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communication, empathy, insanitybytes22, interpersonal skills, justice, marriage, men and women, relationships
Continuing my quest for justice in conversations across the intertoobz, I encountered this interesting gender tendency around saying sorry. “Justice” within marriage requires an interest in your spouse’s perspective, sorrow for their suffering, and a willingness to name evil for what it is. Empathy. On both sides. No empathy, no connection.
This is a very feminine perspective of course, but in order to feel loved, women need safety and justice. You want women to feel loved because, well because there are great perks there. Women function best when we feel loved. What is it to feel loved? Safety, justice, protection, provision. Men tend to feel love as something more entwined with respect.
Someone smart once said the secret to a good marriage is just one-act of forgiveness after another. I think that is really true, and we are just speaking of the trials and tribulations of daily living here. Unforgiveness over a pair of socks left on the floor can fester, it can soon become contempt, and contempt is the opposite of respect. So now you have a man feeling unloved, and an unloved man’s perception of justice is generally hostile, revenge based, and he’s in attack and defend mode. She will feel no sense of safety, justice, protection, provision in that situation, and an unloved woman, well that’s an ugly thing, too.
I perceive saying “sorry,” as simply empathy, justice, love. It is not related to fault, blame, repentance, or hanging one’s self in sack cloth and ashes. It is a casual, empathetic response. I’m sorry traffic was bad. I probably say I’m sorry a dozen times a day. It means “I’m sorry that happened to you, I see your sorrow, it’s not your fault, that was wrong.” That is the essence of emotional justice. You hear those words enough you start to feel a sense of emotional safety.
Listening to a lot of men however, I noticed they seem to perceive having to say, “I’m sorry,” with admitting fault, taking blame, promising to fix it, genuine repentance,the need to ask for forgiveness, shame, sorrow, submission, weakness, and even the idea that you are lying, that you are saying “sorry”simply as appeasement. Whew! It was like unpacking luggage from a 20 year trip around the world. Big emotional stuff, baggage.
I asked my husband about it, because he’s the only expert I have on hand for all things manly, and he agreed to some extent. Sorry in his mind is either major repentance or it’s lying for the purpose of deceiving someone. Allegedly it is “different” when women say it. We are simply expressing “feelings.” His sorry requires action, something substantial, physical, tangible.
When I think about it, he’s probably “sorry” about three times a week, whereas I am sorry perhaps 74 times. Bit of a gap there. On the other hand, he does manage to convey and communicate that sense of “sorrow,” aka concern for my well-being, to satisfy that need for emotional justice, in other ways. Not perfectly of course, but enough that I can sense it.
It was a profound discovery with huge implications, because while reading the words of those men, their inability or unwillingness to in someway communicate and convey “I’m sorry that happened to you, I see your sorrow, it’s not your fault, that was wrong,” would flat-out indicate a doomed relationship to me. Divorced. It just screams out to me, I don’t care about you at all.
I find this especially sad, because for some I think they just genuinely don’t get it, they just don’t understand. There are communication gaps between men and women sometimes, different ways of perceiving interpersonal relationships, and often men are not raised to operate in the emotional realm in quite the same way. They cannot see what they do not know.
So, here you go. Every woman I know of needs to hear some form of “I’m sorry that happened to you, I see your sorrow, it’s not your fault, that was wrong.” Empathy. An affirmation and provision of emotional justice.
Brandon Adams said:
Wow. I never thought of it that way, but yes, men equate sorry with being wrong, and that’s one of the hardest things for men to admit to. I’m a little more attuned to the “sorry your day was hard” empathy that you described, but you still have a good point.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Isn’t it interesting? I never noticed it either. It makes a certain amount of sense, however. Men tend to be fixers, verbs as I like to say, action words. Women are more like adjectives, our investments tend to be emotional, descriptive. The first thing I would say to a girlfriend in distress is “I’m so sorry.” It’s an emotional investment into her, whereas men would tend to focus more on problem solving. We really need both in the world.
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Mike said:
I see your point IB, but I agree with your husband. Words mean things and ‘I’m sorry that happened to you’ is far different than ‘I’m sorry’. One conveys empathy as you point out, but the other is indeed admission of guilt if it is to mean anything at all.
