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When you see an acquaintance out of gas on the side of the road, do not drive by, wave, and declare, “God helps those who help themselves!”

When encountering someone who has just been hit by a city bus, do not bend over the poor guy and whisper, “The Holy Spirit just wanted me to warn you about the dangers of harboring bitterness and resentment towards God!”

Under no circumstances should you ever visit a mom with young children, look about her house and tsk, “Godliness is next to cleanliness.”

If you are a Calvanist, don’t try explaining “the elect” to a new Christian. Come to think of it, don’t try explaining it to an old Christian ether. In fact, do us all a favor and just take a vow of silence and go sit on a cloud somewhere.

Try to avoid telling your brothers to just shut up and go sit on a cloud.

Avoid worm theology at all costs. Yes, compared to the Creator of the universe we are all worms. Compared to you however, we are all vastly superior life forms forced to endure your antics.

Never use the phrase, “those kind of people.” You could be pointing to a satanic biker’s cult for all I care, and the answer is still, don’t ever say it.

When encountering a woman who is dealing with some low down, dirty rotten scoundrel, the tale of the adulteress about to be stoned is ALWAYS the WRONG bit  of scriptural wisdom to impart on her.

“Am I my brother’s keeper” is actually not a well-reasoned response that fools God in any way, shape, or form. No extra credit points for remembering something from the bible.

If you encounter a family with a bunch of Beauty and Beast paraphernalia, that is a really bad time to launch into a diatribe about the horrors of both bestiality and heresy, in graphic, gruesome  detail of course. “Mommy, Christians scare me,” is not something we ever want to hear.

Never call out behind you, “I’ll pray for you,” as you are running for the closest exit and have no intention of praying for them at all.

Alas, when people begin to get on your last nerve, that is a good time to just get a juice box, a blankie, and have a nap.

red queen

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