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Does anyone else despise the culture of fear mongering, the endless advertising that tells you to be afraid, be very afraid…..of things you haven’t even thought to worry about yet? Worse, if you just waste your time reading our handy-dandy list of rape prevention tips or “how to avoid an abduction,” then if it ever does happen to you, you can totally blame yourself for not studying harder!

I have been dodging, “How to Avoid an Abduction” for two weeks now, it’s everywhere, on my face book feed, in my email, in my junk mail, and now I am getting most annoyed. Am I the only one thinking, oh please, just go ahead and abduct me already! How could that possibly be any worse than all the other things I have to deal with on a daily basis?

One thing I can tell you, you should never mess with an overextended, half psychotic woman, because we tend to think things like, jail? Really, is that seriously at threat? Because that sounds like the only vacation I am ever going to get. That sounds like 3 meals a day I don’t have to cook, that sounds like peace and quiet, that sounds like the beginning of a beautiful prison ministry……don’t even tempt me here, people.

So, step one in abduction prevention class, make sure you are half crazy already and simply too much trouble to kidnap. Also, make sure you’re not a rich heiress. Make sure you come from a family that would never pay the ransom anyway. Gain 20 pounds. It’s hard to kidnap fat people. Try to get yourself an identity no one would want. That helps, too. When you drive into a parking garage, careen in wildly, sideways, and take out five cars in the process. Kidnappers will see you and think you just aren’t worth the trouble.

Our photogenic young gal in the ad is wearing a sports bra and some leggings while cowering in a parking garage at 2 AM. Wait….it’s two AM and she’s been jogging around in a parking garage? Has she misplaced her car or something? I can certainly imagine that happening, it’s 2 AM and I’m still frantically trying to remember where the heck I parked. That part is real enough. It could happen, but unless she can’t remember where she parked, she’s got far bigger issues to worry about than a potential abduction.

Jogging around at 2 Am in a parking garage is just not normal. Bill collectors, perhaps? Bad boyfriend? Stress can make you do strange things. Maybe she’s become addicted to boxed wine? I can see how trying to break an addiction might drive one to 2 AM jogging.

There’s a slight possibility she actually lives in the parking garage. That would really stink…unless it was a vast improvement over her previous living situation. I’ve had entire weeks where the thought of living in a parking lot doesn’t really seem all that bad. I could adapt, get used to it.

Actually, if I lived in a parking garage and any kidnappers tried to move in on my territory, I think they’d come to regret the trespass. I wouldn’t be cowering behind some cars, I’d be crouching and thinking, oh look, here comes some fresh meat….