Reading through some comments over at Must Be This Tall to Ride, I’m really struck by what a powerful trigger emotional abandonment is for many women. To not listen, to not hear, to not respect your wife’s feelings, is such a huge betrayal. The process seems to go, “he’s not here for me, so why is he here at all?”
Judging from some of the criticism coming Matt’s way, there seems to be people in the world that still don’t get this. It’s huge! Women tend to carry too much emotional weight and to just dismiss her as irrational, crazy, not worth listening to, is either going to cause her to suffer complete emotional collapse….. or her need for self preservation will kick in and she’ll offload you. It’s that simple and it’s that harsh.
Studies suggest that contempt is the leading cause of divorce. Contempt is the opposite of respect. To not perceive your wife as an actual person worthy of being heard, is dismissive, demeaning, and contemptuous. I cannot even imagine…
I can however, imagine what emotional abandonment feels like. That is a pretty common and familiar trigger. I do know some tricks for managing expectations, for compensating and coping. Men, as awesome as some of them are, simply cannot meet all of our emotional needs. We have to be aware of what a powerful desire that is, how important it is to not feel as if we were shouldering all of the weight, all of the responsibility, all alone. We have to practice self care, not over burden ourselves, and find other ways to get some of our needs met.
If you feel as if you are all alone, you might as well be all alone. It’s that simple. Relationship, connection, intimacy is vitally important to many women. When I sense distance, tension in my hubby, the first thing I do is ask, are we okay? That is instinctual, powerful, innate. Is our connection, relationship, being threatened here?
Life being what it is, it is seldom about me, however. There are numerous things going on that have nothing to do with our relationship, our connection, but the feelings of being disconnected in times of stress are powerful. There is a bond there that women need to feel. To much not feeling it, and there simply is no relationship.
I have a rather happy and contented marriage, but hubby is really a traditional guy, as in he’ll enthusiastically show up for a proper brawl in the front yard, but if things get too touchy-feely, emotional, spiritual, he’s slipping out the back door. He bails on me, so I understand what it is like to be left holding the bag, alone, abandoned. It takes a lot of forgiveness on my part and recognition and acceptance that we are simply different.
Sometimes I think of oak trees and willow trees. I am a willow, I bend in the wind and therefore do not break. Hubby is an oak tree, he does not bend, he stands there resolute in the midst of a storm. The problem being, when the storm gets too big, he’s out of there to avoid losing any branches.
It’s a trade off, there’s some real value in being married to an oak tree, but I do have to manage my emotions, so I don’t become resentful, contemptuous, angry when this happens. Those feelings of being emotionally abandoned are powerful. Simply acknowledging and recognizing what is going on is a huge part of the battle. I also lean into the Lord, I embrace the idea that in Him I am never truly alone, and I try to meet some of those emotional needs in other ways.
That is kind of how you make marriage work, with a lot of forgiveness, accommodating each others needs, and practicing self care. Although there is a sacrificial nature to love and being self absorbed is not a good thing, taking care of yourself is absolutely vital.
I sometimes insist on saying that greatest commandment is really in three parts, Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.
as thyself….. If you do not love yourself, care for yourself, nurture yourself, you cannot love anyone else.
See, there's this thing called biology... 
I like oak trees, alot.
I like willows, alot.
Different purposes. Can’t even talk about a tree without giving heed to the poetry and inspiration by He who made all things.
‘Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree,’ so said Kilmer.
If I can add without taking a detour, your final idea about loving thy neighbor………….as thyself…………. great ideal, but kinda makes me a lawbreaker. That’s the point.
But boy does God raise the bar, and rightly so, as He would do nothing less. Good stuff ms bytes.
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Ah yes, God is good indeed. He gives us all of nature to observe and learn His ways, and prayer so we can really get to know Him. Willows don’t make very good furniture, but that’s not what willows were made for. š
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Wish I can say such things using only a few words ms bytes š
–Not what they are made for–Awesome. Goes to the heart of the difference too between man and woman.
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“but I do have to manage my emotions, so I donāt become resentful, contemptuous, angry when this happens.” You’ve learned one of the most important caveats of interpersonal relations. People behave the way they do because they believe it is the “right” way for them to behave and are comfortable in “that skin.” Forcing them from this comfort zone creates tension and strife. The gift of learning to manage those relationships where the behavior traits are quite different from ours is to do it in a manner you don’t alter your preferred style to a degree you become uncomfortable.
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That’s a really good point. We tend to spend far too much time trying to change people, at least in marriages. Dogs can sure teach us something there, they don’t care, they’ll just accept us and adapt. I think they’re grateful for everything too, excited when you feed them, excited when you come home. I can’t match that kind of enthusiasm, but it’s a good way of being in the world.
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Reblogged this on Talmidimblogging.
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Thanks for the reblog. š
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You’re welcome!
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The Dance of Anger looks at this from the perspective of secular psychology.
I was also profoundly influenced by a Wilson Quarterly article that noted the correlation between the rise of suburbia and depression. While multi-family dwellings have their dysfunctions, they did create a sense of social connection. Moving women into single family dwellings created an emotional dependency on men that we were just unprepared to satisfy.
