grief we feel, the suffering, the sense of powerlessness in the face of death. That’s only our own powerlessness though, not His. He has conquered death on our behalf. Someday we’ll understand it all even better than we can right now, but one thing I am certain of, God cares.

perfume

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