Something I seem to have the hardest time explaining to men is women’s need for safety, physical yes, but mostly emotional and spiritual safety. I even have a hard time selling some women on the idea, but I think it’s an important gender difference and things tend to go all awry when we ignore it.
My husband is awesome and I’ve been talking to him about safety for some 30 years, but even then it is just not his world so it doesn’t fully resonate. We have 3 daughters and many times I have whispered, “safety.” Dad, your kid needs emotional cover, protection, safety. She needs your reassurance. Comfort? Your strength? Safety.
And Dad will say, “No way, she’s tough, I’m proud of her” or something similar. He’s right, our girls are tough, bold, strong, but they are still girls. Sometimes they just need their Dad. Safety.
Their Dad being a rather traditional guy, doesn’t always see and speak the whole emotional/feeling world going on within women. So with a son you might say, “you’re tough, you’re brave, I’m proud of you,” and that would help to provide them the encouragement, the strength they need. But girls are a bit different, their strength tends to come from feeling safety, protection, security.
It’s probably not politically correct to say, but girls, even women, tend to glean our strength from the safety provided by men. There’s nothing wrong with telling girls they are strong and brave, but the core root of our strength is actually to be found in our weakness. When we are allowed to be “weak,” when we are provided emotional cover, protection, safety, we become strong.
The Apostle Paul understood this concept well in his own relationship with Christ when he spoke of knowing how, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
Women learn to lean into Christ’s strength too. In our weakness, He is our rock. When we stand upon His shoulders, we become strong. But here on earth we also have earthly rocks, men, created in His image, and they have a profound impact on us as fathers, husbands, brothers, friends. Women need men very much, for a variety of reasons, but one reason is our need for emotional safety. Not all men are worthy, but in general they often are the ones that provide the safety that frees us to be strong.
I’ve had a couple of interesting conversations with men explaining to me that “God is not safe.” God is the safest place in the entire universe. God is the first place to run towards. God is safety. However, I can see the gender differences going on very clearly in these discussions, the way the men perceive God’s power, His authority, as not tame. They’re perceiving safety as tame, weak, powerless. Not at all. Safety is to be found in the biggest, baddest, un-tamed, well, God. I’m laughing here, but in times of trouble who are you going to stand behind, the kitten or the Lion?
However, I want to reiterate, while God is not “safe,” He does provide women safety, emotional cover, and let us never forget His grace, His protection and sacrifice. God “gets” women, even when human men sometimes struggle to understand. It’s very fascinating to read of the way Jesus interacts with women in the bible and to pick up on this, the emotional cover He provides, the safety. This is not the same thing as not being accountable for oneself, in fact, it is often Christ’s ability to provide emotional safety that is so convicting for women.
Safety denied, even by women themselves denying biology and our own needs, can become rather pathological. You see that in abuse victims all the time, they struggle to find and repair their sense of safety. I think we see this reflected in the world today too, with our “safe space zones” on college campuses, the way some descend into complete panic at the slightest political controversy. Where is your internal sense of emotional safety?
We have a world which seems to be screaming “safety” from the top of their lungs, while at the same time acting as if women don’t need safety at all. That is pathological, that is wounding speaking. That is a convoluted mess of biology screaming for what it desires, but battling against the zeitgeist of the day.
It can be downright ridiculous sometimes on the internet when you are trying to chat with a bunch of strong, empowered feminists, independent, tough…. who immediately start hollering about trigger alerts and how you are harming their PTSD and violating their safety. I managed to do this epic fail myself, ironically while trying to speak of women’s biological need for emotional safety.
Double Facepalm.
The thing is, there can be great healing and emotional health for women when we embrace and understand our own needs for emotional safety and then nurture and allow it. Instead we seem to be living in this world where such things are being suppressed, where women’s need for safety is somehow perceived as shameful, often by women themselves.
See, there's this thing called biology... 
Hi IB :). This is Linbo from MBTTTR.
I really like so much about what you are writing here. There are definitely differences in how men and women function emotionally.
