I really enjoyed this from Sir Guy, “How To Love a Man, Or Not.” He’s been engaged in some delightful debates about the nature of love and how men and women are so different.
This is great piece because he speaks of how, “The sexes are very different regarding the subject of love. First, loving both self and others is fundamental to the female nature. Second, loving self and someone is uppermost in the female mind. Third, women learn how to love a man from their mothers, generation to generation. Men are into none of that.”
I’ve lost track of all the times I’ve heard, “Of course I love her, I go work everyday don’t I?” Or, “I’m a good guy, I perform accordingly, so she OUGHT to love me back.” I hear the confusion there, the hurt, the puzzlement, and that is really what lead me to start paying attention to the differences between men and women. My husband has said all of those things to me over the years, with complete innocence in his eyes, genuine confusion.
The innocence is important here, because it speaks to intent. If a man says those words to me “Of course I love her, I go work everyday don’t I?” Or, “I perform accordingly..” Being female, I would immediately perceive that as a relationship completely devoid of love. Love is not duty and performance! I do not love you because you “perform accordingly,” you are not my computer! Actually, that sounds like a man completely devoid of love to me!
That is how different men and women can be in how we perceive love and how we communicate with one another. Men are far more task oriented, performance based. I sometimes say they are verbs, action words, while women are more like adjectives.
I used to try to be action oriented too, so I’d tell my husband, “I’m washing dishes, I’m taking care of the kids, I’m running errands,” and he’d look at me like, “yes so? I know you are.” I was seeking love, relationship, connection, something, but he just couldn’t understand what I was even asking for.
My husband once had a truck he was always working on and I actually got a bit jealous, because he loved that truck the way he needed to be loving me. He had the engine out and one day I asked him, “So, do you love your truck because she starts up efficiently every morning?”
“It’s not even running right now,” he protested. Well there you go, apparently there is something more to this love stuff than our performance and efficiency.
Sir Guy has a list of 12 things called, “She has forgotten how to love when she” Oh yes, absolutely, I tried all of those things, at least once, perhaps more. I had forgotten how to love, forgotten what was natural and instinctual to me. Our culture, our society, feminism, all do things to teach women how not to listen to what is innate, biological, natural to us. We are often led to falsely unlearn what we instinctively already know somewhere inside.
Sir Guy says, “First, loving both self and others is fundamental to the female nature” And also “Men are into none of that.”
“Men are into none of that.” That is a harsh truth. As women we tend to believe that everybody ought to be just like us, so if his eyes are different, there must be something wrong with him. Often men really must learn how to love women from their mothers, wives, sisters, the actual women in their lives. They don’t know these things instinctively.
When women reject our own femininity, when we allow the world around us to confuse us, we lose our ability to teach men how to love, and in a generational context, as the hand that rocks the cradle, that is disastrous.