Quite ungraciously, as in I still believe the fruits there are rotten, the love and mercy of Christ is not evident, and pride and arrogance rule the day. However, there are some pearls even in the bottom of a cesspool, as in Dalrock is quite right about a few things in this post,
Embracing no fault divorce is the natural result of elevating romantic love to a moral force.
Our culture has done exactly that, we’ve gone about our business, all backwards. Or bass akwards, if you prefer. We people have away of inverting the truth, so we become a bit like kids on a playground hanging upside down and then wondering why everything is not right side up.
So romantic love has indeed become a moral force as in, but do you love him? Because if you love him, or her, or it, or your dog even, whatever you are doing must be okay, moral, ethical, the right course of action.
Conversely, but I don’t love him, is then quickly translated into sin, immorality, as if to say, now my marriage itself is immoral because it is not aligned with my feelings. Well,if it is not aligned with your feelings, get it aligned with your feelings.
I am not a divorce shamer by any means, oh but for the grace of God there go I, no seriously, all in good humor, you have no idea how much I empathize there. However, my desire in life is to actually strengthen marriage, to show people what is possible when we change our perspectives and attitudes, right ourselves on the playground so to speak, so we can see more clearly.
I’m a big fan of romance, fairytales, true love, following your heart, and I think all of those things can be the fruit of healthy marriages. Marriage can be a joyous thing indeed, for both people. Marriage should never be where people go to die, along with love, romance, and sexuality. Sadly it often is, and even sadder, it’s often perceived that way by people who aren’t even married. That is false, untrue, and we become the recipients of our own low expectations and confused thinking.
Back to flipping things right side up, “do you love it” or “do you not love it” should never be our marker for morality, our evidence of a moral force at work. I love chocolate, caffeine, lazing around in the sun, but these things are not moral just because I love them. Conversely some of the things I dislike can be very good for me.
One of the tricks in life, one of the ways to find contentment, is to align your feelings with God’s will. There’s an old song, “love the one you’re with” and while some of those lyrics maybe problematic, I just wish to say, infuse your own marriage with love, romance, fairy tales. If you aren’t feeling it, get yourself feeling it. Do not ever allow, but do I love him to become your moral marker or standard for success in marriage. We control the vertical and the horizontal, we produce those feelings in our own selves.
Our failure to understand that truth has a whole lot to do with so many of the cultural problems we see all around us, from love, romance, marriage, all the way to politics.
See, there's this thing called biology... 
Wonderful thoughts, again… Indeed – “… “do you love it” or “do you not love it” should never be our marker for morality”.
During premarital counseling I like to introduce a concept that I believe has been a God-honored precept of success in my 40+ year marriage. Divorce your mind-set from the term ‘divorce’. Being not only the dissolution of marriage, it is also the opposite of a happy marriage. Although Moses allowed for it, Christ clarified the reason: because of a ‘hardness of heart’ – something neither partner in a happy marriage should ever entertain, much less be guided by!
Eliminating the term ‘divorce’ from one’s vocabulary, eliminates the possibility of it ever oozing from the mouth in a fit of anger or desperation. Never uttered – never contemplated – never divorced.
Now, I fully realize that in some situations of abusive relationships and fraud, there must be an out. But, like abortion, the overwhelming majority of cases could be resolved by alternative means. Besides, divorce rarely resolves problems. In fact, it usually creates bigger problems. Conversely, seeking reconciliation, instilling godly values and rediscovering true love can lead to a more meaningful and enjoyable marriage.
In spite of Nietzsche’s ever popular, yet profoundly immature idea – “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” – The fact is that sometimes what doesn’t kill us makes us WEAKER, but that’s OK. We must open ourselves up to the understanding that the greatest strength is knowing that it’s alright to be weak and that flaws in marriage relationships exist as they do also in all normal life experiences.
To borrow from an earlier post, THAT should be perfect enough.
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“Eliminating the term ‘divorce’ from one’s vocabulary, eliminates the possibility of it ever oozing from the mouth in a fit of anger or desperation.”