You wrote “There’s nothing wrong with telling girls they are strong and brave, but the core root of our strength is actually to be found in our weakness. When we are allowed to be “weak,” when we are provided emotional cover, protection, safety, we become strong”.
I agree with this statement 100%, but can’t help but think it’s true that men need the same covering- both covered by Jesus, but also by the other men and women in their lives.
Do you think men need support systems, too?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey, Linbo! Thanks for coming by and for reading. I love your sweet picture! I do think men need support systems, especially other men, as mentors, leaders, brothers. And of course men need cover in terms of grace, Christ’s redemption and forgiveness. But I don’t think they require quite the same kind of emotional cover and safety that women do.
If you watch men, their brains simply work differently, so they respond to most situations in flight or fight mode, offense or defense. I sometimes say they are verbs, action words, that immediately leap to “fix it” mode. Women don’t have as dominant a flight or flight instinct. We tend to focus on how to stay put and survive, where our safety is going to be. It makes some sense if you consider women are the ones who have babies, we’re seeking safety and protection on their account. Whereas men are free to fight or to flee, women often have the added burden of kids needing safety. Men are more likely to be risk takers.
So it is not a complete either or situation, women can certainly fight or flee and men can certainly require some safety, but it is an over all generalization. In all my years of dealing with men, even men with PTSD and assorted other challenges, I’ve never heard one speak of a trigger alert or a need for emotional safety in quite the same way.
LikeLike
Thanks for your answer, IB :).
There are a few things that I can completely agree with. I do think that men and women’s brains operate a little differently. And, I think hormones could be a reason for this (I’m thinking more of the male testosterone and androgen more than I am estrogen). But, I don’t think we can assess men’s need for emotional safety by observing them. There is a lot of things that go into how people behave- like culture and socialization and stuff. I even think it may be natural for men to be more comfortable expressing emotion only in certain ways. But, I still think it is just a human need to know you are safe emotionally.
So say men in our culture may get defensive when someone shames them for something. That defense is a response to emotions and it means they don’t feel safe. If your close to the man he may not come up and say “I was really hurt by so and so”, but he may share with you what that “blankity-blank” did. Or he may just internalize it, and slam a few things around and be a pill to live with for a few days.
That internalizing is what eats men and women both alive from the inside out.
It may look differently, but I still believe men need to know they are safe emotionally. Again- I think it is just a human need.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“That internalizing is what eats men and women both alive from the inside out.”
Well said, Linbo. I think one thing that happens is that women tend to internalize far more often, while men externalize. It’s culture, hormones, brain structure, whatever. So emotional safety and trust is what enables women to look outwards rather than inwards. Men conversely tend to need to be encouraged to look inward rather than out. It’s not that one approach is worse than another, it’s that there is often an inbalance going on. In a perfect world we would all be able to do both in a harmonious way, but that’s not what I see happening.
LikeLike
Hi, Linbo. I miss you when I don’t have time and ebpnergy to get over to Matt’s blog. But life has been filled with quite a bit to deal with 24/7! So glad to see you here!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I know the feeling:). Glad to “see” you too! Hope all is well, even if busy!
LikeLike
Well said IB.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Paul.
LikeLike
Just another illustration, IB, of how our culture, in the press to advance the feminist cause, says women are only worthwhile if we act like men.
Becky
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, kind of sad. Our media, our culture is not very nice to men either. We have TV sitcoms portraying them as buffoons, we have cultural memes based on disrespect, and heaven forbid you ever speak of something like men’s empowerment. Men must be controlled, kept in their place, pretty much discouraged from being men at all. But women are being completely erased, anything related to girls is now downright shameful, wearing pink, throwing like a girl, looking like a girl. The only things that seem to have worth and value anymore in our culture are the things perceived to belong to the realm of men.