I’m not sure there is a gap between genders as much as there is a war on meaning that we have endured for so very long we have become mental prisoners of it. I don’t find it difficult to admit I’m wrong… I provide my self ample opportunity and am well practiced at being so. This also goes for intoxicated. I find the actual admission of guilt to be difficult for all individuals for various reasons. I guess my point is ‘sorry’ risks becoming one of those awful platitudes sans meaning like ‘love’ and ‘fair’ if we are not prudent in it’s use.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Interesting, Mike. “Sorry” as a platitude, an appeasement, that was my husband’s concern, too. Kind of fascinating, because of course it is an appeasement, a platitude, but that is not necessarily wrong. One could almost say it was the very essence of nurturing.
So in marriage to a man it would look like, “I’m sorry traffic was bad. Let me appease you with a steak and offer you the platitude of some hot and steamy sex.” Appeasement, platitudes, no actual admission of guilt over anything.
She didn’t actually make the traffic bad,but she can make it all better.
To a woman, a simple willingness to listen, to help her sort out her feelings, would probably be received in the same way. She needs some form of emotional appeasement and platitude.
I notice “authenticity” is really important to both men and women. I’ve come to really hate the word because it seems to get in the way so much. So women will say, I’m not really feeling like…being kind to him. Well too bad, fake it! Acting contrary to your feelings is not always lying, often it is simply good manners.
There are probably a lot of ways men could express “I’m sorry” in ways that don’t resemble an apology or the acceptance of blame and fault, but for the life of me I can’t think of any today. She needs to hear the justice that comes from being told something is unfair and it is not your fault.
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Mike said:
I’m not sure we disagree but by degree. My intent is not to minimize our need to be supportive of our mates.
Speaking of which…
““I’m sorry traffic was bad. Let me appease you with a steak and offer you the platitude of some hot and steamy sex.” Appeasement, platitudes, no actual admission of guilt over anything.
She didn’t actually make the traffic bad,but she can make it all better.”
Who is “She”!? Who!? I have to know who this person is! You can’t hold out on us IB! It’s not fair…
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insanitybytes22 said:
LOL! Very funny, Mike. 🙂
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Vernon said:
As a recovering addict I have said I’m sorry so much no one ever believe me. I don’t even believe it myself when I say it. Self -centered people only feel sorry for getting busted. And being selfish is at the core of an addict’s personality.
Drugs is only a small symptom.
Today after years of learning how to forgive and love myself I can honestly connect with others through empathy.
What have worked best for my marriage is listening to my wife without giving advice on how to fix it. Also holding her.
What makes it hard for me is her timing. She always need to talk during the games! It makes me feel disrespected.
No man wants to feel like that.
I still remember the first time I turned off the Tv to give her my undivided attention.
That was the day I became the man because she felt what she had to say was important to me. Regardless that my team was getting thier butts handed to them and I couldn’t stand it any longer. In this case her timing was perfect…lol
Seriously when I’m at fault I tell her I will work on it rather than say I’m sorry. Stopping the behavior is the best way to say Im sorry.
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insanitybytes22 said:
LOL! That’s charming and so well said. To turn off the game and actually listen, wow! That would certainly resonate with me. 🙂
I’m so pleased to know you have come to forgive and to love yourself. Thanks for your comment.
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Shattered in Him said:
Yes, we do function at our very best when we feel loved, cherished, and valued. And, the perks! My husband loves to tell other guys about the perks of making your wife feel loved and valued. 😀
Anymore, it seems the words “I’m sorry” are empty; people assume you are sorry to have gotten caught, you just want to be off the hook, you want it swept under the rug, etc., etc. An apology truly speaks the loudest when change and action follow behind it.
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dvaal said:
Reblogged this on my heartstrings… fiddledeedee and commented:
I don’t say “I’m sorry” very often. My husband comments on this because he feels that he is the only one who says these words. I find “I’m sorry” lacks meaning unless we genuinely mean it. I agree with what she wrote. Us women do need to hear these words but for my husband I don’t just spill out words without meaning (which us women often do) I show him each day that I forgive his unforgivable and aggravating behaviors by loving him and allowing him to Feel my love, every day. This is a great article.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thank you for the comment and the reblog. Much appreciated.
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dvaal said:
You’re welcome.
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Wally Fry said:
Interesting IB.
My wife’s first husband was not very nice, and constantly found fault and placed blame. She has developed, “I’m sorry” as a way to appease. Sometimes even when no offense has occurred. I tend not to be easily offended or bothered by much, so half the time I don’t even get what she means. I keep asking…”Huh? For what?”
On the other hand, I tend to tell her sorry for things, and not because I’m sorry about something. Like Brandon said, sort of a “I’m sorry that happened.”
