Everybody wants to be loved, preferably crazy, insane, romantic love that accepts you flaws an all. That is the frosting on the cake, that’s what sends us soaring to places we’ve never been before and plunging into despair. That kind of love can also be fleeting and elusive.
What people really want is a recognition of their humanity, all people, men and women. We want to be recognized for who we are, to be seen, acknowledged, and treated accordingly. We wish to be identified as a member of the human race, as having value and worth all of our own, not dependent on our usefulness to others.
When it comes to “entitlement,” this is the one and only thing I believe people are genuinely entitled to. Call it being entitled to respect due to your basic humanity. But…..epic fail, because entitled or not, other humans tend to make a sport out of attempting to dehumanize each other. So, while we may be entitled to having our humanity recognized, chances are pretty good that it won’t always happen.
Some people like to say respect is earned, that when we first encounter people we exist in a kind of neutral, somewhat indifferent to them. I don’t buy it, respect is a given and indifference is actually a softer version of contempt. Respect is not earned, disrespect is. Loyalty, admiration, those things can be earned, but respect should be a given, the baseline everyone starts out with, simply as a recognition of each other’s humanity.
The fact that the world seldom plays the game this way, is evidence of a broken world full of broken people, often in a defensive and wounded stance. Let me deviate from my usual empathy here and say, I don’t give a crap. It does not matter what life has done to you, what your wounding is, what your biases are, being respectful towards other people’s humanity is a requirement, a mandate if you will. It’s not all about you. Other people are entitled to your respect, simply by virtue of their common humanity.
Everybody is on a journey and we haven’t walked in their shoes, so we have no idea what they’ve experienced, encountered, why they act the way they do. If we had been on their path, chances are pretty good we would have fouled things up even worse.
Something I really dislike seeing is ostracizing, bullying, demeaning, and shaming people. It doesn’t matter if it’s coming from church ladies clucking in disapproval or middle school mean girls sub-texting passive aggressive tweets.
People are forever trying to dominate each other, competing for the position of top dog. What the world really needs is less attempted domination and more leadership that takes the moral initiative.
From a Christian perspective, that is exactly what Christ did, took the moral initiative and led The Way.
****Repost from September 2015
See, there's this thing called biology... 
Well said!
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Interesting commentary IB. I like the concept. That said I separate the person and their actions. I often relate human behaviour to what I have found works well in business – solely because it is the area with which I am the most familiar. My experience with reward systems has made it clear to me that the best systems are two pronged. Each employee should share in the success or failure of the company – that would equate to respecting humanity. So regardless of personal performance, when the company does well, every employee should benefit. That is your basic human respect – you and me and all of us are a part of a whole and for that we are important. Then there is the personal behavior and actions – the second component. The choices we make as they affect others. In the company that portion of a reward is assessed by how well the employee aligns with company values and goals plus the effort and productivity they exert in that direction. That, to me equates to earned respect for actions.
So, to recap, when i meet anyone, they get my respect as a human, as a child of God. And, in fact I look for the face of God in each person I meet. Then I watch and learn about how they interact and I give them more or less respect based on whether I perceive them to be acting in a moral and ethical manner that is in keeping with the actions of a person of God (the obvious flaw in this is that it is me making the judgement- I find that necessary so I don’t get caught in the old “But you knew it was a snake when you picked it up…” conundrum). If I could find a way to avoid judging at all I would however I do find it necessary upon occasion. Mind you I do this far less than many – for I find that many actions and activities do not need to be judged, but some must.
Great post IB. Thank You.
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Very thought provoking. My mind is in overdrive processing what you’ve said and it always comes back to the bit “what people really want is recognition of their humanity”. Very true. It’s why it gets plastered all over, for everyone to see.
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Totally agree with you here, especially that respect should be the default mode we apply to each other as part of our shared humanity. It’s just not the case though in today’s society where demonization of a person based on their political beliefs, religion, income level etc… is the automatic reaction. Sad really.
