I was so blessed as a kid, I had access to some very old books and no access to TV or movies at all. Other things in my life were far from perfect, but I did manage to get my hands on some really marvelous reading material. So I read some very old manuscripts, Nancy Drew before she became politically correct, the Wizard of Oz, and fairytales, the old-fashioned kind where life is full of struggle and true love’s kiss comes at a great price, entwined with sacrifice, hardship, and hopefully, some dragon slaying….
To this day I grieve the Disney-fication of fairytales, the superficiality of love, and the total blasphemy of my beloved Nancy Drews. Life has been so sanitized we’ve lost the lessons woven in those old tales and with them, the essence of what it means to be human.
I often feel as if I need to clarify this, especially when I speak of marriage being like a fairytale, because it honors all those girlhood dreams of love and romance, dreams that really have come true for me. I got exactly what I asked for, but there’s a caveat there, life is messy, authentic fairytales can be emotionally intense, and we aren’t speaking of the kid-safe Disney version here. All in good humor, but life is more like the original version of the Little Mermaid where the prince runs off with a foreign princess and she just throws herself into the sea. Or perhaps like the Red Shoes where she pays the wood-cutter to chop off her feet so she isn’t forced to dance anymore.
I struggle to write real life marriage tales sometimes, partially because my husband is wonderful and I don’t wish to imply he isn’t and partially for privacy reasons. There are two of us in this relationship and I am not in the habit of sharing stories that belong to him. However, I’ve read a few blogs today and decided there is one tale I should tell having to do with envy, keeping up with the Joneses, and comparing ourself to others.
My husband has a friend, a mentor, what ever you call him, his go to man, someone he admires. They watch baseball together, or chat or do whatever guys do. If there is any tension in our house, if hubby needs some space, that’s where he goes. A few years back I noticed some words (don’t women always notice words?) Words like, “his wife always gets up and makes him lunch. His wife never argues with him. His wife always makes sure the dishes are done. His wife doesn’t complain….
At first it was somewhat amusing but eventually it started to get downright irritating. In between snapping at him, I tried to explain that what works for their family is not what works for our family. That comparing ourselves to others will just make us miserable. That I am simply incapable of cooking a five course meal after work everyday.
To make matters worse, the 3 of them were kind of an exclusive club, so I was not included in any of these social activities with Mr. and Mrs. Perfect. I was definitely outside of the group. It eventually became quite a struggle to communicate gracefully and not simply snap out something sarcastic like, if you think she’s so wonderful, why don’t you just go marry her yourself?
So when all else fails, prayer, submission. That should be our first choice but it seldom is, it’s usually the place of last resort. Being a sweet, gentle spirit, I calmly shrieked, “Lord, I am married to a defective unit and I need you to fix this blasted man before I kill him.” God already knows how I am, so my prayers don’t always begin so Holy, but immediately I felt Him, His presence, His peace, and He began to calm me down and instruct me on how to pray. I was soon letting go completely, trusting that if there was anything wrong in my husband’s heart it wasn’t my problem, it wasn’t my job to fix it. I could completely let it go and trust that the Lord would handle it. Trust that the Lord would handle it and smile. For a while I had stopped smiling and in prayer that is exactly what God told me to do, trust that the Lord would handle it and smile more.
Sure enough, the more I smiled the better I felt.
About a week later hubby went over to his friend’s house for what was supposed to be an afternoon, game day or something. He surprised me by coming home about 45 minutes later, looking very sad. “She left him last night,” he said, “took everything and just disappeared.”
“I thought she was the perfect wife,” he said sadly and without a drop of envy my heart simply broke, sad about that loss of idealism, about broken dreams and broken hearts, about the death of fairytales, about a little boy I married who once thought he had found the Holy Grail of all perfect marriages.
So that is how I came to offer comfort to my husband and to console him when he lost his perfect wife.
See, there's this thing called biology... 
Nice job on the grace Memi!
Wonder who you learned Grace from!😏👍🕊
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Well hello there ms bytes.
The perfect wife. Now that’s subject to interpretation. lol. Loved the part about ‘privacy’ and especially ‘showing no envy,’ and surely your Mr. (upon further review……….to borrow the sports metaphor) wishes he had not seen such ‘perfection’ at your expense. Yet, even in that, he knew she could not hold a candle to you; he was enjoying someone else’s opinion for a minute or two. He fell for the flattery of his trusted friend! 😉
Things always look a certain way today……..maybe tomorrow, but next week? Ah yes, time alters things when our perception is challenged. Thankfully, you know the ups and downs of human nature, and can only smile at the stability of God’s word…..there is that heart thing.
