I’m thinking of writing a novel, sure to be a great success because the formula is in such high demand these days. I’m going to call it “Trainwreck” because I like trains and kittens and long walks on the beach, but trains mostly.
It will go something like this, I am a mommy blogger, a faith-based mommy blogger, a marriage expert, and an expert on all things female. I spend about a decade or so pretty much telling women they are doing motherhood all wrong, and marriage wrong, too. And faith. Oh heck, God himself is wrong about more than a few things.
After about a decade or so, I’ll begin to notice how annoying my husband is becoming, his breathing mostly, the relentless sound of his breathing, the toilet seat up, the dirty glass on the counter, his complete and total lack of attractiveness that has now driven us apart, destroyed any chance of intimacy. Months will go by and then years, and than…. infidelity, his of course, because I am simply too busy blogging about my own virtue and endless capacity for forgiveness and how we healed our marriage, mostly through my own generous efforts.
My husband, post affair, now contrite, sensitive…..grows more and more repulsive everyday. I’ll blog long screeds about the value of chores, about how if the man would just do more housework, chore-play, perhaps he would begin to grow on me…..not unlike a toenail fungus.
But wait! It is not over yet, I shall have a sudden epiphany, a rare moment of self-awareness and realize the sexual orientation I was born with, is not really the sexual orientation I was born with, I have been living a lie all this time. Or perhaps not a lie at all, perhaps it is a choice, maybe I am actually a straight woman attracted to lesbians! That’s it, I am an entirely new sexual orientation altogether! I am a straight woman lesbian. It’s not my fault, I was born this way.
Of course I shall not run off with my best friend, that would be rather boring, but instead I will run off with the wealthiest, most powerful, most famous, most public lesbian I can find. Ellen perhaps, she’s on the TV. My obsessive compulsive disorder disorder will just dance so well with her own addiction issues. Demons play so well together, donja know. We’ll live happily ever after, shaking our head about the foolishness of men and their icky boy cooties.
If I still need to fill more chapters, I’ll simply break up with Ellen, that sexual experiment gone awry when I realize I am actually a straight-woman-not-lesbian, mostly attracted to Buddhist poets with large trust funds. Again, not my fault, I was born this way.
I’ll write this novel and it will instantly become a best seller. A total work of fiction, but who cares? Oprah will call me up and cry, the critics will call me brave, so brave! So courageous, so vulnerable, so honest, so willing to risk it all putting it out there, so ground breaking. They’ll call me self-aware too, and as vain and self-absorbed as I am…..I’ll still snort soda out of my nose every time I hear that whopper.
Truth or fiction? It’s truth, it’s a sad commentary on our culture, a keen awareness of what we truly value, what we perceive as entertaining. It’s a formula sure to get you labeled “epic, astonishing,” and place you on the NY Times best seller list. Eat, Pray, Love and now Glennon Doyle Melton, authoress of “Love Warrior.” Blogging diva of momastery.
Wapo begins, “Christian author Glennon Doyle Melton…..She is dating again, her new partner is a woman and that woman is celebrity soccer champ Abby Wambach.”
Heterosexuals these days, so boring, so flat, so…unwanted and unecessary.