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Dearest SEO Spammer,

As enchanted as I am by the opportunity to increase my blog hits by 500, I must decline your gracious offer. You see, I am an extremely paranoid blogger who much prefers to just exist in relative obscurity, forever lurking in the backwoods of the intertoobz, just quietly observing all the other insane people.

Did you ever see Conspiracy Theory, Mel Gibson, Julia Roberts, 1997? Yes, well I call that a “documentary” and I just hate eyeball scans. Also, I am still extremely annoyed with Peter Travers of Rolling Stone for his negative review,Β “The strong impact that Gibson makes as damaged goods is diluted by selling Jerry as cute and redeemable.”

Listen buddy, Jerry is cute and redeemable.

Search Engine Optimization is just not my thing. I am not really concerned about my page ranking within the Google. In fact, I have Googled myself on a few occasions and I am greatly encouraged to discover that I am actually a lawyer living in San Francisco or perhaps a real estate mogul back East. Regardless, it is somewhat comforting discovering I am not quite who I think I am and that Google has the real, authentic scoop on me.

Did I mention all the photos? Oo la la, I am also quite gorgeous.

I will never go viral. I will never be Freshly Pressed. I will never even become “recommended.” Nope, I am doomed to remain forever cloaked in the nether regions of the internet, hiding from the Google Men in Black. If there is anything worse than alphabet people from our own government, it is alphabet people from a big corporation. Disney I hear, is downright fascist. You’ll notice there are no pictures of Disney princesses on this site. Those guys Β tend to hunt you down with some stalking skills that would probably put the NSA to shame.

Obviously I am not terribly good at all this cloak and dagger stuff. I am one of those crazy people who may have the right to remain silent, but certainly no ability to actually do so. It’s more in my nature to just pre-emptively, pre-confess to the pre-crime unit.

That’s probably why I blog. So, I may never reach a million hits a month, but on the other hand, I take comfort in the fact that if THEY really want me, THEY will have to actually work for it.