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What do bored bloggers do when they are suffering from ennui and looking for inspiration? Well, some of us read our spam. Those of us who are a bit twisted, actually respond to our spam.

Consider this lovely man who attempts to charm and seduce me, seeking a long romance… or at least seeking a payment of 19.95.

Hi, i am Abdul.

IF you would like to be first encounter a handsome arab man….


Dearest Abdul,

I am enchanted, delighted, charmed by your kind offer. Also, to be the first to encounter a handsome Arab man holds a certain amount of appeal. Nothing is more seductive than the thought of becoming “the first,” in just about any area of life. Unfortunately I do not believe you. I’m terribly sorry, but I’m afraid you are just shining me. I cannot possibly be the first to encounter a handsome Arab man. I’ve read Arabian Nights.

A woman I know quite likes handsome Arab men, and tells me they are so poetic and have deep brown eyes. I should forward your kind invitation to her. She might be more inclined to forgive me for quipping, “have you been reading your spam again?” I did not intend to offend, there is often a certain appeal to the poetry of poor translation that just leaves so much to the imagination. I get that. All you base are belong to us? 1989, Zero Wing, a legendary international romance indeed.

The truth of the matter is that I actually have a limited amount of time and energy. You see, I’ve already committed myself to playing Natasha Fatale on the Rocky and Bullwinkle show. I don’t quite understand this game, but apparently Boris, our Russian hacker, has been running about planting fake news and my job is to find them and just close my eyes and feel the music. The point of this game still eludes me, but I have been assured that romance and propaganda go hand in hand, so just as you might whisper sweet nothings into someone’s ear and render them powerless to resist your charms, you can also actually seduce someone with a fake news story.

I am like a hound on the hunt, I tell you. Sadly I wasted a great deal of time yesterday studying photographs of some tape on the back of a tie, desperately seeking the subliminal messages hidden in that story, before I realized, wait a minute, this is not fake news at all, this is US journalism at it’s finest! Well shoot!

To add insult to injury I than followed a story about a certain president elect’s son who was spotted in a burger joint actually drinking lemonade out of the water cup. For those who don’t know, that’s a Very Bad Thing. They hand you a free cup for water, soda you must pay for. It’s simply shameful to put soda in a cup intended for water. That’s like slipping a few extra ketchup packets and some napkins in your pocket, two things I would know nothing about. Totally disgraceful, but alas, probably not planted news from a handsome Russian hacker.

Stalking Boris is simply becoming more time-consuming than I thought. There are so many other imposters in this cloak and dagger show, and I find myself pressed for time. Forgive me, but there is simply no way I can take on an Abdul at the moment.

Just the same, thank you for your kind offer,