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blogging, culture, insanitybytes, love, marriage, men and women, opinion, romance
I was having a laugh on the internet today, depending on where I go and how people perceive me, I either become their subjective example of a raging feminist who hates men….. or a misogynist that blames women for everything. I can sometimes manage to meet both expectations on the same day.
So blame, let’s talk about blame. Personally I think blame and shame have no place in marriage, I think those are just weapons of destruction that cause too much harm and eventual distrust. However, there’s a secret behind blame, whoever picks up the blame, also picks up the power. When you take responsibility for something, it is now in your hands. When you blame someone else, you are handing off your own power.
So what do I “blame” women for? Romance, as in, women have the ability to unleash the power of the female brain, to cultivate and create romance in our own lives. Romance has a great deal to do with desire and attraction, which tends to create happy marriages and happy women.
It’s kind of sad, depressing really, but I learned about this from working with abused women. Women tend to stay with abusive men for a variety of reasons, but what always baffled me where the attraction cues, the “he’s so dreamy” aspect, and I was often left staring at this scrawny, sorry excuse for a man, who was violent and treats her horribly. But he loves me and he’s sorry and I just can’t help it, I’m attracted…
It took me a while to catch on, but what women often do is cultivate a fantasy around such men, one that can take on a sexual quality and become rather addictive. Always trying to find the silver lining in a cloud or to pull a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, I soon began to wonder how much control do women have over our own desires and cues? Could the power of the female brain be used for some purpose that actually benefits women, that could contribute to our joy rather than our bondage?
It turns out the answer is yes, that although women are often trapped in strongholds, acting sub-consciously, that desire and attraction are often falsely perceived as nothing more than pheromones and biology, it actually all begins in our thoughts and minds. We are surprisingly flexible, too. I don’t wish to disparage the fair sex or to imply that we’re shallow or something, but you can take a rather ordinary man and place him in a nice car with a pair of sunglasses, and suddenly women start seeing him in a whole new light. What changed? Simply our perceptions, our imagination, our thoughts.
Don’t worry, when it comes to biology men can be very shallow too. It’s okay, we’re all wonderfully and fearfully made.
Often I read some tragic tales from women so unhappy in marriage, or resigned, doomed to forever live with a man they are no longer attracted to, and men feeling rejected and disrespected, men who often need to communicate sexually and now feel shut out. I don’t wish to ” blame” anyone here, as in adding to their shame, but without fail, every single time, I can see a woman who does not cultivate romance, that is unaware of her own attraction signals. Often there is resentment, anger, unresolved issues, that have caused her to shutdown. She totally blames him and in the process hands all of her own power away.
I don’t think a lot of women understand this. I know I did not. I used to sort of be on autopilot, hubby would not do something I had asked him to do, I’d grow resentful, he’d complain, I’d feel like I was expected to be his mother, he’d start to feel like a little kid, total attraction killers. All men and women are a bit different, but for the most part, women in maternal mode are not in sexual mode, and men being treated like children do not feel like real men. I know a fair amount about romance…mostly because I was so good at killing it.
It’s a shame that we live in a culture that puts the responsibility for romance on men, because while there are some great poets and romanticists in the world, for the most part, men are not the best mind readers, nor are they the ones who understand women’s brains the best. Seriously, here we are thousands of years later and men still do not really understand us.We do not always understand ourselves.
To do farther damage, within the culture there are often unrealistic expectations around defining what is romantic, which often exploits women’s need for perfection, sets men up for failure, and actually creates the precise opposite of attraction. I mean, I love my husband dearly but if he ever showed up in a tux bearing roses and diamonds for a moonlight dinner, I just might flee in terror. That is so not him, that would ring false to me, that would mess with my head. That would totally blow the fantasy and kill the romance.
So how do we go about cultivating romance? Piece of cake! No, I jest here, it’s actually very challenging. It requires one to capture their thoughts, to take control of what is often going on sub-consciously, and to speak things into existence. One must pay close attention to what is being said or thought about one’s husband, so I hate the man, he forgot to take out the garbage again, doesn’t cut it. We also have to let go of expectations, relinquish maternal need for control, and speak positive words over him.