Even just being female today is perceived as nothing more than an identity, easily chosen by men. We don’t talk about that much, but the transgender issue involves a huge percent of men now identifying as women, rather than women identifying as men. The bathroom wars for example, are not about women trying to get into the men”s room for example, and yet we act as if all things are equal here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent points, all. Sad to see what’s happening in society. It’s harmful, and it feels like watching a car crash unfolding in slow motion when you’re helpless to do anything about it. I’m glad God hears and answers prayer, that He’s our strength in time of trouble, that He helps us and delivers those who take refuge in Him (see Ps. 37). Our hope really does need to be in Him, not on the workings of society!
Becky
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good stuff IB. Again I am reminded how being simple is a blessing. The world is far too complex for me. I never think about this stuff until I read here LOL.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Matthew 10
28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.[b] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
32 “Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven. 33 But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.
34 “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to turn
“‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
36 a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’[c]
37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.
Memi, let me clarify for both of us, we, in our unrighteous condition, are not “safe” before God, as our disease is not “safe” before the Great Physician. We naturally fear God’s Justice, applied to us, untill it is revealed to us, that God has offered to take on to Himself, the penalties for our crimes, that we can never pay. The safety we all seek is the reconciling safety, bought by the Blood of Christ. This is the safety both genders need, in pretty much the same way. None of us will be safe, without taking God’s safety, God’s way. ( which is unsafe for our dark parts.)
1 Peter 2
3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
Fear and safety are recurring themes in The Word. God tells us not to be afraid a lot. That the Word is telling women not to “give way to fear”, does speak to the need of safety.
As a husband, I know there is a limit to how much safety I can provide.
I try not to compete with God! ; – ) Believe it or not, He is Bigger and Smarter than me! ; – )
To wrap up, I have also experienced the “weaponized safety” that you mention.
The last time my spouse and I were in counseling together, she was also still being blind guided by the other “abuse advocate” “christians”, separately from our couples counseling.
When our couples counselor told my spouse that she was being “too critical”, my spouse pronounced the counseling “unsafe” and never went back!
Cloud and Townsend cover this dynamic pretty well in “Boundaries in Marriage”.
Again Memi, however we get there, we are the “safest” under the easy yoke and the light burden offered to us by Christ!
I like your posts, because you discuss multiple sides of issues, and,
however you do it,
I doubt that you “give way to fear.”, much, if at all!.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“When our couples counselor told my spouse that she was being “too critical”, my spouse pronounced the counseling “unsafe” and never went back!”
I have to tell you A-dad, that’s a real red flag for women. Of course she pronounced it unsafe. When people tell us we’re “too critical” it means we will not be heard, we have no voice. It is the equivalent of being told to shut up. Women are always perceived as too critical, as nagging, as hysterical, irrational, delusional, all ways of dismissing anything we might say. It is to be rendered completely powerless. Women often fight back when we are cornered like that, there’s no other option. If you want to actually communicate, you have to create safety, build trust, and make sure she feels heard.
I’ve spent the last ten years hearing how I was being too critical, making up health problems that didn’t exist, how I was delusional, how I was the one with the problem. Yes, it’s been very unsafe and I’ve given way to fear over and over again. Before we use terms like “weaponized safety,” I wish we’d ask why the person feels they need a weapon in the first place.
I’ve been vindicated, the bitter vindication of a diagnosis and a child I have to now just place in God’s hands.
LikeLike
Oi. I’ve been there IB. I was one of the lucky ones in my journey with finding difficult to find diagnoses, as well as in finding an incredibly valuable therapist to go to for counseling. To find diagnoses …well that was a God thing and we had to both persevere and wait on God’s timing. I guess those things should be said for everything we face in life, but with finding a therapist He brought me to her and she created safety and healing first. Then much later she began to challenge me and guide me to recognizing the harder things to face, the things that are impossible when you’re at the bottom of a deep pit with the so-called protector and all those who are supposed to love and everyone else throwing garbage and feces down on your head and yelling that you and your view is without value and deserves to be silenced rather than heard.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oi! My favorite word. That and, ai yi yi. These can be such huge emotional issues that just threaten to overwhelm us. I loose my patience sometimes trying to explain it because it seems so obvious to me and yet some people just genuinely don’t understand, they haven’t got the eyes to see it.