That’s kind of reverse of what you meant I think. But, it seems to be that way for us.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Interesting, Wally! You’ve gone and reversed it all. 🙂
Here’s something I do know, it can be a powerful thing for men to provide emotional cover for their wives, to take full responsibility for the problem at large. So one is not saying, I am to blame for this thing, they are saying I’ll handle it on your behalf. That’s very affirming for women.
I suppose if one felt compelled to constantly apologize for the sake of keeping the peace, that would be different. That would be more of a fear based response. So, “perfect love casts out fear.” In a way you could say Christ picked up our burdens for us, gave us that spiritual cover, even though he was blameless. So when men can emulate that same relationship in the eyes of women, it’s a beautiful thing indeed.
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Wally Fry said:
“Here’s something I do know, it can be a powerful thing for men to provide emotional cover for their wives, to take full responsibility for the problem at large. So one is not saying, I am to blame for this thing, they are saying I’ll handle it on your behalf. That’s very affirming for women.”
Well said IB. Because that is exactly how it goes. I will say, “Sorry,” and she will say “But, you didn’t do it.” I know that of course, but the point is I want it to not happen anymore. It’s my way of saying, “I’m sorry, now who do I have to kill.” So to speak, of course. Maybe. LOL.Maybe not, as I have a real tendency towards extreme protectiveness.
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Susan Irene Fox said:
Wow, emotional justice. I think you’ve coined a new phrase, and I like it a lot.
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lovelifeandgod said:
It’s interesting you mention that men like to perceive things more in action terms rather than emotional terms, since I had an experience of this today. One of my male friends thanked me for giving him a mug for his birthday a while back and said that he uses it all the time. Apparently, before then he had been relying on paper coffee cups for drinking! He said he appreciates functional gifts, gifts that serve a purpose, as opposed to something like a Hallmark card. On the other hand, I myself am usually satisfied with hugs, handwritten cards, or purely symbolic gifts from friends and family for my birthdays. Sure, I don’t mind getting a nice sweater or something, but for me, and I think for many women, we find that “it’s the thought that counts.” I get the same idea from your post here. Even if a man can’t protect a woman from a bad day, if he expresses empathy for her situation then it’s the same thing in her eyes – i.e. “It’s the thought that counts.” It’s a very interesting contrast between the two genders. 🙂
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insanitybytes22 said:
Well said!
I am like that too, a gift from the heart is far more precious. My husband is not really like that, he needs some function, some usefulness. I like how you related that all to “protecting her from a bad day.” You can’t always do that, but to simply empathize is at least as good. 🙂
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"A" dad said:
Memi, a couple of thoughts about the “guy” version of sorry. Your husband, and most guys are pretty serious about the term as least. Most people, man and woman might say “I’m sorry” when told that someone died. (“fault neutral” empathy)
Guys might epress “fault neutral” empathy as “bummer man”, or “that sucks!”
Chuck Colson has a daughter with an autistic child. She wrote a book about her experience. Chuck Colson wrote the foreward of the book. Chuck Colson was a Marine.
Chuck explained the the reason a Marine might jump on a live gernade, to save his buddies is “love”.
“Guy love” in this case, but love all the same.
Some times guys are, …….well,……. “drama queens”! ; – )
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insanitybytes22 said:
LOL! Well said, A-dad.
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auroraroschen said:
So true! Seth is learning in our relationship that this “I’m sorry you had a hard day” goes hand-in-hand with practicing active listening, not to fix the problem, but simply to listen and commiserate. I’m thankful that he’s teachable 😉
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insanitybytes22 said:
Good point about the importance of active listening. Also, being teachable. I think a big part of why I am still married is that hubby and I are both teachable, we can adapt and respond to one another. If one is totally set in their ways and knows everything, there is little room for anyone else.
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auroraroschen said:
Agreed. I think being able to “conflict” well is a vital skill for a couple in marriage… Not that I can personally speak from experience… Yet!
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insanitybytes22 said:
Conflict, yes so important! I was thinking more along the lines of accommodation. Can you adjust to the needs of another? A bit funny, one of our greatest challenges is that I need cream for my coffee.:-)
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Debbie L said:
Love this post! WOW, what great insight….after 42 years with my hubby, I’m just now realizing those words probably have never passed his lips! LOL. I’m now paying attention.
But what I want to reinforce and say you are so right on is that men want to be respected and women want to be loved. I heard the best teaching on this: “Nevertheless, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33
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