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I am you know, a stalker. We all are in the internet age, in fact, metaphorical voyeurs. For the first time in history, we have the ability to document our lives as if we were all celebrities. We’ve actually become our own paparazzi. We tweet, face book, you tube, blog, anything to be seen by the world, to make ourselves known.

I however, am a dinosaur. I was stalking people long before social media, back when 1796703_10152272469376255_263174264_ncomputers were huge and it took 15 minutes to get a dial up. I mostly stalked book authors. Before anybody gets any ideas about creepers, I mean “stalking” in the gentlest of ways. I am after all a girl, and not a Stephan King’s “Misery” kind of girl. If I were Kathy Bates, I would have passed out when those bones crunched.

Speaking of Stephen King, the first rule of stalking is, “never stalk somebody scarier than you are.” This thought came to my mind yesterday when I was chatting with some random dude calling himself “HannibalLector26”. As much as I love a charming cannibalistic serial killer…..killing people and eating them is really not my thing.

I am so not creepy. In case I have not played the girl card enough, I’m a bit of a wimp. I’m also easily distracted (squirrel!) It is also hard to develop a proper obsession over a celebrity when you have attention deficit disorder and an inability to concentrate. Speaking of which, Johnny Depp was just caught in a public display of affection. Naturally, I perused all the photos….

thOne time I nearly took my stalking too far. We have so many cops in my town, you can’t help but get followed around. I don’t know what’s wrong with our world, but in the olden days we had three cops. These days they seem to outnumber our citizens. Anyway, I once got into a snit and decided to follow them around for a change. Hey, I’m a citizen, I pay taxes. I think I may have made them a bit nervous, but I’m not sure. The forth time we went through the espresso stand, the caffeine was starting to make us all jumpy. So the second rule of stalking, “don’t go after armed men hyped up on testosterone and caffeine.”

Sometimes I wonder if I should apologize to my “victims,” but in all honesty, I just can’t. I’ve simply enjoyed it too much and hopefully not rattled too many cages. I really do try to be polite. That brings us to the third rule of stalking, “Be polite and you’ll never have to apologize.”

****Repost from 2014

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