LikeLike
Memi, I expect we will keep talking, at least on my end, because it is possible that your might be talking about some things I have little ability to perceive, and little ability to understand after that.
On the other hand, our own experiences about “safety” are commonly our “go to” experiences about the topic, though they might not apply universaly.
When you “twanged” some feminists about “safety”, were you being “too critical”? I doubt that you were, but still, you apparently “triggered” them.
Taken in isolation, your response to my above story would not allow that any woman could ever be “too critical”, and I do think you can allow for the possibility that anyone, women included, can be “too critical” at times. ( is this too critcal? ; – )
One thing to consider is that Jesus tells us to “Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.”
This will naturally leed to men dealing with conflict in a “male” way, and women dealing with conflict in a “female” way.
Here, both men and women would do well to realize that they are not the other gender and let that inform how they deal more effectively with the other gender.
Memi, I think this is what you are doing here, re: explaining a perspective on the female gender. There might be limits on how much you can explain the male gender.
Anyway, just to fill out my story above, we have gone to both male and female counselors. When our last female counselor suggested that my spouse was border line clinical OCD and had issues with denial, my spouse quit that counselor too.
Hence my spouse has a history of quitting counselors when they say something she does not want to hear. This could be a “safety” issue, as you propose, or it could be denial, or some other issue. If it is in fact a “safety” issue, I still don’t get it.
FYI, on my side of counsel, I always try on what they say about me. Some fits, some does not, however, most couples counselors might say (metaphorically) that they are trying to build the couple a “tandem bicycle” that they can both ride together. Thus far, we don’t yet have much of a “bicycle built for two”.
Our son really likes that song though! ; – )
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you’re great A-dad, so forgive my inpatient tone. I don’t mean to sound so snappish.
Women in general can totally be too critical, and control freaks bordering on OCD. That’s almost a given. I suppose there may be some women in the world who are laid back and let things go, but in general those are the issues we deal with and done properly, they allow us to be good mothers. Or they can get all distorted and out of whack, harmful to our marriages, harmful to ourselves, even harmful to our kids.
When women don’t have emotional safety it doesn’t necessarily stem from a husband or counselor, it can come from anything. The point I was trying to make is that unless her safety is addressed first, unless emotional safety is provided by those around her, there is little chance for communication or healing.
The need for control is a fear based response. That’s why I talk about safety so much. If you address the safety, the fear lessons and with it the need for control. To submit is actually to let go of control and fear, to yield. So if a counselor tells a woman she’s being too critical, too controlling, that’s probably going to be perceived as an attack, which creates fear, which is going to make her instantly defensive.
You could tell my husband he’s being a jerk and he’d think about it and either dismiss it or decide he’s probably being a jerk and change it. That simple.
If you said the same thing to me, it would be instant defiance, defense, a fear based reaction and a sudden need for control.
So how we communicate with women in a counseling situation has to be different. Women tend to either get defensive or shut down emotionally which just makes everything worse.
LikeLike
“Of course she pronounced it unsafe. When people tell us we’re “too critical” it means we will not be heard, we have no voice. It is the equivalent of being told to shut up. Women are always perceived as too critical, as nagging, as hysterical, irrational, delusional, all ways of dismissing anything we might say. It is to be rendered completely powerless. Women often fight back when we are cornered like that, there’s no other option. If you want to actually communicate, you have to create safety, build trust, and make sure she feels heard.”
Oh, how I can relate to this. The other thing is also, that once they have decided you are those things — critical, nagging, hysterical, irrational, delusional — you are officially labeled, and you might as well forget about it. Silence becomes the only possibility. Most things you can, indeed, let go, and you should. However, when you’ve dealt with very serious issues, and they are not being dealt with appropriately, and you know that they won’t be, you really have few options other than to quietly do what you can and be more or less avoidant for the purpose of preserving the peace. I would say about 80% of problems you can face on your own, if you simply seek the strength from God to deal with them. I dare say more of the women of previous generations did this than we’d really like to admit, but the main difference between our generation and theirs is that they were firm in their convictions about marriage being a very serious thing that was about the good of family and society, not about them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds like someone needs to head over to MBTTTR.
