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Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.-Ephesians 5:21
Seems rather straightforward to me. We can go to Galatians 5:13, “…serve one another in love.“ Or 1 Peter 5:5 “Young men, in the same way, submit yourselves to your elders. And all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another.” So to submit is really just a matter of having good manners, surrendering some pride, being kind to one another. It is to engage is some fruit of the Spirit, “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.“
So it is somewhat amusing that when we get to “wives submit,” there is so much controversy, outrage, hyperbole, and hysteria. Well, it would be amusing if it weren’t actually something that drives people away from faith itself, if those words had not been used so often to try to justify abuse, if the number of divorces in this country were not so painfully high.
It’s such a simple thing, a benign thing, a boring thing even. Not an easy thing, not for the faint of heart that’s for sure. To submit often requires strength and courage. To take offense is actually far easier. It takes a great deal of strength not to punch people in the nose sometimes. If submission were something easy, done by the weak and cowardly, the world would look a lot different today. We’d all be submitting one to another and living peaceful lives. That’s the problem, it isn’t easy, it can be really hard. It takes strength and courage.
I’m not suggesting that all conflict and division is bad, just that to submit one to another is how you create more peaceful and fruitful interactions. The world could use more love and kindness, no?
Submitting isn’t really “submitting” when you are in perfect agreement with one another. That’s just enjoying some like-mindedness. So it can be hard, because sometimes you must submit when you are not in agreement, when you do not approve.
In marriage submission can be so ordinary, so routine, one hardly takes note of it. Today my husband said, “I’d like some coffee.” So I set down my blog, dropped what I was doing, and made him some coffee. Then we sat under the roses and had coffee together. Very sweet, very romantic, but hardly earth shattering. Submission isn’t really all that dramatic. Not usually.
Now the opposite of submission would look more like, “You want some coffee, make your own %#*&! coffee. I’m not your servant!” To not submit is generally all about defiance, lobbing baggage at someone’s head, expressing contempt. To submit is to yield, to not submit is to resist, to fight.
Those are the basics, just simple interpersonal skills that create peaceful marriages, that help men to feel loved and respected, that create calm and safety among small groups of people, to submit one to another.
Things get a bit more difficult, a bit more advanced when your husband decides he wants to get into a business deal with a good friend of his and every ounce of your being is screaming that this won’t end well, that this will cost the whole family dearly, that it’s going to take years to shovel our way out, that the risk is too high, but after you express your concerns a few dozens times there is nothing else to do. So you submit and decide to invest in reducing the harm, in making this the best financial face plant possible. You know this won’t end well, but you make a choice to love anyway, to hold hands all the way down the slide. Way, way down the slide….
When it all falls apart and your spouse is trying to blame you because you are the only one safe enough to rant at, you don’t scream defensively, “I told you so!” Instead you overlook the offense, the injustice, you empathize, you pour praise and encouragement all over them. You protect relationship and connection. I admire how you take risks. I appreciate your integrity. We’ll get through this. I’m with you.
Submission protects relationship and connection, it makes a choice to love. Scripture is full of wisdom, it is tried and true, and it works. So why do wives submit, while husbands love and give honor unto the wife? I suspect because giving love and honor is hard for men, while submitting is harder for women. It is our weaknesses that scripture often calls us towards, teaches us how to strengthen. Women often struggle with submitting to husbands, but conversely men often struggle with knowing how to love and honor their wives. Submission is sometimes a concept they understand better than we do, while women are usually all about love. Scripture teaches us how to reverse that and in the process of reversing it you come to see things from the other side of the equation.
Submission protects relationship and connection. That simple really.
Wally Fry said:
No real comment, but a song did come to mind
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insanitybytes22 said:
How delightful! I’m always up for a good song. 🙂
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DeniseBalog said:
I wonder if Wally Fry was thinking of the song, RESPECT? Excellent post. I was thinking of Grace while I read. Thank you for the words of Scripture’s wisdom.
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Wally Fry said:
That would have been a good one too, Denise
🙂
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anitvan said:
We said the traditional vows. I plighted him my troth, whatever that means, I totally forget. And I said the words “I promise to submit” but I had no intention of keeping that promise. Hahaha! Are you kidding me? And my husband agreed with me – dumb idea.
Now, almost 30 years later, I look back and laugh at how backwards I had it.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Ha! That’s nothing, we actually wrote our own vows, none of this obey stuff was coming out of my mouth. Then the pastor had four weddings to do that day and he got them all mixed up. The poor guy was beet red and sweating when he realized his mistake, and all I could do in front of all those people was take pity on him and just say, “I do.”
God always gets the last laugh. 🙂
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anitvan said:
I’m not sure writing our own vows would have been an option in our very conservative lil church, lol
But I sure didn’t want to write my own vows. I had heard some pretty crappy homemade vows, really cheesy, horrible stuff and the last thing I wanted was to embarrass myself like that!
In contrast, the tradition vows had a simple profundity that was absent in the contemporary versions.
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"A" dad said:
Correct Submission, otherwise defined!
Matthew 7:12
12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
Proper submission seems like it could also be described as healthy self interest, always within a limited set of choices.
If the baby needs a diaper change, it is in the parents self interest to change the diaper, as well as the child’s.
