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boundaries, humor, love, men and women, relationships, romance, tango
Boundaries in relationships between men and women are so critical. You have to be consciously aware of where you end and another person starts. You must be able to quickly identify, is this me or is it him/her?
Argentine tango is a bit spontaneous, usually men lead and women follow. When you are following you often have no idea where you are going or what is coming next. You have to shut off your brain, feel your partner, and divine his intent. The best leaders are gentle, subtle, and to dance with them you have to be very sensitive to their clues. I’m absolutely horrible at it.
To solve my relationship issues, I simply married a freight train. The man is nothing but edges. Sweet and kind, but all edges. Apparently I just don’t do subtle. Until recently I had no idea that some men have a hard time setting boundaries with women, holding their own edges. That is just not my world.
Observing young love, I’ve encountered this kid I’ll call soggy pasta. I don’t mean that unkindly, but when he is around this girl he turns into complete mush, overcooked pasta jiggling on a plate. The more appeasing and gentle he is to this girl, the more irritated and distressed she becomes. She has no idea what is frustrating her, but she’s trying to feel for his edges and he isn’t showing her any. She keeps trying to push his buttons to see if he has any boundaries. He clearly doesn’t.
In a moment of frustration I sat him down and said, “listen punk, you’re trying to
date a mac truck and you are behaving like a plate of over cooked starch. You’re
starting to irritate me, so imagine what you’re doing to her.”
“But I want her to like me,” he moaned. Sheesh, teen age angst, you just want
to slap it around sometimes.
I explained to him that that the object of his affection is a girl. You wouldn’t
think this was difficult for him to discern, since the fact that she is girl is kind of the
whole point, but he honestly didn’t get it. If you don’t hold your frame up, she can’t
dance with you. Rather than liking you, she’s going to start to despise you. Most girls
are going to need to feel your edges, boundaries, walls, limitations. Standing up for
yourself doesn’t make girls hate you, it makes them like you. It’s healthy for everyone.
Soggy pasta is neither healthy nor attractive.
Everything you need to know about relationships between men and women is hidden 
in the Argentine tango. Some of the history around it’s development is amusing, men, Argentine cowboys mostly, would come into town once a month to spend their money. Since they weren’t particularly wealthy or powerful, they needed a way to get women’s attention and to compete for girls. Their tango skills and ability to lead women became the medium they used. They would practice all month and than show off their skills. It wasn’t just about displaying their plumage however, it was also about not being taken for a month’s wages. Those who danced well, didn’t have to pay. What can I say, it is what it is.
If you ever want to really twerk some feminist noses, try suggesting that what women
really desire from men is to feel their edges, boundaries, limitations. Immediately the
claws come out and the sputtering begins. They conjure up images of oppression, abuse,
social control, and declare that women are strong, independent, empowered, and have choices.
The thing is, if you are truly independent, empowered, and strong, that is precisely what you will also seek in a partner.
Proverbs 25:28 says, “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.” Words of wisdom there.
++This is repost from 2014
See, there's this thing called biology... 
This is just awesome!!
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Thank you, much appreciated.
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“…if you are truly independent, empowered, and strong, that is precisely what you
will also seek in a partner.” Sorry, dear, this time I disagree. Have at least 100 examples that it is not so.
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You can disagree with me whenever you want, JF 🙂
However, I think it’s true. I think we tend to look at the outside of people and miss what’s right beneath the surface. I think sometimes we’re even capable of deceiving our own selves. I’ve lost track of all the women that claimed to want sensitive men who shared their feelings….and then divorced them a few years later. Men who claimed to want strong women.. and later realized it’s not so fun living with a bulldozer.
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You know, I am a fan of your blog and I am sure that today feminism in America is a reactionary movement. However, people are unique, and spouses who happily live 50+ years together might be very different.
I want also to stress that a woman/man can drastically change under influence of many factors.
