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I suppose I should be lamenting the complete collapse of Western Civilization or perhaps chasing some political rabbit down a hole, but at the moment I am trying to solve the mystery of the druthers, as in what they are and why so many people insist on losing them?

It goes something like this, “if I had my druthers I wouldn’t eat liverwurst.” So apparently some people do not have their druthers, a bit like some people do not have all their marbles, indicating they have been lostย  or misplaced somewhere. Now, people can lose many things, keys, money, maybe even weight. I have heard rumors that some people can actually lose weight! I’m not sure I believe it, but I’ve heard the rumors.

But can one actually lose their druthers? From observation we have learned that people can lose all common sense, lose their ability to think critically, but can one actually misplace their personal preferences? Or is this some kind of masochistic thing, perhaps something entwined with Catholic guilt, this patheticism that dares not speak it’s own name?

I will not even admit to having any personal preferences, so we’ll just call them “druthers” and I’ll be sure to take note of the fact that I haven’t got any, that my druthers are simply a big “If,” as if to say, I have resigned and reconciled myself to the obvious fact that my opinion and preferences here shall carry no weight. If I had my druthers, but alas, I do not, so go ahead and tell me, what are my personal preferences going to be?

Liverwurst apparently, and head cheese and foie de gras and sardines in a can with tomato sauce.ย  Poof! Having now surrendered your druthers, you will suddenly find these things to be quite delicious. But that isn’t true at all! Most people who surrender their druthers are really quite resentful about it and will murmur and complain endlessly, as if it is all your fault they have lost their druthers in the first place, something they apparently cannot keep track of even with two hands and a flashlight.

I empathize, but only a tiny bit. There is a slipper missing, just one, and since slippers do not have legs and cannot wander off, it must have been misplaced. If I had my druthers, I would locate the thing on behalf of another who has lost it. After two hours of searching however, it became obvious to me that my druthers were not going to rule the day. That is okay, at least I actually know where my “druthers” are.