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There’s a catch phrase out and who does not love culture, politics,and words? “Alternative facts,” is the new phrase,  as in you are not entitled to your alternative facts.

Au contraire, I am totally entitled to my alternative facts. In a world full of endless narratives, moral relativism, and subjective truth, you do not suddenly get to claim possession of “the facts.”

It’s a bit amusing, I have long been a champion of alternative facts, so when this little phrase suddenly popped up on the news and in the culture, I was quite delighted. It warmed the cockles of my cold little heart.

I know, I know hearts don’t really have cockles, but like I said, I am fully entitled to my alternative facts.

Ever since I’ve been on the internet the bane of my existence, indeed, the very blight on my potato, has been this pedantic assault of the linear thinkers. It is not personal, it is just that I am not a linear thinker at all, so if I say “the sky is blue” and someone comes along to declare that untrue, because science clearly states it isn’t the sky that is blue at all, I tend to get annoyed.

Or I would get annoyed if I hadn’t long since lost my capacity to do much more than groan and roll my eyes.

I don’t really want to debate the color of the sky. Or the fact that my life is not literally a potato with some blight on it. Or the fact that I have totally exaggerated the “bane of my existence” and engaged in a bit of hyperbole. I get that, I know what I’m doing, I’m relatively familiar with my own writing style. I am attempting to communicate here, not writing a legal brief. Or a peer-reviewed science paper. Or working for the mainstream media, although I must say if you want to really see alternative facts and subjective truth in action, they’re your best source……

I read Orwell’s 1984, more than once, and he says, “Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.”

Yes exactly. Like the idea that we can create hyperbolic narratives about nazis that don’t even apply, while declaring  truth to be totally subjective, all while whining about other people’s alternative facts. Doublethink, like insisting on complete and total tolerance of all differences… while declaring your right to enforce mandatory compliance to one set of beliefs?

It’s a bit comical, if I were facing Dragnet, Detective Joe Friday, “Just the facts ma’am,” I would just stare at him in complete confusion. Which facts? From what perspective? Which voice am I observing this situation with? How are my words going to be used? Which aspect of this tale is going to be most useful to you? Do you want me to empathize with the bad guy or speak from the perspective of a witness?

All in good fun here, but I would just sit down and cry, that’s what I would do. Joe Friday has just made  my brain hurt.  I have no idea what he’s asking for.

I admit, I confess, I have never been a big stickler for precise facts, but that is only possible because I am firmly rooted in the Truth. Truth always trumps the silliness of “facts.”