LikeLike
Oh this was so very well said. And yes, I have been in the muck as well in trying to explain cognitive dissonance to feminists. My statements usually follow the logic that getting fall down, blind drunk while expecting not to suffer any consequences does not exactly square with being a smart, empowered woman. Alas, they never seem to see my point, sigh. 😉
Your point about women/girls needing to feel protected by the men in their lives though, at least the important ones, really hit home.
With today’s political correctness on gender differences making men wary of stepping in to their traditional role as protector, I really do fear for young girls falling in to victimization mode, which plays a huge role in living a productive and empowered life. I think too this has a lot to do with what you say about so called “safe spaces, which is such an odd part of our times.
You can’t really blame it on men when our culture is banning pro nouns like he/she for being offensive.. I mean seriously how can anyone react rationally to that? Posts like yours though remind them of their God given roles and encourage both men and women to step in to them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Tricia. Stepping into our God given roles, I love that. That is how we fix this, that is how we make it better anyway. It’s really not the fault of men, we have this culture wide assault in so many areas that just seeks to make a real mess of things.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh. So. Many. Thoughts. And. Feelings.
Thank-you for writing, IB!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Without being a rabble rouser, after reading everyone’s comments I am genuinely curious as to what you guys are defining as feminism.
Becky commented about women acting like men. I agree I have seen that as well, and I tend to think the usually younger generation kind of missed the point. The media does exacerbate this with the trend towards objectifying men the way men objectify women – and the media is usually targeted towards the 18-24 year olds. This is a very small portion of our population, and it isn’t the true sentiment for those I would traditionally call “feminist”. So I am just curious as to what you guys are defining feminism as.
LikeLike
Honestly, from direct experience with real people, the most common threads I’ve seen to run through feminism in my life time are:
-denial of differences between the sexes, and sometimes several other aspects of reality
-act like men
-believe women are superior and/or try to make men worthless
-wildly in favor of babies ripped from their mothers’ wombs and murdered and rabid to ensure more murders as well as to mischaracterized and demonize any person who has the morality and the backbone to object to murder…tons of variations on twistings of reality, logic and the basic concept of ‘good’ to go along with this one
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey mom, (LOL- that shortened version just flowed a lot easier then FSM ..:)
Thanks for clarifying.
In all honesty I think sexism either way is incredibly destructive…most ism’s are really.
I can look at denial of differences in gender as I look at the denial of difference between race (or racial experience at least).
I do think we are different in some aspects, but equal.
The acting like men thing, – that is exactly the opposite of what some of the early feminists worked for, and I think where a lot of girls growing up in our culture get it wrong. I don’t want to be a man, I want to be respected as a woman.
I do see the women as superior thing, and I think that is another over-reaction of what women worked for. The superiority thing always feels like a defense against some personal emotional thing to me. I personally really value men, and think the recent upsurge in “men’s studies” is incredibly needed at this point in time.
The abortion thing- yeah, I personally could never do that. I think it is a last resort for most women, and I wished they would consider other alternatives. I personally don’t feel a passion towards “the women’s right to choose.”, but I know some do.
In all honesty I think most often the women that do get them don’t necessarily feel that passionate about the political agenda, either. If you look at the women who do this, they are largely uneducated and don’t have the means to care for a child. I know there are alternatives, but sometimes they don’t/aren’t thinking very clearly about that. I’m also thinking about women who may have severe mental illness, that have risky sexual behaviors and are taking a lot of medications (or should be) – a lot of times they are not thinking straight.
I hope I don’t get any stones thrown at me, but I consider myself someone who advocates for equality of women. I don’t consider myself a feminist in the vein of the militant feminist. In a way I have to be- as a single woman, I cant demure to a man at work, or in any arena that I am the only one who will advocate for myself, or for what is right.
