I’m thinking of writing a novel, sure to be a great success because the formula is in such high demand these days. I’m going to call it “Trainwreck” because I like trains and kittens and long walks on the beach, but trains mostly.
It will go something like this, I am a mommy blogger, a faith-based mommy blogger, a marriage expert, and an expert on all things female. I spend about a decade or so pretty much telling women they are doing motherhood all wrong, and marriage wrong, too. And faith. Oh heck, God himself is wrong about more than a few things.
After about a decade or so, I’ll begin to notice how annoying my husband is becoming, his breathing mostly, the relentless sound of his breathing, the toilet seat up, the dirty glass on the counter, his complete and total lack of attractiveness that has now driven us apart, destroyed any chance of intimacy. Months will go by and then years, and than…. infidelity, his of course, because I am simply too busy blogging about my own virtue and endless capacity for forgiveness and how we healed our marriage, mostly through my own generous efforts.
My husband, post affair, now contrite, sensitive…..grows more and more repulsive everyday. I’ll blog long screeds about the value of chores, about how if the man would just do more housework, chore-play, perhaps he would begin to grow on me…..not unlike a toenail fungus.
But wait! It is not over yet, I shall have a sudden epiphany, a rare moment of self-awareness and realize the sexual orientation I was born with, is not really the sexual orientation I was born with, I have been living a lie all this time. Or perhaps not a lie at all, perhaps it is a choice, maybe I am actually a straight woman attracted to lesbians! That’s it, I am an entirely new sexual orientation altogether! I am a straight woman lesbian. It’s not my fault, I was born this way.
Of course I shall not run off with my best friend, that would be rather boring, but instead I will run off with the wealthiest, most powerful, most famous, most public lesbian I can find. Ellen perhaps, she’s on the TV. My obsessive compulsive disorder disorder will just dance so well with her own addiction issues. Demons play so well together, donja know. We’ll live happily ever after, shaking our head about the foolishness of men and their icky boy cooties.
If I still need to fill more chapters, I’ll simply break up with Ellen, that sexual experiment gone awry when I realize I am actually a straight-woman-not-lesbian, mostly attracted to Buddhist poets with large trust funds. Again, not my fault, I was born this way.
I’ll write this novel and it will instantly become a best seller. A total work of fiction, but who cares? Oprah will call me up and cry, the critics will call me brave, so brave! So courageous, so vulnerable, so honest, so willing to risk it all putting it out there, so ground breaking. They’ll call me self-aware too, and as vain and self-absorbed as I am…..I’ll still snort soda out of my nose every time I hear that whopper.
Truth or fiction? It’s truth, it’s a sad commentary on our culture, a keen awareness of what we truly value, what we perceive as entertaining. It’s a formula sure to get you labeled “epic, astonishing,” and place you on the NY Times best seller list. Eat, Pray, Love and now Glennon Doyle Melton, authoress of “Love Warrior.” Blogging diva of momastery.
Wapo begins, “Christian author Glennon Doyle Melton…..She is dating again, her new partner is a woman and that woman is celebrity soccer champ Abby Wambach.”
Heterosexuals these days, so boring, so flat, so…unwanted and unecessary.
SandySays1 said:
Understand that you have a much better chance of making an NFL roster than getting it on BS (best seller) list. I trying to meet someone that isn’t writing one these days. LOL
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insanitybytes22 said:
Lol! Quite true, I’m afraid. I had to stop reading things off the best seller list, because they tend to frustrate me. My football career is probably not going to get off the ground either, although there have been some good times, playing in the park with friends and family.:-)
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SandySays1 said:
Try reading The Cross on Cotton Creek – it will uplift your spirits-
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ColorStorm said:
‘Out of the abytes……….’ Or is is abyss? Or is it Africa?
Need a volunteer for a suitable forward? Call 1-800-preface. Whether you use it or not is another story. lol
I guess there is a reason soap operas have a long shelf life. It’s not all nonsense. And you could spin a tale that would keep the likes of Dr. Phil on edge and asking for more.
Bur please take this advice msB: stay away from Howard Stern and the View! 😉
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insanitybytes22 said:
Ha! The View. They sound like chickens, don’t they? Many people in these parts start making clucking sounds when they come on the tv.
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ColorStorm said:
You may want to apologize to the cackling two footed feathered friends ib!
I’m afraid it’s more like a hyena fest on believers road kill. With apologies to good laughter everywhere!! lol
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insanitybytes22 said:
Ha! 🙂
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irtfyblog said:
Ahh…IB…you touched on a topic I wanted so desperately to write about, and you did it with such prose and elegance! thank you…thank you….thank you!