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“Some people like to say respect is earned… I don’t buy it, respect is a given … Loyalty, admiration, those things can be earned, but respect should be a given, the baseline everyone starts out with, simply as a recognition of each other’s humanity.”
In light of God’s command to husbands to love their wives and for wives to respect their husbands, I have always thought it interesting that as a society, we tend to think that love should be unconditional but respect should be earned. How can men love their wives if wives believe their husbands have to earn their respect? I imagine this is a key part of the breakdown in marriage – wives feeling entitled to unconditional love, all the while withholding respect until it is “earned.”
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“I imagine this is a key part of the breakdown in marriage – wives feeling entitled to unconditional love, all the while withholding respect until it is “earned.”
Amen! You nailed it. To make it really insidious, men need respect in order to even feel loved. To make matters worse, unconditional love is something God has for us and perhaps parents have for their children, but in relationships between adults, love is symbiotic, conditional, it relies on cause and effect.
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“To make matters worse, unconditional love is something God has for us and perhaps parents have for their children, but in relationships between adults, love is symbiotic, conditional, it relies on cause and effect.”
I presume that “love is symbiotic, conditional, it relies on cause and effect” is stating the reality of the human condition. However, there is no doubt that God expects husbands to love their wives unconditionally, and wives to respect and submit to their husbands unconditionally.
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‘How can men love their wives if wives believe their husbands have to earn their respect? I imagine this is a key part of the breakdown in marriage – wives feeling entitled to unconditional love, all the while withholding respect until it is “earned.”’
The Bible tells husbands to love their wives unconditionally. There is no exception for flaws or failures. Men can only do this perfectly through the power of God, but men are human and will fail to do this, disobeying God in the process.
In the same fashion, wives are told to respect (and submit to) their husbands unconditionally. There is no exception for flaws or failures. If wives only respect their husbands according to their judgment of their husband’s performance, then they are disobeying God’s command.
It is interesting that there is seldom, if ever, complaint by husbands about their charge to love their wives unconditionally, but there is usually a great outcry by many wives (and often ex-wives) when there is teaching or discussion about their charge to respect and submit to their husbands unconditionally.
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Yes, this was my point exactly!
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Nice. I think marriage love is meant by God to be as close as humans can come to unconditional love. Maybe we only flub it up by putting the passion condition on what we want from our spouses and never allowing for their failures in that area. If that makes sense… I’m not communicating clearly enough here. But this brings to mind a conversation I was involved in a couple of weeks ago when a coworker told me he was considering what was marriage really for and if it could ever be really worth it. He sounded pretty lost saying the phrase, “what’s it really for” several times. But my answer despite its nothing like what I have ever had from men is that its for having a partner in life that would never treat you as disposable, they take you and they keep you flaws and all and you take them and you keep them flaws and all and you work it out together over the long haul. It often won’t look like the version of “unconditional love” that people think they are looking for but it is the version we should be looking for. It is similar to the version people think they want, but it is real. It factors in the fact that none of us is perfect. We all fall short. But we all still get our lifetime lover if both people are seeking to draw closer to God and to learn his glory, rather than only seeking the self-serving nature of alluded to in the very definition of the word eros.
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Btw, although I’m sure can imagine that this is not something I normally say, I think God gave me a dream on the topic of romantic love recently. A dream of hope and comfort. It’s not that I think He has promised me anything, at least not what it would seem if I could describe the dream and the feelings. I think He was showing me hope for my own healing and my own future capability.
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Ahh, I love that, a dream of romantic love, of hope and comfort. He has done that to me too, and it really is a promise, a covenant of protection, safety, of being delighted in by our heavenly Father. He is well pleased with you in some way. We are daughters of a Most High King, indeed.
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Yes, truly, respect should be a ” given” but disloyalty and a lot of other negatives are earned. Christ respects each of us despite our humanity or maybe because of our humanity.
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