Again, thank you for clarifying for me what is meant by “feminist.”
My hope is always for better understanding and communication. A lot of times, people in different “camps” aren’t as different from us as we believe.
LikeLike
Your welcome, Lin. 🙂 😀
I tend to look at equality as a laudable goal in some respects and a misguided one in others. There are many ways that humans talk about equality that God does not. But on the other hand God assigns equal value to all of us humans and equally expects and desires all people to come to him and to strive for godliness. Somehow humans, in all there talk of equality, seem to usually mess up in those most fundamental building blocks of equality.
I think of most everything in life in religious terms or more to the point I try to “capture every thought” and compare it to the word of God. So over the years I’ve come to radically change some of my own views, not to get further away from religious belief as I was started in life being taught but to in someways fundamentally change my understanding of what life is supposed to be like or what it means to follow God and trust in him.
One example that comes to mind is something that I think you and I may have discussed once over on Matt’s blog. Our culture and most people within it, Christian or other, tend to view the individual as the basic unit of society. Some other cultures in history have viewed the family as the basic unit of society and the individual as the basic unit of the family. Much as I love the “American spirit” that was still present in many good ways in this culture when I was a little kid, I’ve come to realize that our culture has done far too much damage to the concept of family and that other view as family first actually appears to me to fit better with God’s word. It’s so different than what I used to think that it seems fair to me to label it as radical change but it is nevertheless what I think now.
Another thing that comes to mind is my youngest sister-in-law who is a full time working-outside-the-home-mom and who considers herself a feminist and a liberal. Despite our vast differences between our world views and my concerns for her personal lifestyle choices that prevented me from making similar choices, I really like her and appreciate her. She posted a very interesting thing once a year or so ago on Facebook that I totally disagreed with about women in the workplace having to downplay the strength of their own positions in order to not suffer in ways that male co-workers would never have to do or supposedly would never suffer for. It was fascinating and made several valid points. But I still ended up mostly philosophically in a very different place from her own conclusions. While I love her fiery spirit and am thrilled for her that she is married to a man strong enough and loving enough to take it, I do see in her some tendencies that like her brother, (my husband who has in the last year whole-heartedly embraced his worst flaws and shut down every good thing he supposedly used to believe in), are actually not always best for her or for the people around her. And I saw some of them reflected in the behaviors and communication patterns she wants to be able to use in the workplace as she thinks men are allowed to do. Yes, it’s an inequity that men often get that permission and weirdly sometimes even get great respect for the same things, but it doesn’t make them right or superior. It’s good for all people, male and female, to seek wisdom and kindness and diplomacy, and it’s a bad idea all around for men and women alike to admire bad behavior or to be admired for bad behavior or bad ideas presented with arrogance. I’ve never liked it when my husband has embraced being coarse or being overly bold and assertive about all the worst things. I don’t like it when Donald Trump does it or Hillary Clinton either. I think the right answer to the inequity could never be about whether to elect a man or a woman. (Or replace elect with another concept, perhaps hire, promote, or give the contract.) I think the best corrections society can make will never be about trying to fundamentally change the way we view women or how we want women to be. I think the best reform we can make is to stop admiring strength without integrity in men, to expect better integrity and behavior from men, rather than to demand that women be afforded the same permission to be bold in their mistakes, or generally arrogant or pushy. My sister-in-law (or whatever I can call her in future now that I can no longer be related to her by law) has certain personality traits that are not in and of themselves good or evil but as with all things they require training into wisdom and love; they present some pros and some cons and have to be worked with. Don’t we all face that within ourselves? Having strengths and weaknesses and a journey of a lifetime learning? It’s not wrong that my husband once got fired for going strongly with the cons of certain traits he shares with her that men more often get away with and its not wrong that she gets asked to moderate hers in her job as an HR professional. …I hope that made sense. It was difficult to figure out how to express it!
