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insanitybytes22, love, marriage, men and women, romance, seasons
Something I can see much better today than I could when I was young, is how high women’s expectations of men can be, how much responsibility we can pile on them. I think there’s some sweetness there, one of those biological truths that can be so delightful to discover and unwrap. However, things that are natural, biological, instinctual, sometimes go unnoticed, unseen, and can start to border on the irrational, the unreasonable.
I myself happened to marry Batman so the expectations on him are high, the burdens heavy. You can perceive that two ways, the woman hates me…..or she’s under this misguided impression she actually married a superhero. I would go with the superhero persona, myself.
When I was younger I had this “honey do” list, not just of chores, but emotional things too, spiritual things, lots of things needing to be done and fixed….like the entire broken world.
I remember one day hubby came home and asked what I needed before he sat down and I thought, “The kid’s hamster has died, could you resurrect it before she gets home? Also, the gutters need to be cleaned, most annoying the way the rain drips all wrong, and do you think you could rope the moon for me?” I really only thought these things silently while staring at hubby soaking wet, all covered in mud, exhausted, so patiently delaying his own comfort to see if I “needed” anything from him.
He’s kind and responsible, but he does have a pretty good self-preservation reflex too, so he would say things over the years like, “lions sleep 23 hours a day.” All in good humor, but it is somewhat miraculous we ever learned to communicate at all, given I was thinking of roping the moon, while he was speaking some nonsense about sleeping lions.
I mention this because I ran into a guy at the grocery store near tears, or what would be tears if he wasn’t such a guy, but he was feeling overwhelmed, working all day and then going home to pack at night, to move them into a new house, and of course she wants everything done perfectly and nothing he does is ever going to be perfect enough. Criticized, overburdened, overwhelmed, during what should be a joyous time in their lives.
I ran into her later that day too, and said as gently as I could, “I think you need to cut that poor man some slack, he’s working very hard.” “Why?” she said, complete innocence in her eyes, confusion, and in that moment I saw my younger self, my younger self thinking, this is Batman, why shouldn’t Batman just do what he does, what he is actually designed to do?
Women, especially moms, can be a bit mercenary, heartless perhaps, self-absorbed. One of the blessings of having been married for a long time, of having survived your younger selves, is that you get to rediscover the actual person you married, the human being behind the accessory, the soul of the one you love that exists somewhere beyond it’s utilitarian purpose in your life.
That is if you don’t crush it completely before you get there.
Elihu said:
So much truth here. Marriage is about sticking it out even when you discover your superhero or princess has flaws! (Gasp!) you forgive because you are forgiven. You love because God loves you. It’s not a cakewalk…
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insanitybytes22 said:
Well said.
Somewhat amusing, but the old fairytales taught us these things. Today we think of superheros and princesses as perfect beings, but in the olden days we all understood they had major issues. Your prince was actually a toad at some point, your princess looses her beauty when the sun goes down and becomes this hideous creature. It’s not the “magic” that interests me, but the cultural implications of our story telling and how these things have changed over the years and actually altered our behavior and perceptions.
The bible of course is steadfast and true, so we do have an instruction manual in case we get lost, which we always do.:)
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karenlts25 said:
Well said IB! ….nothing more frustrating than looking for Perfection in all the wrongs places.
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insanitybytes22 said:
That’s a good point, looking for perfection in all the wrong places. That really will make you crazy.
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violetwisp said:
I can actually relate to that, but it definitely works both ways and it’s odd to suggest that particularly women do it to men. I think when we have young families, we both take each other for granted just to get through the day, and communication with the person-you-formerly-adored becomes brisk and functional. I’m only just out of phase one in remembering the father of my children is someone other than the other person in the house that Does Stuff. And I think it’s the same for him. I’m looking forward to a time when we can attempt to enjoy each other’s company again!
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insanitybytes22 said:
“….it’s odd to suggest that particularly women do it to men.”
Well, that’s observation mostly, and biology. Certainly men have their expectations and delusions too, but when you observe women especially with children, we are making homes, making nests, controlling the environment around us, and so men can very easily become an accessory, a means to an end that makes that happen.
We talk a lot in our culture about how women are often erased, we lose our sense of personhood, we become someone’s mother, someone’s wife,and lose ourselves in the process. But we seldom speak of how that happens to men too, they become husbands, fathers, just accessories in the biological equation.
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Andy Oldham said:
Wow! Isn’t it amazing how it takes age and empty nest to realize the gems you took for granted. Love your post. Your husband is an amazing Batman!
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insanitybytes22 said:
Isn’t getting older amazing?
I was once in a room with with a bunch of kids running around and I told an older woman, “Don’t you wish you had their energy?” She looked at me with absolute horror and said, “Oh no, I was once young and foolish, just running all over the place going no where.”
Cracked me up. I get it now.
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Andy Oldham said:
Hahaha! That is funny! I’ll take their energy any day!
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atimetoshare.me said:
Always a work in progress – ’til death do we part.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Amen! 🙂
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Liberty On the Lighter Side said:
I love your post, that phrase ‘you get to rediscover the actual person you married’ is wonderful in it’s exciting potential, it gave my heart such a lift! My husband once reminded me I didn’t marry a handyman and I’m still trying to tell that to myself, it’s taken a couple of decades for me to not be the drip that makes him want to live on a corner of the roof! I’m amazed at the gift that marriage is and God’s grace that’s the joy glue.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Ahh, I love that! “God’s grace is the joy glue,” well said.
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MJThompson said:
Enlightening thoughts – from a Batman’s perspective. Kudos for understanding the greatest feats of a superhero lie withing their longevity.
Although the popular adage insists that ABSENCE makes the heart grow fonder, those who have enjoyed enduring/endearing long-term relationships realize that it is PRESENCE that actually perfects affection. Absence cannot observe the subtle nuances involved in the evolution of maturing love, nor the insight that comes from witnessing vulnerabilities cultivate into strengths. How sad for those who miss such delights because they do not understand the value of commitment.
One such blessing is becoming privy to the remarkable way a femme fatale gives way to the fairy tale princess when encountered by the proper Batman. As stated in your post – “nothing he does is ever going to be perfect enough” – there exists the ‘rub’. We batmen view ‘perfect’ as fully accomplished; the princess sees room for improvement over that – ergo… ‘perfect ENOUGH’.
That daunting task overwhelms us to the point of jealousy. Lions sleep while lionesses hunt. But not in fairy-tales, nor real-life romances, which are rarely ‘perfect enough’ these days. Though likely never fully achieved, every Batman is perfect in his uniqueness – a legend in his own mind. When a princess recognizes this, she’s hooked – that’s enough.
There are Tee-shirts that bear catchy slogans, one of my favorite = “Old Guys Rule”. Not because I believe that they actually do, but because of the ‘right-of-passage’ the slogan implies. Batman is a survivor. I recently discovered that this is true, NOT because he is so strong; he is so strong because he is ‘perfect enough’ for his personal damsel in distress.
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Julie Sheppard aka Reiko Chinen said:
Reblogged this on emotionalpeace.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thank you for the reblog, much appreciated. 🙂
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oneta hayes said:
My husband is 87 and sometimes I still do not know why he can’t keep the cars and yard done like he used to, and also I really need that ceiling fan fixed!
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insanitybytes22 said:
LOL! Yes, I so hear you. Very charming, indeed, but we must cut the poor guys some slack once in a while. 🙂
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