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Real Clear Politics, in an article called exactly that, Womanhood is an Election Issue, has completely failed to interview me as the designated spokesperson for all things female, or at least all things perched precariously on the edge of an emotional cliff. This slight will not go unnoticed, I assure you. One might even call me the Ms America of the Feminine Abyss of Dark Places, so to fail to consult with me before writing this bit of fluff is a grave error. Very foolish indeed, since womanhood scorned in my neck of the woods has been known to surgically remove your face from family photos with cuticle scissors, while simultaneously dragging your clothes into the middle of the street and setting them on fire.

Just saying.

Let us begin with the first sentence, “It is hopelessly retro, but perhaps unsurprising, that womanhood has become a prominent issue in the presidential race. This has to be bad for Donald Trump, a hall-of-shame sexist — and good for Hillary Clinton, an actual woman.”

Well now, hold up here! Is not the entire notion of gender now nothing more than a social construct? Have we not completely erased all biological markers of gender and written an entirely new language that revolves exclusively around the subjective reality of the non heteronormative and un-cisgendered? If we are truly electing an actual  woman here, how am I supposed to even know that?

How can I tell if the Shrieking-Banshee-of-All-Things-Deceptive is actually a woman, if I am unable to look for any biological markers?

Just saying.

“The Clinton campaign is already running a powerful ad in which Trump’s voice utters a string of sexist comments while the viewer sees images of young women.”

Yes, yes I have seen it, crass and appalling things said in his very own words. I believe the article refers to Trump as a, “Hall of Shame Sexist.” Believe it or not, as an actual woman who does indeed also self identify as female, that does not bother me nearly as much as some of the Christian conservative response to Donald Trump. Not all mind you, perhaps only 20% of the most prominently and well-known ideological TV spokesmen. Just the same, even my own illogical womanhood, even my vast and boundless ability to rationalize the most elusive paradox, just cannot seem to follow the logic here.

Vote Trump, your very salvation depends on it? Let me bang the gong on that one this instant. That is actually rather blasphemous, so don’t say it ever, even in jest.

So, now it is vitally important that you cast your vote for the man who has been married 3 times, brags about his many adulterous affairs, calls women sluts and fatties, claims he does not believe in the need for forgiveness and redemption, because if you don’t support this man…. the culture will go astray and begin to embrace sexual immorality and crass vulgarity, including homosexuality?

Not to put too fine of a point on it, but you have just laid the moral upper hand down in the middle of the street and invited people to spend the next twenty years backing over it and burning off gleefully. The culture war has just died a sudden and unexpected death, killed by her own kin, now to be forever buried  in Ye Grand Olde American cemetery, right along side Logic and Common Sense.

If you needed a sound argument against sexual immorality, abortion, homosexuality, you could have just pointed to Jesus Christ, pointed to His word, but you didn’t, instead you pointed us to…. Donald Trump.

Donald Trump! As the facebook meme goes, “a super calous fragilistic extra special braggadocios.” I’ll tell you who wins this election, Mary Poppins wins. For those still wandering aimlessly about the intertoobz declaring, “identity Trumps ideology,” rubbish! Wordsmithery trumps all. Wordsmithery and Mary Poppins.

“A super calous fragilistic extra special braggadocious.” Yep, pretty much.

Now least anyone think I commit heresy against their designated “God-Emperor-Trump,” (I did not make that up, people are actually calling him that,) this is not an endorsement of the Shrieking-Banshee-of-All-Things-Deceptive, whose voice is like nails on a chalkboard, conjuring up unpleasant memories of either a nagging wife or Mommy Dearest.

So, as the designated Ms America of the Feminine Abyss of Dark Places, I rather resent not being interviewed for this piece called, “womanhood is an election issue.” Yes, yes I know it is, but as of yet, I am undecided about which is worse, having all of womanhood reduced to being called fat and slutty? Or having all of womanhood reduced to, “don’t vote for him, he called you fat and slutty?” This, this is what we have reduced womanhood to? I mean come now, it’s only the future of Western civilization that is at stake, and for such a time as this, we simply turn to all of womanhood and say, So, which candidate is more likely to call you fat?