Every time I hear or read about someone else in the world calling themselves a “christian” and committing deplorable acts of unrighteousness I am angered by it and reminded of the warnings in verses such as Romans 1, James 4, Genesis 35:2, Joshua 24:14, Ezekiel 43:9, Ephesians 2:3 and 4:2, First Thes. 4:5, First Peter 1:14, 2:11 & 4:2-3, and Psalm 73.
There is a world filled with people who think their freedom in Jesus gives them the right to use it as a covering for evil, but they are not aware of their ignorance, nor do they understand their folly.
If you were to write the book you suggest, it might be wise to add a chapter that discusses that very topic. 😉
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thank you, irtfy. I’m glad you can see some of these things too, because they make me crazy. This kind of thing hasn’t just been normalized, it’s been glorified and celebrated. Unseen or unnoticed is all the harm being done, the suffering and grief being caused. There’s kids in this story, and a man left behind, an than the hundreds of thousands of people who are watching.
I’m all about trainwrecks and grace and redemption, but that doesn’t mean we run about claiming it’s good to wreck the train.
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Julie (aka Cookie) said:
Oh my gosh, I am laughing out loud for no one to hear but the cat at this current moment!
Excellent my friend, excellent…!!!!
But the sad thing is that I should most likely be crying over the shear magnitude of truth in your tongue and cheek parody….
a truly sad and extremely ridiculous state of affairs we are in—
write on, write on IB…for your novel, clocked in reality, is the sickness of our times!!
A best seller indeed!!!
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thanks for laughing with me. It’s tragic, isn’t it? Still it’s good to laugh and not take the world’s silliness so seriously.:-)
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newenglandsun said:
If it’s a fantasy novel, some might mistake it for reality.
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TT said:
Careful…. 🙂
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MJThompson said:
That’ll sell…. but I much prefer your free stuff! LOL – God bless you, sister.
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TT said:
The thing about homosexuality, I just can’t understand why every gay person I have had contact with (which does not include that many people) have tried to be “normal.” I also don’t understand why they are always trying to convert me.
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theancients said:
Remember from Mitch’s post, including Girl in the title increases your chances of making it on the bestsellers list.
So, when Trainwreck Girl(s) become a major bestseller, I’ll split my 1% with Mitch.
https://mitchteemley.com/2016/04/28/all-books-without-girl-in-title-banned-2/
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insanitybytes22 said:
LOL! Ahh, such words of wisdom! Thanks for reminding me about the “girl” part.
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Salvageable said:
Congratulations–you have invented a new gender. Straight Woman Lesbian. I sense a support group about to form. Then of course the rallies, the parades, the protests… J.
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Pastor Randy said:
Another great work of wit, wisdom and sarcasm, or is the word satire? Anyways, great words and thoughts. I am called “hateful” because I cannot accept the view (born gay) that has neither theological or scientific proof, even though I accept and have gay friends. Amazing how a view can be so widely accepted without any foundation. Blessings, sister!
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lovetotsy said:
Ain’t that about some doodoo? Just out here living all willy nilly. I’m gonna do you one better. I’m gonna marry a goat. We’re gonna kiss on the mouth in public and go on YouTube to express our love. I’d have to write for him on paper and hold up one at a time ’cause I’m the boss. Oh heck, may as well make it a female goat!
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insanitybytes22 said:
Ha! So nice to hear from you and your charming sense of humor.
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Rebecca LuElla Miller said:
You did say trainwreck, didn’t you. Well, you nailed it!
Becky
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insanitybytes22 said:
Indeed! Total train wreck.:-)
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Rebecca LuElla Miller said:
I just clicked on the links you put in the post, and it’s as bad as you described. I am shaking my head. I can’t believe these poor, poor women. You just wonder what went wrong.
Becky
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insanitybytes22 said:
I hear you, Becky. It’s even more tragic in the sense that they are ministering to people, that they are representing Christ. So, it’s okay to be broken, it’s okay to be a trainwreck, we have a Great Physician full of mercy who can heal anything. What’s not okay is trying to claim that God approves of our mess or wishes us to remain in that state.
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Rebecca LuElla Miller said:
Exactly! It’s so awful that they use such language of tolerance and love and claim to speak from some deep place of faith. I want to shake them and say, but have you repented? Do you know the holy God you talk about? It’s so sad.
Becky
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scase said:
Haha I love this. It’s so surreal, so nauseating and so perplexing to me how people just eat this stuff up… deception at its finest. And meanwhile the truth isn’t cool enough or edgy enough to get anyone’s attention…
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Jenn said:
LOL – I loved your post! I could not stop reading and it made me cringe at the irony of everyday life! I love it – I would read your book!
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thanks 🙂
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thegreatlifeofwife said:
This. Was. Amazing!! Omg. Great post. Very, very funny. So glad this came up in my search.
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Socks Are Not Food said:
My husband is an author, too! I say go for it!
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