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Empathy is such a powerful component of successful relationships, especially marriages. There’s a real trick to empathy too, it is not simply do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but rather walk in their shoes and figure out what they need, not what “you” want them to need. That throws a lot of people, it’s a subtle difference, but a powerful one.
A bit comical, too. Taken literally, do unto others in marriage would mean to run the man a bath, get him a romance novel, and paint his toenails. I suppose on the flip side, it would be a bit like a man buying his wife a tool he’s always wanted and then wondering why she’s not as appreciative as he would be with such a gift.
So to empathize really requires one to recognize and appreciate difference. Male and female He made them. We are different. That’s a good thing and often the more we celebrate and rejoice in that fact the happier we will be. To be married to your own self seems to me to be a pretty good definition of hell or perhaps some comedic justice.
I actually struggled with this early in marriage, I proceeded to treat my husband like I would a girlfriend, how I would like to be treated. That didn’t go over so well, he apparently doesn’t like my pouring endless words all over him and talking excessively about feelings and relationships. His eyes tend to glaze over and I think he’s dying inside.
Conversely hubby sometimes still forgets I ‘m a girl. I have to remind him, I do play the girl card whenever necessary, mostly around the idea that I am fragile and I bruise more easily, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually.
He’s a good guy but he will still pile lists of things on me with no awareness of the emotional work and investment that I am going to need to put into them. Where he sees only a simple list of tasks to be completed and fixed, I see huge amount of emotional and psychological work to be done. To give you some idea of what this is like, one of the things on his list one day was “fix the planning department.” He was trying to get a building permit and they weren’t cooperating. In his mind, I just take ten minutes, go down there and straighten them all out, the building department, the planning department, city hall…..piece of cake. Just fix it.
After two weeks, I still did not succeed in “just fixing it.”
Hubby has really had to learn how to empathize with me, something he always gets around to eventually these days, but I don’t think we would have ever gotten there if I had followed some popular modern advice about how strong and independent women are (meaning not fragile) how much we don’t need men (as if we can just do it all) and having no recognition of differences or worse, expecting one another to be alike.
It’s somewhat amusing, I remember informing hubby that I was girl, that I am emotionally fragile, that I have certain weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and he laughed outright as if that was quite funny. In his mind he really just saw me as a smaller version of himself.
To make matters worse, I explained that I needed him to try to empathize and he had no idea what that word even meant. What a Divine comedy relationships between men and women can be! He did catch on however, and I think I created a monster because he soon had a list of all the ways I did not empathize with him.
Empathy is the ability to share and understand the feelings of another. It is actually “the capacity to understand or feel what another being is experiencing from within the other being’s frame of reference.”
See, there's this thing called biology... 
Thanks for e.g.-ing empathy!
Somewhere I heard that better than the golden rule is the platinum rule: to treat others the way they want to be treated. I’ve also learned to let the other person decide what is really important enough to them to want change/difference. And to let them decide what that difference should be and how to go about it. My part is empowering friend, that way they get to be and experience…
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The platinum rule, I like that! Empowering people is really what it’s all about. When we try to fix things or treat people as we ourselves would want to be treated, we tend to rob people of their power. We forget that they are often the most qualified to solve their own problems, to know what they truly need.
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Indeed a fine treatise IB. Here is an interesting point. This empathy of which you speak concerning emotions, it is a close relation to the empathy required between a good boss and a good employee – both ways. There is nothing more effective and efficient as an employee who can see the business through the bosses eyes and feelings and thoughts and act accordingly. Likewise,a boss who can view the business through the employee’s eyes can see the road blocks the employee faces and work to remove them – be they personal or business.I told the story here before of an employee that I had who hated people and could never get along with customers. Because of that he worked extremely well on his own – he enjoyed his own company. I had to fire him but I recommended him for a job where he worked only at night and saw no one. He came back and thanked me three months later and told me that he had no idea how happy he could be and how miserable his other jobs had made him. Empathy. Try it on your bus driver – what would make you the perfect passenger? Or try it on other drivers in traffic – how can you best be a part of their world? (As your hubbie pointed out this is like a well choreographed dance routine – and they usually realize what you are doing and will join in.) This leads to a very safe trip – empathy. Or try it on the next cop who stops you for breaking a rule – see it from her perspective and act accordingly. After all everyone who saw you break the rule will hold the cop responsible and it puts pressure on her.
Or try it on your Faith – what would God want me to do in this situation? can I determine that? And if not, then can I determine what I feel is right? Am I being honest with myself? After all self-awareness is really self-empathy.
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Well said, Paul. I think the very best leaders, managers, etc, are all about lifting people up and drawing on their natural strengths and abilities.
You make a really good point about faith. Self awareness is absolutely critical. Know yourself and you’ll know God, too. That enables us to discern between our own voice and His voice. “My sheep know my voice.” I have been in a position where I wanted to pour mercy and sympathy all over someone and God has actually said “no”. Conversely there have been a few people I wanted to evict from the planet and God has clearly said, “no, be patient.” Ha! I know it’s Him because these things have clearly been against my wishes, my will, my ability to reason the situation out, and contrary to how I wanted to respond.
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Nicely done, although this is one of the harder lessons to learn in life.
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IB, I’ve been thinking of and praying about possibly starting a small publishing house someday. I know timing-wise it cannot be in the next six months due to life circumstances. But life circumstances lead to it being quite difficult to figure out when it may be beyond that timing. I love your voice and your insights. I do believe the world needs ongoing access to your writing. I hope and pray that when and if the timing comes and is the Lord’s timing that you and I can make real contact.
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Awesome! I would love to hear from you and also to hear how things are going as your journey unfolds.
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