Someone on the internet declared I was the “worst kind of Christian,” a late bloomer convert, a reformed sinner who had a sudden spiritual epiphany, not unlike a reformed smoker or a reformed alcoholic who drives everyone half nuts with their new found vehemence.
It gave me a chuckle because yes, yes…. and no. As I’ve written before, I really did find Jesus Christ when I was 3 years old picking at a scab on my leg by a compost pile. I just felt Him, I knew Him, I became aware that God was real. But of course, that was such a baby faith, how can one even describe such things?
Some people are very attached to dates, and they like to mark anniversaries, so I could follow suit and declare that when I was 13 I found the Lord, was baptized and joined a church. Except again, that was such a baby faith, a lovely and proper dose of milk and honey, but still just milk. How sweet that was….. and yet I knew nothing.
There is “faith” and than there is Faith. Every time I think I have a good grasp on it, now I am really in Christ, now I understand…. God levels up the game and I realize how totally clueless I was, how utterly unaware of what faith even is. A few years back there was a storm of such epic proportions, an attack really, that totally floored me. I had to draw on everything I knew and had learned up until that point and to really lean into the Lord.
Never mind the details of the storm, it is the rescue, the bail out, that bedazzled me. Woah, there are simply no words. Like the songs say, there were angels all around and I was kept in the shadow of His wings. Once again I found myself saying, Lord, I did not even know you….
That experience left me on fire for the Lord, simply consumed by His love for us. It also totally changed my perspective. I’ve developed a certain kind of humility, perhaps with just a dash of healthy fear, that compels me to want to say, so when were you born again? Just this morning. Always just this morning.
Every morning I don’t even get out of bed without saying, “Good morning Father. Good morning Jesus Christ. Good morning Holy Spirit. Thank you for another day of life. Thank you for salvation, redemption and mercy. Thank you for what you did for me on the cross.” Every morning I take note of that renewing of the mind, of being made a new creature, of having been born again and what it all means.
Anniversaries are important to some, they look back fondly and remember what happened on that day. I get that, that’s a good thing, but for me I’m compelled to remain in this state of humility, existing somewhere between, “I’ve known the Lord forever and yet “forever” I cannot even grasp. How does one speak of what is eternal, of what is and was, and is yet to come?
Some people like to joke, what’s wrong with that girl, was she born yesterday? No, no, in my case it’s even worse than that, I was actually born again just this morning.