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safetyWho likes reading consumer warning labels? I do because I am all about the signs and consumer labels are a sign that human beings could never have survived this long without some major Divine intervention.

We bought a mattress once and it had a warning label that actually said, “five years in prison and 100,000 dollar fine for removing this label!” You know me,  I was ripping that label off before they could even get it loaded in the truck. Don’t tell me what to do!

I nearly lost my mind once sitting on my hands in front of a button covered with red tape that said, “don’t push this button.” Who does that?  That’s just cruel! It was the most tortuous 5 minutes of my life.

brainI am keenly aware of fire alarms too, those shiny red things with the lever. Recently I was in charge of a small herd of kids trapped in front of one of those fire alarms and they were nothing but an endless, “just looking at it,” “I’m just touching it,” “I’m just smelling it.” Yeah, kid, actually you’re just totally obsessed that’s what you are, but you’re starting to lead me astray here. I’ve only got a limited amount of self-control myself. Get your own.

One of my favorite warning labels was on a bucket of pickles in a restaurant and it said, “immersing your head in pickle bucket can result in drowning.” It was good information to have because in the restaurant business you are often looking for new and inventive ways to off yourself.

We once got a shipment of plastic bags that said, “warning, placing bag over your head could cause suffocation.” That was okay, but they went the extra mile and drew several cartoon diagrams of precisely how one might come to suffocate in a plastic bag. My favorite was the one where you place the bag over your head and then appear to walk carelessly into an industrial fan.

My toaster actually said, “do not use near bathtub,” which I found interesting. I understand how one might electrocute oneself with a blow dryer, but making toast while bathing and blow drying your hair, takes multi tasking to a whole new level I hadn’t considered possible.

I’ve done some dangerous things in my life, usually involving electricity. Like, quick we’re standing in 3 inches of water here, somebody unplug the fridge! Seemed rational at the time. Hand me that live wire, will you?

slipperyDon’t try to read the warning labels they’ve actually placed on your car either! “Warning, objects in this mirror are closer than they appear,” is all well and good, but your eyes need to be more focused on what is in front of you, rather than what is chasing you.

Tragic but somewhat comical, the most dangerous thing I’ve done was actually to try to read the warning label on a pack of batteries while I was driving. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! All’s well that ends well, but sheesh, don’t do that.

Stay safe, people, it’s a scary world out there, and all those who have inspired these kinds of warning labels walk among us……when they aren’t operating heavy equipment, that is.