There are actually lots of areas that I think society needs to demand better behavior and more wisdom from men rather than less from women which it often appears to me that many social justice warriors ask for. Or conversely, people sometimes take things that are often feminine strengths and try to paste them over all men in weird ways where what can be a strength to a woman ends up becoming a weakness or a form of cognitive dissonance when it’s forced into a man-shaped mold.
Sex roles in the workplace make for lots of interesting days in the best of situations and lots of terrible days in the worst. For the most part I have plenty of good to be thankful for with my job. However a few times I’ve almost been tempted to contact the owner of the company I work for and explain to him that my office manager is a woman and he needs to understand and honor that in order to get all the communication he needs to get from her (or to not stifle it when he’s getting too much pressure from his business partners in the same week that our little company needs to report on needed car maintenance and repairs.) But I guess I know better than to make that crazy blunder so it’s just a wild thought in my head that amuses me and then passes. And their weird communication style or the weird working relationship between the two of them has never physically endangered me or one of my students. It’s only left me feeling generally uncomfortable from time to time and totally uncomfortable once with something I’d have reported to him about my own work record but was prevented from doing. That was a matter of two incidents two days in a row both involving one particular student…the only student I’ve ever had to damage a car while with me. I found out later the poor kid was a recovering drug addict and when he seemed almost as if he suddenly had a minor seizure that effected him for a moment he probably did have something quite similar if not technically a seizure. Then I quit rehashing in my mind what I could have done differently, working from incomplete information.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mom (totally your new name now! 🙂
You said it very well, and I am inclined to agree with you. We don’t need to match the attitudes and negative traits in order to prove ourselves and win. I agree that Everyone should be respectful and considerate of others. Be assertive, state what you need- but swagger doesn’t work really well for anyone very long. However, and I don’t know the details of this situation, but just like there is white privilege where white people don’t even know what they don’t know, there is the male privilege . If the system is geared towards a specific race, culture or sex then the minority race culture or sex already has to work a little harder. For the most part I do think that over the last 50 years the work place has become so mixed that that male privilege culture isn’t as bad as it would have been 50 years ago, except maybe in certain job settings. ..My point is that I could see some situations where there would be a sense that as a woman you aren’t taken seriously, ect. But you are right- bravado and puffing our your chest like a rooster is not the way to get respect or be taken seriously.
There is just plain ole’ work etiquette. (Period). (Like, you don’t tell your boss how to handle as situation, like in your example..lol.)
I was a little confused about what you were saying about family.
You said “I’ve come to realize that out culture has done far too much damage to the concept of family and the other view as family first actually appears to me to fit better with God’s word. It’s so different that what I used to think that is seems fair to me to label it as radical change but it is nevertheless what I think now.”
Did you used to not view family as first?
I’d like to hear more if you are willing to share.
LikeLike
I think I used to *think* I saw family as first and in many ways I did. Yet I still to some degree supported some of the cultural philosophies that destroy family, mostly as a result of rebelling against serious issues of my father. Our “individuality first” culture allows for the easy destrcution of family. We constantly make excuses for divorce, abandonment and adultery in our popular culture. Our laws and court systems have it on an assembly line to deal with it and they disallow any wise judgement over the situations claiming that no-fault divorce is the only thing that makes sense.
Most people seem to think divorce is basically bad and that family is somewhat important but when it comes right down to it they look at the nitty gritty of life and say well you can’t live unhappy, I’d never ask anyone to do that…excusing every single reason for divorce based on short term definitions of happy because to us simple little humans our short term pains *feel* like forever. Somehow as a culture we’ve bought into and encouraged this upside down view that families and marriages are inherently abusive. They aren’t. Having to live through and work through hard times for the sake of family is not an evil to be released from. It’s like reverse abuse letting yourself out of your melodrama to go seek your bliss while you treat the other spouse and all the children as disposable (but of course lie to yourself about the nature of what you’re doing and its effect on them). Any person who is abusive in the marriage relationship is guilty. And I freely admit that many men are. We see them show up at Matt’s blog all the time to rebuke him for daring to figure it out and for publicly proclaiming what he’s learned about how to be better to women in marriage. And yet whichever party is running away to seek their own happiness is also guilty. My husband has done this. But it’s just as often women who do it.