And knowing you a bit, I’m certain that stung……..that perfect stuff, but great balm came from that in the household. As it should. (Hope you will show this post to the Mr; and the following quality observations from others that will give him a glimpse into some rare jewels.)
Great thoughts here.
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Kind of exemplifies the bromide “Be careful what you wish for.” I love your posts and agree most times, but one word of caution. Relationships are very individual situations … to assign “proper” roles to either sex is as bad as the PC cesspool many of us wish would go away. The right roles in a relationship are the ones that satisfy each members needs and happiness.
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Really interesting. I loved the part about God knowing how you are. That’s a frankness most people lack with God.
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Oh our human thoughts. They get is every time. A great post!
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Comparison is a blot to joy.
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How gracious of God to comfort you by restoring your . . . what? Contentment? Maybe even joy? Anyway, that allowed you to be the comfort your husband needed. Such a beautiful illustration. Thank you for bringing this story into the open because it gives us all a chance to see, yet again, how good God is. Thank your hubby, too.
Becky
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See now, that’s the impression I get from God all the time. There have been some recent recurring problems in my life that are one of’s – the problem is that there are so many and they stretch over more categories than I can enumerate. My friend who lives in the same complex has been having some of those problems too (issues with the building and maintenance and such) but not the medical issues i have on top of it all. He asked me the other day how it is that I can remain so calm and positive in the face of such difficulties. i reminded him of the story of Job and that even personally we have “bad” days where all that happens is negative but it is all random negatives, and we have plans to deal with the major ones – the others will resolve themselves. I used a quote from one of your posts that really struck me – God did not make us to suffer, he made us to rejoice and enjoy. This isn’t his work to dismay us – perhaps to help us with Grace but more likely it is just the machinations of the physical world as it rolls along. What we make of what we have been given defines us.
Which brings me around to the next question: if you think your personal world is righter when you just smile and tend to your own issues, then wouldn’t that also be true of the violent Christians that you struggle with online every day? Just grin and let them implode.
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Sorry for the troubles, Paul. I am so grateful that you can just keep your eyes on Him and walk through them with some calm, with His peace that surpasses all understanding. That is real blessing to those who are around you. I look for people like you to keep my eyes on because you show the rest of us what is possible. God really does want good things for us, He wants us to prosper as our souls prosper.
You’re quite right about just smiling and tending to your own issues and letting go of the out come in other people. For some reason on this issue I am called to engage. Not sure why.
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If you can sit with a cup of tea and honestly weigh this and say that you are called to address the antics on the web – then so be it. I learned a long time ago that God acts only in Love and there will be those who are called to act the opposite of others to provide that love. It seems to be one of the hallmarks of God’s direct involvement that He will have us all running in different directions and in the end everything comes together perfectly. Here is an example from my trucking annals = I am in no way suggesting anyone do this as it is illegal and it is not “right” but it satisfied all the “rules” while breaking them all – and was not unsafe, allbeit very irregular. I was hauling a container with an important load that was very light weight. (P.S. If you husband has trucked ask him about this – most older drivers have done it or seen it done) I had a tight schedule to meet a ship in New Jersey at the Port Authority. I pulled into the first westbound service plaza on I-90, just past where I-495 joins in Boston, to grab a sandwich to go. On the way out, I checked the tires, as usual, and found to my dismay that the old Sealand container trailer had two flat tires side by side on the same axle. I didn’t have time to wait for a service truck or I would miss the ship going overseas. i couldn’t drive on the tires because the continual flexing of the rubber would either destroy the tires or heat them enough to catch fire. Besides, the troopers would stop me as soon as they saw the flat tires. So, I couldn’t wait and i couldn’t go. I pondered this for a few minutes until the answer popped. I Got out my jack and jacked the axle with the two flat tires so the tires were just touching the ground, looking the same as all the others. Then I took a chain and chained the axle to the trailer frame, locking the tires at the right height. Next I backed off the brakes (they would drag the tires with no weight on them). I was not concerned with braking as the container had less than 30% of its allowed weight, so the remaining 16 wheels of brakes were fine for any stopping situation. I put away the tools and drove the rest of the way to new Jersey without incident. the container made its ship and I reported the tires issue to the terminal to be repaired.
My point with this story is that the rules are : 1) no driving on flat tires; 2) no being seen driving on flat tires; 3)no running with disconnected brakes. It would appear that there was no way to continue and yet I got it there safely, on time and with the tires intact. Sometimes the right answer is to break all the rules. So if you are called, then you are called and may God be with you.
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I love that story, Paul. Also, I hope the statute of limitations has run out 🙂
God writes the rules, I’m pretty clear on that. Sometimes His rules will surprise you, however. Also, there is so much grace and mercy there, so if you foul it up, well, you just try better next time.
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