Tags
blogging, faith, insanitybytes22, letting go, love, opinion, parenting
….And they shall dwell in their parent’s basement forever….
I remember when the kids were born, the first two especially, there was some powerful maternal instinct going on and some feelings, a need for control. I was going to protect those babies from dad himself if necessary. Dad was awesome, but you know, his hands were dirty after work, his beard was rough, he might drop them or fail to support their neck. Or heaven forbid, toss them in the air and not catch them. All kinds of irrational fears. Fortunately we were able to work through it and dad eventually got to hold his babies, change them, feed them, play with them.
I remember one time not wanting to leave to go to the store because dad didn’t know infant cpr and his first aid card had long since expired. What if they choke? Hubby just looked at me as if to say, well now you’re being neurotic and crazy. Of course I was, that’s what you do when you’re a mom.
It got easier and he never actually dropped any of our babies on their head. There were some moments of panic over the years, when he gave them a ride on his 3 wheeler or the back of his truck, but dad really helped to provide the balance that was needed. Without that harmony, I might have wrapped the kids in cotton and smothered them with hand sanitizer, trying to protect them from the world around us.
Being a mom, being a parent, is really about slowly letting go. Dad and I had a few power struggles along the way, but nothing, nothing like the struggle I have had with God to let go of them emotionally and spiritually now that they are grown. I can’t protect them anymore. I can’t ease their suffering. Seriously that is painful stuff, far worse than child-birth itself. Ha! I laugh at the pain of child birth. That was nothing. That was almost fun.
I am fortunate because I have the eyes to see how healthy it is to cut the apron strings, how necessary and vital for everyone’s well-being. I am also surrounded by examples of what can happen when you don’t or can’t. Really tragic, toxic situations, grown children now entangled in dysfunction, crippled really, because a parent could not let go. Still cannot let go. Sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to just walk away. Especially when they’re like, 38 years old.
Our roles have now shifted, hubby’s and mine. I am letting go and he is trying so hard to hang on, that last gasp effort before you begin to surrender to the truth. He does not understand what has changed, why I have changed. “You have to be their mom,” he tells me, desperately, as if I have fallen down on the job here. He has a long and painful road ahead of him while my journey is nearly finished.
It’s tragic, but it’s a bit comical too. I feel as if I am about five years into a heated cosmic custody battle with God Himself who keeps correcting me ever so gently, they’re not your kids, they are mine.
God has me wrapped tightly in the comfort and faith of Abraham, a father once called to give up his son, to let go and make the ultimate sacrifice, not your child Abraham, but mine. Later God Himself made that same sacrifice, giving us what was most precious to Him, His only begotten son.
I get that now, the price God paid, the sacrifice, the depth of love He has for us. He didn’t just give us anybody, He gave up His son, the best He had to give.
See, there's this thing called biology... 
when I think of being a mom—and how hard it has been—and I only had one…as God probably knew that one was enough for me as despite my best efforts and diligence—I still screwed up and sometimes screwed up royally…I think of Mary—-the ultimate Mother who bore so much up in her heart and truly demonstrated how to unconditionally and selflessly… give up and let go…..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, how I too well relate to this post. My own parental experience oozes with empathy and self-examination. My four adult children have each, to one degree or another, gone the way of the prodigal, and I’ve run out of fatted calves, while my hopes of their return are fast approaching terminal nil. Two of the four, I can only hope are with God in some way un-be-known to me.
But, my reply is due to the nerves your comment evoked – “[God said] they’re not your kids, they are mine”.
My 1st born daughter was only 17 when, during an unexpected pregnancy, she and the baby’s father explored several options for their future. They contemplated adoption, and even began negotiations with an agency.
My wife nearly had a heart attack when she found out, because she never heard from God (as I did) the message you shared. No matter how far each child has ‘strayed’ she is vigilant in her self-appointed duty as the infinite ‘mamma bear’.
I, on the other hand, have no problem letting go – in fact I see it as a logical ‘right-of-passage’ – an inevitable MUST. I believe it to be so universal that I even wrote my daughter a three page letter (purposely preserving my thoughts for posterity) telling her to let go and let God, concerning the child within her womb. I told her – its not about having to let go, but WHEN to let go.
She married the boy; they kept their daughter and had another, then divorced. Now 21 years later, my daughter still cannot let go. Her ex-husband has never paid a dime for child-support – obviously he had no problems with letting go.
The shadow cast by the pain in our past, that darkness of bad memories, is heart-stoppingly easy to get stuck in. It is emotional quicksand and exerts a strong downward pull on our psyche. Unable to hold a job (although she’s got ample credentials and experience) she is no longer self-supporting, and worse – she co-signed her daughter’s $40K student loan.
A common axiom of psychology, we are all some recombination of our yesterdays. Therefore we are often urged to look back in contemplation of how we arrived at wherever it is we are now. But there’s a point where appreciation and analysis of the past become like a fat wad of gum on our shoe. It sticks us in place, impedes our forward motion, and, it doesn’t just leave on its own. We need to do some scraping.
Getting unstuck involves remembering, but reconsidering the past from a different, more empathetic perspective. Moving forward sometimes necessitates the re-configuring our relationships so that we are less giving and more pragmatic. Letting go – to let God do the giving – is the best way to break the trend that too often leads to debilitating co-dependency. “He gave up His son, the best He had to give” – and He has lots more to give – and God always gives His best!
LikeLiked by 2 people
My two babies are 21 and 24 both live out of home with their partners, it was so hard to let go. I had to and I have watched them soar! Now I can soar on my own again 🙂
LikeLiked by 3 people
“I get that now, the price God paid, the sacrifice, the depth of love He has for us. He didn’t just give us anybody, He gave up His son, the best He had to give.”
Not to metion that the kid Himself was a jem! And did His Father’s will! ; – )
LikeLiked by 1 person
This was very eye opening especially for a dad of younger kids…I think I need to keep this in mind as the kids get older that we only have stewardship of them and the goal is to allow them to eventually be healthly independent of you in a way that they are rightly dependent on Him.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Amen. It’s wise to keep this in mind,it saves you a lot of grief and it’s healthy for the kids. In the end our goal is really to push the little birds out of the nest so they can fly on their own.
Stewardship, I like that. Yes, we have a stewardship and than we must give them away to their Father, not unlike we give daughters away at a wedding. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person