I LOVE Matt’s willingness to own his own stuff and to really learn the lessons of men and women being different. But I’m often puzzled by or frustrated by all the women who work really hard in his comments section to convince everyone that none of it actually has to do with men and women operating differently because of their different natures or their different needs. Of course their are some common needs depending on how you word things. But it’s just as obvious that there are some specific differences. And I think convincing the men that there aren’t just leads men right back around to refusing to learn to love their wives. If there are no differences why shouldn’t he treat her exactly like he’d treat any guy friend or brother or cousin that felt like she feels and acts like she acts? He’d put up boundaries just like he’s always done and deflect all her stupid feelings that he disagrees with of course.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“But I’m often puzzled by or frustrated by all the women who work really hard in his comments section to convince everyone that none of it actually has to do with men and women operating differently because of their different natures or their different needs.”
I know, right? That confuses me, too. In the world today it’s like it’s not okay to a have any differences.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mom,
Just waking up. :P! Nights are a bugger. I am going to write a more thoughtful (read: coherent) response in a bit.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ok, I’m caught up enough to respond. Yay!
I cant speak for the commenter’s themselves, but what I understand is that they are coming from a place of not wanting anyone to worm out of being accountable. Meaning, they dont want men to use the excuse that they are men and so therefore cant function in an equal partnership (especially when it comes to work that is traditionally seen as “Woman’s work”- that of running the household.)
It sounds like a lot of unrelenting expectation, but some of the things they are talking about- like women taking on about 99% of the emotional labor of the shared life is kind of true. Men typically dont take on much responsibility when it comes to child care including school and extra-curricular obligations, or in keeping up family relationships. Examples of in-laws contacting the wife, instead of their own son is a re-occurring example, or in keeping up with what is going on with the kids- who are the kids friends, what kind of stuff are they watching/listening to? This is all work that should be shared equally. Men should get that they have investments in these things happening. But, they are not expected of men, they are expected of women and that just doesnt make sense in this day and age.
Usually, both people work. Why should the woman be expected to do all the cooking, cleaning and emotional/relationship labor, too?
I know this is an area that they talk about alot, and I have to agree a little bit that these things are not beyond the mans ability. There is no amount of pre-wiring that goes on in the brain that prevents a man from making a phone call, or doing the dishes.
I think that is often the point they are trying to make.
*Side note- I dont agree 100% with every sentiment or opinion. But, I so think they make some valid points.
LikeLike
Memi, thanks for filling in some blanks here. As usual, we are pretty much on the same page.
You could say that our conversation here is a monument to emotional safety that we have developed between us.
The comments of your “girlfriends” here have been helpful as well.
Like the song says, here is where our real “safety” is:
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand:
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.
That being said, I’ll try and work on helping my wife to see the “safety” that she already has,
which of course, does not come from me. It comes from someone better than me! ; – )
Lots of comments on this post huh?! ; – )
LikeLiked by 1 person
Perfect song, A-dad! Helping your wife to see the safety she already has, that’s a wonderful concept.
LikeLike
Ditto…exactly what IB just said. That’s beautiful.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve had a couple of interesting conversations with men explaining to me that “God is not safe.”
Put me in mind of this:
Mrs. Beaver: Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight. At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more. When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death. And when he shakes his mane, it will be spring again.
Lucy: Is he [Aslan]…safe?
Mr. Beaver: Safe? Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Of course he isn’t safe…but…he’s GOOD…He’s the King, I tell you.
-From “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe”
Thanks for another great post, Mrs. Bytes. 😀
LikeLike
Ahh, what a perfect quote. Aslan has all the answers 🙂
LikeLike
Pingback: Things I have read on the internet – 41 | clydeherrin
Pingback: A Keeper… | See, there's this thing called biology...