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It’s an interesting topic, because there is definitely a Mac truck’s worth of truth in what you are describing here, yet at the same time, I can’t help but feel like it’s one of those things with all-too-elusive fine line to be sought after. It’s true that soggy pasta masculinity is less than what women innately desire, but at the same time, I’ve also seen plenty of marriages disintegrate, and wives seek sources of intimacy elsewhere, because for years they were getting all “edges” and no emotional availability…
This makes me think of a really excellent podcast I just listened to recently, consisting of a long conversation between two Christian women on a wide variety of topics, one of which was the whole “Shades of Grey phenomenon”, which to me seems in a way very much relates to what you’re talking about here, only they were basically getting into dissecting how now after having generations of “mushy pasta” men, (boys raised without fathers, in a society where definitions of manhood are more confused than ever), and how the void left in the hearts/minds of women and girls who are longing for those elusive “edges” has cultivated a prime environment for the introduction of something like “Shades of Grey”, which is really nothing other than culturally-accepted bondage porn, riding on the heals of vampire romance novels… (again, an example of culturally-provided examples of male “edges” found in dark mysterious vampire types…) anyways, here’s the link in case anyone’s interested: http://extraordinaryintelligence.com/the-podcast-with-diana-and-natalina-episode-one/
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No, not vampires! There’s an epidemic here. It’s so bad, I’m tempted to carry around garlic 🙂
Those are really good points, however. It’s as if the more independent women become, the more this subconscious, vampire themed, 50 shades mentality, starts creeping in. The direction things are moving in kind of disturbs me.
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Great points made! I’ll definitely refer this post to some of the younger adults and teens I mentor.
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Thank you.
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It’s the Horse Theory. Young girls love horses… They are Big and Dangerous, yet attractive. The Attraction seems to be the training and domestication of something much larger and possibly life threatening. It is often the same attraction exhibited in their choices of men. The rub however is once the Men are trained, and domesticated, the women lose interest. To your point.
I’d have to consider myself Gnocchi… soft on the outside, firm on the inside and rarely anybody’s favorite.
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Well said IB.
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Reblogged this on 101wordsofencouragement.
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I like this part ‘if you don’t hold your frame up, she can’t
dance with you. Rather than liking you, she’s going to start to despise you’
Well written, loved it.
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LOL LOVE THIS
I personally can’t be with a ‘soggy pasta’ guy either.
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Great word picture! We live in an age where freight trains & Mac trucks are few and far between. Instead, we’re plagued with Pajama-Boy Prius and Smart Car types (the latter in pink with Hello, Kitty images on the doors). Women want a growl under the hood … not a purr.
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I simply married a freight train….I had no idea that some men have a hard time setting boundaries with women, holding their own edges. That is just not my world.
Ditto. I remember being surprised by the fact that most men weren’t freight trains.
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Ha! Yes, I suppose that doesn’t go well with their often rough exterior, so the idea that men can be fragile and vulnerable doesn’t always compute. Also, many women are actually freight trains ourselves, so we sometimes expect men to possess our own strengths rather than their own strengths, which I believe are a bit different.
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In some parts of the internet, this post would be considered Red Pill.
I was a little amused by the association of pasta and a “mac” truck. For what it’s worth, Mack is a truck manufacturer.
But I was even more amused by “twerk some feminist noses”! Tweak makes sense to me, but I have no idea what it means to twerk a nose.
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Well, I’m glad I could make you smile at least. 😉
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Hi, I am Mac, as in Mac n cheese, I’m mushy, and smooth, to slimy, I’m cheap, easy to make, of limited nutritional value, and often am found with the homeless. Then I learned to ballroom dance, I had to develop a firm frame, I had to learn to lead, and give direction, I had to figure out where I was going before I got there, I even had to think of someone else, I am now supposed to always apologize for any glitch, it is always my fault, I am the leader, I must have lead poorly, uncertain leading is called a train wreck! Now I am not just fooling around wiggling to the music, no, now I have to listen to the beat and make my partner look like she is the best dancer on the floor, all just through a gentle touch , a raising of the hand, a pause, that firm right arm that she can lean into and feel my direction, after a while it has even become fun and they (women) actually want to dance with me! My weakness, ah, but my willingness to admit it and work on it, has now become a strength, especially as I can easily recognize others like myself that lack these skills, and if they are willing, help them to leave the slippery slim behind and find a new solid foundation that is worth standing on, and music worth dancing to! Yep, Mac n cheese is becoming big Mack the truck!
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Hmmm, I rather like it. Carry on… 🙂
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I wish someone had told me these things when I was in high school. Your listener is very blessed to be mentored by you, and if he forgets to thank you for your wisdom, I thank you on his behalf. Some of the things you said I have learned over time, but I’ve never heard it said quite the way you put it here. J.
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