Really good points, MJ, all of them, but I liked the idea of removing divorce from your mind-set entirely. It’s somewhat tragic but comical too, but for me and hubby in those fits of anger, divorce isn’t even on the table, “oh no, divorce is way too good for you.” We’re relatively peaceful, gentle, souls, at least towards one another, so it works well as a mindset. What is divorce but a desire to sever relationship? A bit of emotional honesty can come in handy, the desire isn’t really to sever relationship, it’s to hurt the other person. For me, simply acknowledging that anger makes it lessen and go away.
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Well, I have to say I am on board with this IB. Look, I don’t divorce shame anybody, as that would be the deepest hypocrisy possible. The very idea of no fault divorce is ludicrous. Of course 11 years ago, when I was the not so gleeful recipient of one, even then it seem reasonable at the time. Bail on 25 years of life to go find oneself.
Well, obviously my perspective on this has changed. If we are the Bride of Christ, and we are…our groom would never get ticked off and dump us to go find out who he really was. He won’t even leave us if we are jerks. Why the heck would we think we can split apart something modeled in His relationship with us….FOR NO REASON at all?
Just an FYI, I am currently in a marriage that was done under the Arkansas Covenant Marriage Law. I no longer am eligible by law for a no fault divorce, and the allowable reasons are very limited and specific. It’s simply not an option for us except in the most extreme, and more or less Biblical reason.
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The only biblical reference I found regarding being separated from, is to be reconciled to the person you had married. Re-marriage to another is not an option. As for Stephen stills:
“…may be problematic” Use the entire phrase: “And if you can’t be, with the one you love, love the one you’re with” IS -to be polite- problematic. I continue to despise Stills for that song.
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LOL! Sorry for that song, Partnering. I realize it says something entirely different, but I was just thinking of that one lyric.
It’s funny, sometimes we will sing the lyrics to songs just the way we hear them, and then 20 years later someone will come along and shatter all your illusions by pointing out that you’ve really got the words all wrong. Cracks me up every time.
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Not sure how politics fits, but I agree with what you’re saying, IB.
As I read, I thought—the problem is that people rely on their feelings, and then you brought that point home. The thing that surprises me is, when I was a kid, I kind of had hammered into my head that we shouldn’t rely of feelings. They’re too fickle, not grounded, unworthy allies when needing counsel or conviction. But our society has moved toward feelings as the only right test for what is best for us as individuals: how can you criticize; you don’t know how I feel! That sort of thing. In reality, it is this that’s behind a lot of the gender confusion going around. It’s part of the relativity of our postmodern thinking. We’re actually OK that our feelings change, which is why we think we need to change with them—change our jobs, our spouses, where we live, our friends. We don’t want to suffer, we don’t want to be uncomfortable, we don’t want to deal with hard things, so we’ll run away instead, all validated because we feel better with this person or that job or in that location.
OK, climbing down from the Ol’ Soap Box now. 😉
Becky
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Great comment, Becky. It’s awkward because I am all about feelings, recognizing them, honoring them, allowing them to teach you, but always with the understanding that feelings are just that, feelings, tools, not a measure of truth or morality. Unfortunately in our modern culture it’s become all about feelings as morality.
When it comes to politics, I guess I was just thinking of the number of conversations I’ve had with people where it’s all about emotions and feelings, so questions like, “is it true” or “is it good for the country,” don’t even come into play. Who cares about those things? What’s really important is the amount of emotion people are experiencing personally.
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OK, I get that now. Responding to someone saying, Let’s make America great again! Yes, that’s an appeal to emotion. Good pick up. I hadn’t thought about it in terms of emotion before. I’ve thought of people chosing who to vote for based on need or ideology. But emotion? OK, that makes a LOT of sense.
Becky
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Sometimes, I wonder if you are like some kind of mind reader. Many of your posts touch on things that are swirling around my heart and mind trying to find someplace to go! 😀
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