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Actually the question in six different places on the intertoobz was some variation of, “How do I get my husband to understand before it is too late?” This is a really bad week to be asking IB for relationship advice. I seem to be on a sudden empathy fast.

You cannot ever make your husband understand. You married a man and you’re trying to transform him into a mushroom. He is never going to fully understand you. Find some other healthy ways to get your needs met.

You could get some real problems. An asteroid about to fall on your house can be a real bonding experience. No one is even going to question your emotional state if an asteroid is about to fall on you. He’ll totally understand and if he doesn’t you can just point to the asteroid. See? This is why I’m crazy…

Men like concrete examples like that. Their brains can easily process it.

You could go over to the dark side and just duct tape him to a chair, prop his eye lids open with some toothpicks, and deprive him of sleep until he truly “gets you.” Can you feel me now?? That might be fun. You could post the whole thing on you-tube so we can follow your trial.

IB tends to get a bit frustrated. People are arguing over what color their new appliance upgrades ought to be.  My problems are more along the lines of, a water main broke so you just have no toilet for about ten days. Yeah, no kidding that once happened to us. That’s a real bonding experience. Try figuring out how to “adapt” to that one. This is fun. Good times we’re having now! It’s “date night” at the public toilets again.

So, some people are actually living in their cars. Seriously, they a have no home. “My husband just doesn’t understand my emotional needs related to my pottery class,” is simply self-absorbed at best. You all are making me crazy and I’m not even married to you.

How do I get my husband to understand before it is too late?”  Is just a question that makes IB want to laugh, cackle hysterically with all good gallows humor. Did you just put ALL your emotional well-being in the hands of a man? Who does that? Be ye stoopid?

And what’s with this “too late” thing? Are you going to implode? Disintegrate? Separate into a million tiny pixels? Find a new mushroom, I mean a new man?

Why a mushroom? I don’t know, I was thinking of that ancient video game, Ms-Pac man. This little game of life here is much like wandering around pointlessly in a maze eating dots. I don’t even think Ms-Pac man had mushrooms, just fruit. Mushrooms belonged to Mario. I can’t even keep my video games straight anymore.

In the mother lode of all craziness, if you have to “make, get, force” him to understand you, it won’t count anyway. I’ve watched this play out before. It doesn’t count if he doesn’t just “get it” because now you’ve gone and done all the emotional work for him. So now that’s your own work, doing the work to make him understand….. your work. Pull that one off and you’ll hate him even more. I hate him already myself. Mushrooms don’t engender respect, they’re like a ….pointless fungus.

There’s a better way, another way, and there’s even an instruction manual that explains everything.  Don’t ever read it, just go on the internet and hope some grumpy old woman comes along to set you straight. Like that makes any sense at all. Oh, and if you do read it, make sure you scoff at all the parts you don’t like, declare it outdated, and proceed to try to re-invent the wheel. Stupid bronze age goat herders didn’t have a clue….

You’re welcome.