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Wonderland, also known as the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party, the internet, a peek into the human psyche that once seen can never really be unseen. Trust me, one should wear hip waders and goggles, because it can get quite dark and scary up there. I am still looking for that ever elusive brain bleach in which to scrub some people’s words off my eyeballs.

alices adventuresI jest here, because I have actually found the brain bleach, and will now spare you all an off key but roaring rendition of There’s Something in the Water….

My first stop on the crazy train this week was to a couple of feminist sites, because what better place to go when one is seeking the theater of the absurd? The themes this week seem to be destigmatizing sex work, legalizing prostitution, wearing sun screen so one does not prematurely age, and fat acceptance.

alice2My upper class, privileged, elitist sisters, have once again reminded me why I do not wish to live in a matriarchy. It is a rather chaotic world filled with sexual confusion, vicious competitiveness, power plays, and relentless denial about the nature of human beings. Call me crazy, but I do get my bloomers in twist when the academics look down on us little people and suggest we have a right to be stamped USDA choice chuck roast like a proper commodity, to empowerfulize ourselves with prostitution, to kill our potential offspring, and to embrace being fat. Just please don’t age, wrinkles make you old, ugly, and useless, and they remind us of our own inevitable end…

Let me clarify the fat issue because that is sure to push someone’s buttons. Most of us are out of shape in one way or another or could be doing something more to improve our health and we should not be shaming anyone for these quite human challenges. However, being completely out of shape is hard on our health, it causes diabetes, heart disease, a lack of energy, multiple health issues. It also makes one less attractive to the opposite sex and therefore less likely to feel good about ourselves. Am I still allowed to say that? Well it’s true you know, both men and women take some pleasure in being attractive to the opposite sex. One shouldn’t become obsessed about it or fall headfirst into the entire pond while out kissing frogs, but neither should one go into complete denial as if to say, pashaw, I demand the entire world find me attractive in all my slovenly glory! Also, don’t even look at me, I hate myself. Come on people, that’s not even an emotionally healthy paradox.

I should take the time here to mention that some of my elitist, privileged sisters were not even born women, a delicate matter indeed, a wound I have no desire to pour salt on, but for crying out loud, why are people who have only recently discovered they are “women,” lecturing the rest of us on what it means to be a woman? A few times I have had the thought, how odd, I seem to be talking to a man, a man with a man-brain, a man-brain that seems to perceive the world as a man would. It usually turns out I was right.

For those who may be offended by my words, may I remind you that your own bigotry of low expectations has just relegated all of womanhood to life as an old, ugly, fat, prostitute who fears ageing? Perhaps I’m just being uppity, but I do think women have quite a bit more to contribute to the equation.

For some contrast to this particular form of the pathetic and stupid, I popped over to see what the Far Right was up to, proving my own lack of discernment and inherent stupidity. Sigh. So, in a discussion about abortion, divorce, and other assorted forms of cultural death and annihilation, I discovered that women can actually self fornicate. I know, I know, this sounds crazy, but apparently men play no role what so ever in the sexual equation, at least not from a moral, social, spiritual, or emotional perspective. Men have no moral agency of their own, being a bit like spiritual wildebeests who just follow the herd chanting this woman you gave me, if anything should ever go wrong.

So men bear no responsibility what so ever for the existence of abortion, women simply engage in self fornication which than leads to murder which than proves women are actually inherently evil, which than justifies after the fact that men actually bear no responsibility for being their sister’s keeper. There is clearly no moral obligation to treat anyone so evil with anything  resembling respect.

Naturally these arguments are all based on sound reasoning, rational thought, and heavily interspersed with theology, because as we all know, all men are quite rational, intellectually agile, and of course, vastly superior in their moral understanding of the world. That is sarcasm by the way, born in the dark recesses of my little black feminist heart, that so wants to just rear up and whack some of these men upside the head.

Alas, I really do not have a dark little feminist heart, but I do understand some of what lurks there. I do not have this heart because when I am not tipping the light fantastic at the Mad Hatter’s Tea party, I am actually out in the real world, delighting in just being a girl, yes a girl not a woman, vain, shallow, and a bit immature, but much loved and well favored just the same. I dropped lunch off for my husband the other day and heard the crew tell him, “A pretty young girl, one of your daughters maybe? She left lunch for you.”

Ah ha ha! Such charming words, music to my soul. Is my husband not truly blessed? Do I too have the Lord’s blessing or what? And doesn’t having such favor just compel one to throw caution to the wind, leave the world of human reason behind, and just fall madly in love with the One who made it all possible?

Maybe it’s not for everyone, but for me I’ll take God’s ways over human ways any day of the week. The matriarchy is a scary place and the patriarchy isn’t much better, but where the two meet at the foot of the cross, life is sure good. That is where we walk in that perfect garden, in the cool of the evenings, singing His praises, a bit off key perhaps, but joyfully.