There are multiple other things that I will leave up to people’s imaginations, but at the heart of the matter is that women actually control our own attraction cues, the desire we will feel towards our husbands, the amount of romance we experience in our lives, and how much happiness we will create for ourselves, and by extension, for our husbands too.
You said:
—I know a fair amount about romance…mostly because I was so good at killing it.— Loved this, cuz we all can relate, male and female.
And your tux and roses, or was that guns and roses??? Good one ms bytes.Yep, there is this perception that we need not feed, if it doesn’t ‘fit’ us. Penguins are not expected to build birds nests, while a guy with a top hat and cane would probably be out of place at a farm auction. Romance is not one size fits all, and we know when it is out of character.
Much depth of passion can be found in the ordinary if we pay attention.
As a side trip, I have to laugh when I hear gripes about your take on things, spiritual or otherwise. So here’s a morning toast to the professional groaners: Bitter honesty and brutal truth are so rare on the menu; enjoy your juice and take note that God gives sunshine to one and all, and for the love of Murphy, swallow your pride and admit that He is God, and He is good.
Geez, God created romance 😉
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Wonderful post. Scripturally & scientifically accurate.
I had a huge smile reading through, especially here:
– When you blame someone else, you are handing off your own power.
-…often trapped in strongholds, acting sub-consciously,… biology, it actually all begins in our thoughts and minds. We are surprisingly flexible, too.
& my favorite, the solution: “It requires one to capture their thoughts, to take control of what is often going on sub-consciously, and to speak things into existence.”
Napoleon Hill wrote in his book from the 1920’s says: “truly, thoughts are things.”
Of course scripture told us this long before, and more so the knowledgeable ones in neuroscience have come to the conclusion that we control our brain and & by extension our reactions through our verythinking and our choosing.
“We are surprisingly flexible, too”. Well said and we should never underestimate this powerful truth. This is the very essence of being able to renew one’s mind. The research backs this by showing that our DNA actually changes its shape in response to our thoughts. [anger, fear, frustration etc. causes DNA to tighten up and shorten, switching off many DNA codes which reduce quality expression.
The awesome thing, this can be reversed by feelings of love, joy, appreciation & gratitude].
Truly, thoughts are things, for as a man thinks, in his heart, so he is.
You so get it! & Thank you for expressing it so well and practically. We must capture our thoughts and speak our desired reality into existence. [No point/ it’s futile speaking negatively if that’s what we’re seeing].
Blessings friend!
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Wonderful insight described accurately and inspiringly.
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When you can see the love behind a man’s actions, even the smallest of gestures, like washing a couple of pans so you can finish the dishes sooner, or giving you an extra 30min in bed, can seem like the biggest romantic gestures. However poorly expressed it is, I think the girls who start from the perspective that “pizza and a night in followed by a lie in until 12 is true romance” might have a point!
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Such a good one IB…. this is exactly how it is. 🙂
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Enjoyed the read…thanks, IB
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Maybe?
I just don’t dig the idea men can’t turn their own wife’s on? That’s how you get a wife!
Are men really that awful at creating a mood?
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LOL! No, not all of them, but in general there are some real conflicts, judging from all the unhappy marriages and high divorce rates.
I think one problem is that women tend to expect men to create that mood, to control how women feel, when ultimately, we are the only ones who can really do that.
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What bugs me is that, worst case scenario, women are expected to, in the home, do both all the emotional labour, clean everything, raise well adjusted children, pick up after their husband (because he refuses to put his things where they belong), and TURN ThEMSELVES ON!
What the actual **** , I don’t accept that from my friends, never mind a man, a grown up 25+ old man who I married and set up a life together.
I’m sorry insanity bites, but it doesn’t fly, if a man can’t turn you on, he isn’t a real man, and is a soon to be MRA/Red Pillers/RadTrad.
Its not that hard to turn women on, really!
And usually these days a woman will have a job and do, All of the above!
Are men really that pathetic? Can’t help out in the house, Nor turn their wife on?
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I don’t mind the turn yourself on thing, as long as its with the caveat that the men actually helps out around the house, and also puts effort in, and is not phoning in his relationship with his wife!
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