Also, we can be offended by things that are not sins, like someone else’s relatives for instance.
“Offences” that are not sins can be overlooked.
Offences that are sins, like infidelity for instance can’t be overlooked in the sense of ignoring them.
Forgiving a sin compared to ignoring a sin is not the same thing.
It all goes back to “do to others what you would have them do to you”.
If you or I were making an obsinate sinful mistake, wouldn’t it be great if someone stopped us if we could not stop ourselves?
Acts of “submission” can always be given the “do to others” test! ; – )
Matthew 7:11-13
11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
The Narrow and Wide Gates
13 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.
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cracTpot said:
I love Mary Poppins. Hats and red lipstick is right up my alley but I’m gonna need a whole lot of sugar to get THAT bitter pill down. You walk into a mistake despite my warnings (ok…deep breath, we all make mistakes, next time I might be wrong, we can fix this together) and then you yell at me because I’m the only one you trust enough to put up with your crap? (keep breathing, he needs to vent..keep…aw forget this…) and then my head literally explodes! You my dear, are a saint! Or sedated? Are you just a little sedated? 😉
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insanitybytes22 said:
LOL, no, I am real person. I slammed a few doors and lobbed off a few, “make your own %#*&! coffee.” Then I apologized and got back on track. I’m so glad I did, it changed everything.
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"A" dad said:
C’pot,
Please read the below story link from this site, about IB, her late father and her mother who lives with her.
IB seems remarkably familliar with both sides of many coins.
There is such a thing as enabling abuse. There is also such a thing as enveloping and over turning abuse.
IB appears to trust her Lord, and does her best to obey Him, perhaps because she was enveloped by Him herself.
We should be happy to do as well as she.
https://insanitybytes2.wordpress.com/2014/06/15/i-am-my-fathers-daughter-2/
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cracTpot said:
Oh I’m not saying it isn’t the right path, I’m saying it’s a stinkin’ impossibly hard path that I can’t seem to walk without hyperventilating. I pray every week for the strength and grace for such a trip but I guess it’s hard to hear advice when steam is coming out of your ears
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OKRickety said:
IB,
This post is quite good. I especially like the last two paragraphs. The concepts are quite simple, indeed. It’s the real-life application that is difficult.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thank you, OKRickety. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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Paul said:
Hmmm. hmmmm. OK, I get what you are saying IB – I would likely put it a bit different. For instance at the Nuremberg trials, it was agreed that obeying an illegal order would henceforth be illegal. And most of the world wrote that into their criminal codes over the years. In that case submission was wrong. When Jesus found the money launderers in the church court yard he did not submit – he went ballistic.
That said those are special cases. I think I would describe your point as acting with honor. That is to say putting the best interests of others above your own. And that moves all the way to the end user. So for instance, the Nazi orders to kill Jews is illegal and dishonorable because it harms people and so should not be obeyed regardless of the circumstances or who orders it. That actually links well with the concept of thinking globally and acting locally – or looking up to God for guidance (seeing the biggest picture.) It is a sort of high level Golden Rule – do unto others as you would have God do unto you.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Ha! Spooky, Paul. I was just thinking of the Nuremberg trials and obeying orders. A more pleasant way of saying that is, “hey, I just work here, don’t look at me!” It’s a complex issue, accountability, autonomy, moral agency.
There’s some real lunkheads on the internet who insist that wives must submit, all women actually, since we allegedly possess no moral agency of our own. Sounds absolutely delightful! Since I now lack both a soul and moral agency, there’s really nothing to stop me from duct taping said lunkheads to the ceiling and using them to practice my dart throwing techniques.
The movie “Gaslight” explored similar themes. Once the guy finally drove her crazy, he also established her alibi, not guilty by reason of insanity. “Double Jeopardy” is another one, the bad guy fakes his own death and she is convicted of murder. When she gets out and discovers he’s still alive, she’s legally free to kill him because you can’t be charged twice for the same crime. Both of the women in these two tales did not go on to kill the bad guys, even though they had the legal right to do so, and perhaps to some degree, the moral right, too.
The Nuremberg trials really highlight the problem with trying to contain morality within “the law.” The truth of the matter is that the law is never going to be big enough to dictate our morality.
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Paul said:
Indeed. The laws were made for mankind, mankind was not made for the laws.
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Paul said:
As an aside IB, I just did a guest post over at Mark Bialczak’s. I would be honored if you had the time to drop by for a read. https://markbialczak.com/2016/05/22/no-violins/comment-page-1/#comment-79841 Thank You.
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janjoy52 said:
Interesting observation that God has called each of us to do what goes against our grain and what might be easier for the other. That’s really His way, isn’t it? He calls us into deep waters to challenge our faith. He brings the enemy to our gates so we can learn to fight. He brings the weak and unlovely of the world that we might learn compassion and shepherding skills. All to prep and shape us for great and responsible roles in His Kingdom. God has planted greatness and brilliance within us. His genetic code. He has equipped us WITH EVERY SPIRITUAL GIFT IN THE HEAVENLIES. it’s these little gigantic challenges to love that call forth the need to tap these endless wells. And HUMILITY is the only key that can open the vault.
Great post! Reblogging!
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thank you for the reblog and for your kind words.
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