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Well said, Brian. When the economy shifted and people started moving away, we lost that extended family and sense of community. People can become very isolated, mothers with kids, the elderly. Then when women left the home to work, nobody was doing the emotional work and community building anymore. It’s somewhat tragic, but a bit amusing too, when things in society shift or break down, women tend to look towards men to fix it. That’s not particularly fair, but it is a dynamic you see often. Just fix it. Our emotional condition, the economy, politics, all of it…. š
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Hi, i had ever commented in your blog before. Yes, contempt is also one reason that leads to divorce. That’s what my wife does in our marriage. She always tears me down and even couldn’t express in good way. So, last week i went to a family event with her and she even insulted me in front of other people, it reduce my love for her drop to zero. Then, 3 days ago, i choose to be separated from her and live in my brother’s house.
My brother advise me to end the relationship with her but i told hin that i’m stucked with her is because i love my kids so much.
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I’m sorry Michael, that sounds very painful and frustrating. I’m glad you’re taking a break at your brother’s house. No one deserves to be torn down, held in contempt, and disrespected by someone who is supposed to love you.
I have to lean into Jesus Christ in times of trouble, to read the bible, and to pray. That is the only way I know to get clarity and guidance and to figure out how to do what’s best. You have kids and you’re doing a good thing caring about them so much and sticking it out. Must be This Tall to Ride is a pretty good blog to read if you want to understand some of those emotional issues and to realize you’re not alone.
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Thank you for your kind word. Much appreciated
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I tend to see it as the other way around—it’s men who’s emotional needs are treated with contempt most often. Men today are simply expendable. We do all the giving and get nothing in return (presuming that anything we could give is wanted in the first place).
In relationships, I mostly see women leaning on other women. They have the attitude that men should be kept behind a glass only to be opened in cases of emergency and then discarded. I don’t see women caring especially whether men can support them emotionally or not, and of course the man’s feelings about anything is irrelevant to most of them.
In fairness, though, that’s the way the culture treats men in general. Men threat other men with just as much contempt; usually in inverse proportion to the other man’s value. The men who actually produce value and lead are expendable and unwanted; while men who earn and produce nothing reap all the benefits.
“Those feelings of emotional abandonment are powerful.”
This is especially true with men because men have a need to sacrifice to a purpose; but when there’s no purpose, sacrifices become pointless. That’s why we see so many men today falling into atrophy, drugs, and suicide. Among the rest of us, the ‘What-are-we-fighting-for’ attitude is prevalent. I feel it myself constantly, and most other men I know feel it too
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Good points, Eric. There’s a spirit of despair across many men in this country, I see it and I feel it, too. There is also a spirit of injustice, “I work hard, I do everything right and yet someone else reaps the rewards.”
A big part of men’s identity, of their sense of self worthy, comes from their ability to protect and provide for women and families. Provision is also emotional provision, so when women turn away from men, they lose their sense of value, of purpose. Men can survive and thrive without women of course, but in the big, over all picture there is an important symbiosis going on between the genders that really impacts our well being and the well being of our culture. We are currently reaping the rewards of having tampered with that design.
Ultimately the only solution I can see is for men to heal themselves, to turn to Christ, to realize the future really is in their hands. Men have to right the sinking ship, so to speak. There are many things women can do to support that, but we can’t make it happen ourselves.
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That’s true: the need of providing is what I meant by ‘sacrificing to a purpose’. A lot of men too desire recognition and reward as means of expanding their scope of provision. Think of how many men in the past rose from obscurity to fame and wealth, then used their position to build things for the community or serve in government. Of course, even they’re forgotten today; or laughed at as Dead White Guys, or portrayed as exploiters and criminals.
I see so much manpower that is just wasted in this society. With some encouragement and examples to follow, a lot of idle men have the potential to excel.
“Men have to right the sinking ship.”
That’s a moral dilemma I’ve really been struggling with. Why right a sinking ship when you’ll just walk the plank for your efforts? The same people who want it to float don’t want you on board. I realized lately that even though this is an election year, I’ve spent more ‘community time’ dealing with Syria than the US. When I read the news here, I either see some Lesbian minister composing hymns to the Queer Jesus or some Churchian Gamer telling us that the morals of the brothel are the standards of Christian marriage. Over there, Christians are standing up to ISIS, both as martyrs and soldiers. Men get medals and welcomed as liberators for rescuing people from thugs; perverts and thugs here get national awards and million-dollar contracts. And they wonder why American men don’t want to do anything?
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Well said, Eric. As to walking the plank or how “no good deed goes unpunished,” oh boy have I struggled with that one! I’ve developed some real gallows humor about it, as in, “well Lord, this is sure to be fruitless, painful, and leave me a bug on someone’s windshield.” And God has so frequently said, “Do it anyway. I will not leave you or forsake you.” In my case we are talking about simple things, like simply standing up and speaking up in a relatively safe country, where the worst I face is some mockery and ridicule.
I hear you about the wasted potential, about the idleness of men, and the grief there. It is heart breaking that so many men do not know how loved they are, do not realize their own potential.
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IB:
But there’s the problem: generally speaking, men are NOT loved or appreciated. Most of this wasted potential and idleness exists for a tangible reason—that nobody especially cares about men or want anything that men can provide.
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Well, I can relate, Eric. Nobody especially cares about what I want or what I can provide either.
That is a harsh and brutal truth to face, but what we do simply must be motivated by a desire to be pleasing to God, it must revolve around seeking His approval, because if we wait for the people around us to do it or the culture, we’ll be waiting a very long time.
Men are loved and appreciated by God, having such worth and value, He laid down His life for them, for us. That is the kind of love and sense of value and self worth that one must pull towards themselves, immerse oneself in, because no woman can ever fill that need for significance and the culture, even if it were perfect, could not either.
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